-+i'm dying here-+

October 29, 2000 [10-29-00]

I was up until three o'clock in the morning last night, being paranoid about people driving by our house. I woke my mom up once or twice and told her I was hearing things outside. Every time I went to fall asleep, I heard noises like scratching or tapping coming from outside. At three this morning, I started to put my jeans on, ready to go have a check around the house. Mom woke up and told me to go to bed because she was going to stay up. I kept telling her to go back to bed, because I was going to stay up. But, before I even knew what I was doing, I was shedding my clothing and getting into bed. I was so tired I didn't know what the Hell to do. As soon as my head hit that soft, feathery pillow, it was all over. I slept in until nine this morning. The black truck and white van that have been watching our house went down the street numerous times. Sometimes I feel like I'm being held hostage in my own house. I wonder if the people who are watching us have any clue that we're watching them too, and anticipating their next move. Enough about my paranoia. I was called slutty today by some girl who doesn't even truly know me. I mean we've met and she knows my name, but she doesn't really know me. There's a distinct difference in between slutty and flirt. She is slutty, and I am flirty. So, you see, there is a distinct difference in between she and I. Just because the majority of my friends are older males doesn't mean a damn thing. I have trouble getting along with girls. It's not my fault that guys get along much better with me than girls do. It's not like I woke up one day and thought to myself, "What do I want to be when I grow up? I know, I know! Slutty!" It's just not like that. And I'm not slutty. I have a fiance who I love with all of my heart and soul. He's my one and only. I was made for him. I just wish he and I were a little closer. Nevermind about that now. I just need to get a little food in my stomach or something. I'm really tired...

"Are you ready for what's to come? Are you ready? Are you ready?" -Creed.

"You can't tell me what to do anymore... 'Cause I'm free, now I'm free." -Vast.

"With this ring I wed thee true. With this ring I wed thee now. And with this ring I play so dead... but no one's asking for the truth. So let me tell you, if you spin your love around... the secrets of your dreams... you may find you love is gone and is not quite what it seemed. To appear, to disappear beneath all your darkest fears." -The Smashing Pumpkins.