I started today off as I start every day off. I woke up ten minutes later, then rushed to bathroom, looking for my radio, which my mother ALWAYS moves. A shower just isn't the same unless I have a soundtrack. Of course, I feel that way about life. I shower, then dress in a black shirt and gray courdoroy pants. Underneath my shirt I wear a tank top because I'm too lazy to wear a bra. I put on my rainbow colored socks and my boots. I put on my rings and rainbow colored bracelets. I messily apply my make up. I run a brush trhough my rough, naturally curly hair. After I'm done with that, I turn off my radio and go into the computer room, where I log onto the world wide web to check my e-mail before school, and maybe catch a friend or two on ICQ. No one's online. No one worth mentioning, anyway. I surf the web a bit, only seeing negative articles about goth teens when I type in the key search word, "goth teenagers". I sigh, logging off and going to the kitchen to take my medications. I've been taking the same medication since I was 6 years old, when I was diagnosed with a mitral prolapsed valve. For those of you who don't know, that means that my my heart doesn't open and shut right, which makes the blood go in and out wrong. My heart wasn't getting enough blood. Sometimes I look back and think if I would have never been so tired and hurt all the time, maybe I could have died and not have to put up with this "constant pain" that my counselor is always talking about. It amazes me that someone who has known me for a week or so can determine that I'm constant pain. My parents have known me since the day I was born, and even they don't comprehend that much. The first day I was in Mrs. Winder's room at school, she told me she was worried about this constant pain I was in. Ha. I get my book bag and leave the house for school with my little brother and my mom. I walk into school how I always do. Bitter and cynical. The preps observe me from the benches outside, as they do every morning. I think of actually smiling sadly at them for once, seeing if they smile back, but I couldn't bring myself to force a fake smile at them. I go to breakfast, eating with my friends, and some of the kids from grade school and junior high, who are friends with the younger brothers and sisters of my friends. After I get done with my saucy, hot breakfast pizza, I walk with my friend Helen to the first class of the day, World History. My best friend Angela is already there. She asks me about last night... I don't have much to say. I drone through first hour, taking notes aimlessly. Finally, first hour is over at 9:15. In second hour, the whole front row (including me), is called to the board at the beginning of the hour... we have to work out algebra problems in front of the whole class. I suck at algebra. As soon as my humiliation is over with, I go back to my desk, attempting to concentrate on Mr. Lindsey and the rest of the class. Mr. Lindsey is still blah-blahing when the bell rings for reading period. I am very happy to pull out my library book and get lost in the story that I'm reading. I prefer books and music to everything else most of the time. In ten minutes, I'm off to my next class. Biology. I love Biology. It's a great class unless my teacher is making some sideways joke about Mexicans or gay people or women. Our teacher asked us what our favorite color was. When he got around to me, I said black. He said that he should have seen that coming. The class laughed. I guess I did too a little. I was happy when class got out, even though I do find genetics and hereditary diseases interesting. In Intermediate Family and Consumer Sciences (Advanced Home Ec.), we made peach jam. I had already washed my hands before I was able to tie my hair back, so the teacher volunteered to do it for me. Of course, she had to ask, "Is your hair naturally curly?" I just said "Yup." to all her questions. She tells me that my hair is beautiful. I just nod. I'm good at nodding. But not talking. I don't talk to people. My lab partner Julie (who I've known since kindergarten), asks me when I'm moving. I'm calmly reply October 13. She says she'll miss me. I choke out the words that I'll miss her too. I go about the whole hour watching my group make the jam even though I'm supposed to be the manager. I'm happy when I go home for lunch and pig out on bean and cheese burritos covered in green chilli with pork in it. I down two burritos in twenty minutes and go back to school in time for English class, where I go to the library and check out a new book that I begin reading immediately. I read for the rest of English, and would read right into choir if I could, but instead I sing. Singing always makes me feel better, especially when my heart is being stabbed by my sharpened emotions. I feel like sobbing. I get complimented on my rainbow socks by Toby. Toby's the choir instructor. He's everyone's friend because he's only 24, and he understands what it's like to be a kid. Everyone loves Toby. He's a riot. I sing my way through choir and go to child development where we spend the hour looking at pregnant ladies in a book and pictures of developing babies. I don't coo or smile like the rest of the girls. I think babies are repulsive sometimes. I tell Helen and Angela to shut up, that babies are ugly and gross. I do my worksheets like a good little girl. In activity period, Stacy and Crystal, the more popular pretty girls question me about my hair. "Did you get a new haircut? I like it. It's cute." "Is your hair naturally curly?" "Have you ever tried straightening it?" "Isn't there shampoos that'll take the curl out?" I answers all their questions while I just smile and act nice, like all girls are brought up to be. As soon as the questions die down, I go back to reading my book. My friends desert me in activity period, leaving me to fend for myself in front of the scary preps. I shudder. I read until I notice it's nearly 3:30. I get up and get ready to walk out of the door. The bell rings and I nearly sprint for that door. My mom is waiting for me with a fattening chocolate bar. I rip the wrapper off and begin to eat it vigorously, licking melted chocolate from my fingers and the wrapper. My mom takes her precious time getting home. When we get there, she makes me help her unload groceries. Yay. After that, I take off my shirt and boots, and lounge in front of the television, getting a Pepsi from the fridge. I grab the box of cheese crackers from the kitchen shelf and park my ass in front of the TV for the next hour and a half, until it's time for me to get on the computer. I come on and I write in you, journal. That was my first notion. Adam tries to comfort me... which he does a superb job of. My uncle just called to say that my grandfather is sick with pneumonia and in the hospital. Great. I hope you liked this preview... because this is my life every day. It comes to a theater near me every single day. It's my life... victims; aren't we all?
"If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone. You cannot save me, you can't even save yourself... I cannot save you. I can't even save myself. So just save yourself." -Stabbing Westward.
"Even though the moment passed me by, I still can't turn away. I saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose, I tossed them all away. Letters that you never meant to send, are lost and thrown away. And now we've grown up orphans, that never knew their names. We don't belong to no one, that's a shame. You could hide beside me, maybe for a while. And I won't tell no one your name... I want tell 'em your name. Scars are souvenirs you never lose, and the past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there, did you get to be a star? Don't it make you sad to know that life, is more than who we are? We grew up way too fast, and there's nothing to believe. Reruns have become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio..." -The Goo Goo Dolls.