You'll never believe how perky someone can get over the period of being out of school for a few days. It's been so weird since I moved. Whenever I get a call from one of my friend's in Kansas, you wonder where yesterday went so quickly. Sometimes I have to struggle to remember my friends, and all the things we did together. Other times, there are certain things that I will never forget that pop into my head. You'd be surprised at how fast your life passes you by without even knowing. One second it's life in the fast lane, and the next, everything that you lived for once is gone in the blink of an eye. It doesn't feel right anymore to consider everyone back home my friend. I guess I've always thought of friends as being someone who could walk to your house anytime during a crisis to cheer you up, as being right there to touch. It's just not so, though. I miss Angela and Helen a lot. I have to make the most of this Christmas at home, because it will be the last time I see them until June or July of 2001. I can't wait to get there and have a blast the way I used to during Christmas. But yesteryears Christmas's seem like so far away. It's sick and sad the way that I think my whole life has passed me by, even though I'm only 15 years old. When I was in Kansas, all that mattered to me was not giving a damn what people thought and having fun in my life. My friends and I used to talk all day non-stop during school about things that we thought were very important and most likely immature to everyone else around us. When I was in Kansas, I had people to back me up on almost everything I said, because I was the leader of the uncool pack, and because I was almost usually right, or because people didn't want me pissed off at them. School was a breeze in Kansas. I never did any of my work in school, and usually forgot it until it was due, but that never stopped me from getting all A's, with the exception of Math and Science, which I both had D's in. I was finally coming out of my shell, and realizing that I belonged in Stockton when I left Kansas, but now it's all just a dream. I was finally comfortable in the corrupt place that I had called home for almost 16 years. I actually enjoyed seeing the school counselor and talking to her about the things I couldn't have ever said to my friends. The counselor seemed to understand me better than my closest friends had. Once I told her that. She said to me, "It's a pretty scary thing when you think that even your best friends don't understand you." And it is. Maybe they understand me a whole lot better now, meeting my whole family, knowing the things I've seen and been through in my short, pathetic life. But then my friends did start understanding me. They knew my true manner, and they knew better than to question me. I love them each so much it hurts inside even to discuss them, and discuss old times. Angela quick-dotted me a few days ago and said, "I hope you're everything like you were before you moved." And I'm not. It hurts inside because I know I'm not. I changed. And I know she did too. She just doesn't same the sound over the phone anymore... I guess we never really thought I'd leave. But I did... and I'm coming home.
"Please die Ana... for as long as you're here, we're not. You make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer. And I need you now somehow... Open fire on the needs designed, on my knees for you. Open fire, on my knees... desires, what I need from you. Imagine pageant... In the flesh my head seems thicker. Sandpaper tears corrode the film... And I need you now somehow. Open fire on the needs designed on my knees for you. Open fire, on my knees, desires, what I need from you. And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones, and Ana wrecks your life, like an anorexia life." -Silverchair
"But I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to say. I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels to handle every day. And I miss you love. Make room for the prey, 'cause I'm coming with what I wanna say, but it's gonna hurt, and I love the pain... a breeding ground for hate. But, I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels to everday like the one that just passed in the crowds of all the people. Remember today, I've no respect for you, and I miss you love. And I misuse love... I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back. It's just a fad, part of the teenage angst brigade... Remember two days, I've no respect for you, and I miss you love." -Silverchair.
"Mayke you'll kill yourself before I get a turn... Maybe I'll fall in love and never learn. Take the rope to my heart and fall. You may just be the last before you see the black tangled heart fall for you." -Silverchair.
"Liberate the people that you hate, and cut yourself again. Elevate, and drop back down, and see which one remains. Remember all that she can say is that she knows she wants it." -Silverchair.
"She is led to believe that it be okay... look at your face scarred in dismay. But times have changed, and so have you. I think I'd rather crucify than learn." -Kittie
"I'd like to take you down and show you deep inside, my life, my innerworkings of smell and lack of innerpride. To touch upon the surface is not for what it seems, I take away my problems, but only in my dreams." -Kittie.