+-she falls apart-+

[9-18-00] September 18, 2000

My parents are moving me to Tennessee, away from the only friends I'll ever have, and the only friends who I actually think accepted me. My best friend and I go way back to Kindergarten. We hated each other then, but around 6th grade when she became an outcast, she and I started to like each other. Ever since then we've been like sisters. My other best friend and I have known each other since we were two. Touching, isn't it? So touching it makes you want to puke. I must confess, it even made me want to puke. I've fought the urge though. I always talked about how I wanted to get out of this town and how I hated it. But now I don't want to leave. It's the only real thing I've ever known. In all truthfulness, it's not that bad, since I have friends here who help me pull through. It's going to be Hell without them, but I feel like maybe I'll have a better shot in Tennessee, whether I want to admit that to anyone or not. A better shot at what you ask? Life. Making friends. Meeting new people. Doing things that I couldn't do here. I will miss my friends and family though. And I don't know how long I can stand my immediate family without them. But I do need a break from this place. The place that has broken one dream after another with the people in it who help break the dreams that I dream. I feel like the subject of one of those John Hughes movies from the '80s. New kid, new town, new people... box office ratings... Ack. Wait, I was wrong. I feel like the poster child for teenage angst. Things have really sucked lately. My hearing is gone in my left ear again. School has sucked. Boys suck... everything sucks. I did make some new friends though. I guess they're my friends. I don't know. Maybe just acquaintances. Who cares? They make me laugh. I can be open with them. I think a true friend is someone who will listen to you, understand you, and try to be with you always, no matter what your decision is. I started reading the book Go Ask Alice in 2nd period today, and by 7th hour, I was finished. That was an amazing book. It's now among my favorites. I loved Romeo and Juliet, The Outsiders, and The Catcher in The Rye. I prefer books to people sometimes.

"Yeah, I'll see you smile as you call my name... start to feel and it feels the same, and I know that maybe someday is come... Maybe someday is coming. If I could do it again, maybe just once more, think I could make it work like I did before... if I could try it out, if I could just be sure, then maybe someday is the last time... yeah maybe someday is the end... or maybe someday is when it all stops... or maybe someday always comes again." -The Cure.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner... sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city of angels, lonely as I am, together we cry." -Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

"I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way, take me to the place I love, take me all the way, yeah." -Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

"I love livin' in the city, I love livin' in the city. My house smells just like a shoe, it's chocked full of shit and puke, cockroaches on the walls, crabs crawling on my balls, love lots of big c*nt... I just wanna f*ck some slut!" -Fear.