What an interesting turn of events lately. Just as I was beginning to get excited about being alive, being in this planet, tragedy has struck again. My friend Joseph tried killing himself on the 28th or 29th. I know I shouldn't have, but I told my friend Kristene about my depression. It was a lot to lay on her, because she was Joseph's mutual friend too, and she was having sort of a tough time dealing with his attempt. But I told her, nevertheless. So, after talking to her for a little bit, I decided to stay here on this wretched world. Some people say that no person is born evil, that the world makes a person evil. I don't know if I believe that or not, but I'll tell you one thing. I was born cursed. Everything I touch turns to shit. All my relationships, all my friends' lives, everything I touch breaks. It just goes. Me and Adam's relationship sucks. And it's because of me, because I'm so depressed. I can't help that I'm feeling what I'm feeling. It's like people expect me just to shut off everything I feel just to better suit their worlds. I'm sorry that I can't always be what everyone else wants me to be, and feel what everyone else wants me to feel. It breaks my little heart in two fucking big pieces to see everyone so disappointed in me. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have some kind of energy about me. I attract all these people who I know will end up hating me in the end. I'd give anything to be in Heaven, or the place down below, because things can't get any worse. I am in my own personal Hell. I know I'm being selfish. I don't care. I just don't fucking care anymore. I just want to be dead. I don't care how other people will feel. I just want to feel my own soul rising from my body and floating into abyss, where it'll stay forever. I know, I sound fucked up and crazy. But I am fucked up and crazy, and that won't ever change. I just can't wait until I'm out of my house... Gone from all this. I'll miss my mom, and maybe even my brother a little, but we won't even start about my dad. Dickhead galore. My friends are all trying to talk me down off of this ledge I'm standing on... but I feel like some of them are only doing it because they'll feel guilty if I die. Like it's their fault. Shit, I'm disturbed. I know I am. I know, I really need to stop being so pitiful and pathetic. Oh, and Joseph is alive and well... it's my other friend Xero I have to worry about now. He got kicked out of his house and was going to commit suicide on the first, and I never heard a word from him since the last time I talked to him. I told you... everything I touch turns to shit.
"Some day you will ache like I ache... I fake it so real I am beyond fake." -Hole.
"I feel as though I had just been waking up from a long coma." -Lester Burns, American Beauty
"I'm cold... so cold." -Kittie.
"I fantasize about my death... approaching me quickly." -Silverchair.