I have to wonder a lot these days just what I mean to people. I know that some just see me as a useful tool in today's world, whether it's people who want me for my looks (how screwed are they, eh?) or people who just want me for my brains(screwed also). I'm sick and tired of just being people's little whore. Maybe this is what I was put on Earth to be. A little whore. Never thanked, never wanted in the first place... but since I've got something people can use, they might as well take me. I don't know what's worse... the people who tap into my talents the first time they meet me and never go away, or the people who speak to me once and never speak to me again. I've decided it's all bullshit. I've just become this big, unfeeling whore. Maybe unfeeling is too much of a dramatic word. The only feelings I'm capable of feeling now are anger, depression, and hate. Don't get me wrong, I still love my Adam. I hope he's still my Adam, anyway. He and I have been growing apart, and it's because of the way I feel, and the way I act to him. I complain of being treated like a lowly street whore, when I do treat him like a bitch sometimes. I don't mean to take it all out on him... I just need someone to cry on. No one ever bothers to ask me what's wrong, and when they do I usually tell them it's nothing. I can never seem to piece together all the missing things in my life. I'm not saying that I'm not sorry for taking everything out on Adam... because I am. That's probably at least what 85% of our stupid fights get started on. I don't know how to describe what I feel anymore. All I know is that the people who were once my friends have grown apart from me, and become mere acquaintances. I don't even have enemies anymore. I only have two friends in the entire world, and I'm not even sure to consider one of them my friend. I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere, hearing my own voice echo from wall to wall most of the time, and I am. I'm completely alone right now. I guess I must put on this wonderful act on the outside. I must smile and say polite things, even though I don't know I'm doing it. But when I get alone, away from the entire world, I don't know whether to wish I had friends or to wish all the people in the world except for me and Adam would die. No one ever bothers to ask me how I feel. And if they did, I wouldn't know what to tell them because I don't know how I feel. I don't know what's racing through my brain or my heart anymore, if I even have one. I just feel like this emotionless, walking zombie. Everything I do seems to have no purpose. I feel like I can't do anything right. I always have someone telling me how smart or pretty I am, but I'm not. I'm just another scum-sucking bottom feeder like the rest of the people on this Earth. The one thing I don't have, like the rest of them, is companionship. My only friend is Adam. When I moved, a part of me died inside. I think I saw myself for what I truly was for the first time in my entire life. I don't have friends. I just use people to feel better about myself. I listen to other people's problems and think to myself, "Man, I'm glad I'm not fucked up like that," when in truth, I am. I'm even more fucked up than all of them put together. Now the tables have turned. I feel so empty inside. I don't even think I have a spine, or blood running through my veins anymore. I've just become this walking corpse. And for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid of what I've become. I'm not afraid to become just like everyone else. Adam says he doesn't feel anything anymore... I want to be numb. I never want to be able to hurt or have heartache again. I want to be empty. But even while I'm writing this my eyes are filling with tears and my I can feel my heart hitting the floor and shattering while I swallow away this lump in my throat.
"I'm on my time with everyone. I have very bad posture. Sit and drink pennyroyal tea... distill the life that's inside of me. Sit and drink pennyroyal tea... I'm anemic royalty. Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld so I can sigh eternally. I'm so tired I can't sleep... I'm a liar and a thief. Sit and drink pennyroyal tea. I'm anemic royalty." -Nirvana.
"All of my life, drained of emotions. I've never cried... What am I now, a lack of devotion? I never tried to stay sane." -Drain STH.