I just returned from a week long stay in Kansas with all of my friends and family. If I thought things were bad before, things are only even worse now. I'm so desperate to go back to Kansas that I'm sick to my stomach. I practically begged everyone I knew to take me in. I was so excited to see Adam today. I know he and I haven't been getting along like we used to, but I was really happy to see him today. I didn't want anything to come between us. Of course, if I wanted that, I guess I should have not opened my mouth. Every time I try to get close to Adam, he pushes me away. I feel so unwanted. I asked him if he was even interested in me today. He never gave me a straight answer. Now he wants to know if we're through or what. How am I supposed to answer that? He and I don't even have a friendship anymore, let alone a relationship. I love Adam more than I've ever loved a single living soul in my entire life. He's the only man I could ever see myself marrying or having children with, or sharing a house with. This guy that I haven't spoken to for nearly 6 months IMs me out of the blue and starts hitting on me again. I was almost tempted, but I knew better than to give in. He's a royal scumbag, and he uses girls. All I want is maybe a little love, an inkling of attention, and some occasional affection. I never thought that was too much to ask for. I'm sorry, because I guess it is. Even when I ask Adam if he loves me, he says, "I guess. It's not like I think about it 24/7. 'Hey brain, do I love Jamie today?'" I think I just made a secret promise to myself. From this day on, no one's allowed to hurt me ever again, because I can't feel. I'm numb. Adam says he could care less if I leave him or stay with him. I'm so tired right now... I don't knwo what to do. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't sort of situation. I can't believe him sometimes. It's like if I want a hug, and he doesn't want one (which he never does, by the way), he pretty much tells me to go fuck off. I can't help it though... I'm continually drawn back to him for more. There's just something about him that keeps me coming back. I can't put my finger on it, exactly. I'm so sick of being treated the way I get treated though. To make matters much worse, I found out that Mark is in the hospital from his cousin, Mike. He had a seizure. Mark's always been like an older brother to me. He's helped me through things with Adam, he's helped me with school stuff... He's a great guy. I feel horrible right now. Like everything on this planet that's gone wrong is all my fault. It doesn't matter... I can't hurt anymore, right?
"She turned away, what was she looking at? She was a sour girl the day that she met me. Hey, what are you looking at? She was a happy girl the day that she left me. She turned away, what was she looking at? She was a sour girl the day that she met me. Hey, what are you looking at? She was a happy girl the day that left me. What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do if I follow? Don't turn away, what are you looking at? He was so happy on the day that he met her. Say, what are you looking at? I was a superman, but looks are deceiving. The rollercoaster ride's a lonely one, I'd pay a ransom note to stop it from steaming. Hey, what are you looking at? She was a teenage girl when she met me..." -Stone Temple Pilots.
"I just want to take you away from everyone and keep you stashed under my pillow. And then I'd take you out simply for my pleasure and wear you when the occasions special. Then I'd put you on like a diamond, so I can sparkle and be the envy of all my friends. I'd proudly hold the leash that I'd have you on, so you can't stray and follow me around all day. It's too late now, I don't think it can fade. It's too real now, fulfillment just adds to the blaze." -No Doubt.
"Can you tell I'm faking it? But I want to be myself. A counterfeit disposition can't be good for my health. So many different faces depending on the different phases. My personality changes, I'm a chameleon. There's more than one dimension. I can fool you and attract attention. Camoflage my nature, let me demonstrate..." -No Doubt.
"Pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games. So, pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flames. Pardon me... I'll never be the same." -Incubus.