Not much to say about today. My dad came home around midnight last night, when I was fast asleep. Of course, my night of sleep wasn't all that great. My little brother kept kicking me off of MY bed. And I got up with the alarm. Of course, it's one of those idiotic alarms that makes nature noises when you wake up. Who the Hell wants to wake up with seagalls? Truthfully, I'd rather wake up to the sound of Adam's voice and the feel of his arms around me. I'd give everything I own just to have Adam wake me up in the morning with a kiss. I love him with all of my heart and soul, but... I just don't know sometimes. Adam's wonderful to me. I don't really deserve him after all the shit I did to him while we were broken up. He should be engaged to someone 10 million times better than me. I'm sure that all of my loyal readers get pretty sick of hearing about Adam all the time, so I'm going to shut up. Do you actually know how I cope with not having anyone to talk to during school? I write Angela and Helen a letter almost every day. I give them all the news about Adam's latest daring triumphs or what I'm having for lunch. It's pretty sad, really. Speaking of food bi-products, I absolutely hate Adam's appetite, but I want it. He's never hungry. I'm hungry constantly and nothing I eat can ever satsify me. By the time I'm full, I've eaten enough calories to kill a small horse. I could just eat and eat and eat and eat forever. I'm not picky, either. I even like black-eyed peas. I'll eat anything except goulash. It's all good, baby. Just set something in front of me and watch the master at work. I feel so horrible when I look at the girls at school. They all wear size 0s and I wear a size 18 wide in the womens section. Some of them make me cry. I feel that way when I look through my Delia*s catalogues too and half of the clothes I want aren't in XXL. Adam says he'd be happy with me even if I weighed three hundred pounds, when little does he know that I'm only one hundred short pounds away from that. I don't know why Adam likes me so much. I'm such a hef. I know that all these women's lib magazines say that confidence is the most attractive thing you can look for in a person. If that's true, I'm the ugliest woman on Earth. Adam tells me that if I'm unhappy with my weight, I should exercise or something. I hate exercising and dieting. But I don't expect to wake up one morning 150 pounds lighter. Even if I just weighed 150, I'd feel a lot better about myself. I feel so ugly. I actually feel my heart breaking when I look in the mirror and I see my less than perfect body and face. I even hate bathing now. I hate looking at myself. I hate it when I sit down and I feel my stomach roll up. I think about throwing up after I eat a lot. I hate throwing up though. I think about just starving myself completely, but I can't do it, because I've tried before. I guess I'll just have to live with myself, skinny free. It's not like it matters anyway. I don't think any of the boys at school stare at me because I'm beautiful. It's probably because they've never seen anything so grotesque in their lives. I think I must be the most ignorant person on Earth, if I can bitch about my weight, then go eat a bowl of cereal, a few porkchops, and a couple of helpings of mashed potatos. Oh well, you know? You can't win 'em all.
"They say I'm plump, but I throw up all the time." -Hole.
"My teas gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all. The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can't see at all. Even if I could it would all be gray but your picture on my wall, it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad." -Dido.
"Some say we're born into the grave. I've felt so alone, gonna end up a big a old pile of them bones." -Alice In Chains.
"I was always told I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you?" -TLC.