it's pretty self explainatory if you read it
transcription of 20 minute microcassette
10:52 on the 23rd of june: he's not talking to me and the last time i talked to him was, i don't know, 2 days ago. so he's been out for 2 days, you know, and he didn't call me and he won't talk to me. i went-i went to the-to the show and---and he wouldn't talk to me. i mean, i was mad but he wouldn't even talk to me and, so, ((you know who you are)), you know, was trying to be really helpful and he said 'you need to just be civil' and 'you need to suck it up and go talk to him.' and i finally did and it didn't do me any good and they got done playing and i got up on stage and gave him a hug and a kiss and told him i loved him and it didn't do any good---and-um-he's mad at me and he won't talk to me----and-um- he told me, you know, he told me if it so happens that we have our first fight he told me we'd talk it out like adults---he told me this wouldn't happen----so now-i left with ((you again))because i really didn't have a choice-and-um-the last thing i said to him was i'd really like to talk to him sometime. he has no idea what happened to me for 2 days. he has no idea. and he didn't ask me about my first day at my new job----didn't-just-won't even talk to me---you know, no apology for not existing to me for 2 days---i don't know if he's going to talk to me ever---and you know, i was thinking, how am i going to look back on this relationship when it's over? and i'm going to look back on it like i was 17 he was 21 that always weirded me out, and he was so nice to me. he was so nice to me and he was such a gentleman to me. he was absolutely-he really was absolutely wonderful.---i'll now look back on it and wonder what i did wrong. that's-that's what's going to kill me. you know, it's like, i'm going to be wondering what i did wrong.--i don't know anymore.--i'm going to look back on it and look back on my pictures of new harmony---and just look back on those and remember how totally, totally wonderful that day was. i didn't have to worry about anything. didn't have to think about anything---the greatest day i had-just complete careless freedom-knowing everything was going to be ok with a person i'd known, like, 2 weeks.--i bought him a lollipop-that's how i met him ((break)) well that failed, i called andy just-i didn't know if he was still at the show and i asked him to ask if he ever wanted to speak to me again but he'd [andy] already left-great-so-funny thing-he was really nice to me about it-he said 'well, the next time i see him if i see him at the mall tomorrow or something i'll ask him.'---it;s like having something and now-i don't know----i remember when he asked me if i wanted to do something on Thursday night and not accomplishing anything and it being the most fun i had---i was probably just to fucked up for him--well---suffering through fight club {ha} so i liked things like that-simple movie watching became a people observation-at least it did for me. he really was wonderful, you know, he really was. i mean if you look at, like, every relationship i--i'm not going to find somebody that nice who's going to treat me that well 'cause he really did--'cause i didn't deserve one ounce of it--hmm--oh man--oh well--i'm used to being dumped. i really am. i just didn't expect it from him.
robby called me last night--talked to me for like five hours. you know, the next time i talk to him i'm going to have to be, like, 'um, hey, day after i talked to you i got dumped.'----i'm not going to shows anymore. no way in hell. i'm not really going to do much of anything. i'll disappear. i'm definitely going to just disappear. no going to shows. no going to the mall. no going to the concert in july.----oh well----i wouldn't want to, you know, [they] just wouldn't be right without him.----he'd pick out clothes for me. everything i liked. he could just look at me a certain way and make me feel better.--i loved it when he did that.--and he probably had no idea he was even doing it----has no idea how many of his mannerisms i picked up. i don't think i really noticed it until i had ((yes you again))tell me i sounded just like him. i was like 'ooh i'm sorry.' {ha} i'll just go back to not having any mannerisms i guess. it'll give me more time to read shakespeare's plays. i guess i can take the love poetry back. the worst part is, it had to happen when i was really, really in love. like, just right in the middle of everything--right in the middle of everything--i am happy robby called me-made me laugh. someone else usually did that. he was the person who could make me laugh. i didn't have him to make me laugh-robby did-it was nice. he's going to die when i tell him this, though. he just, he won't be ready for it. i had to leave the show really quick 'cause i was almost-i was-we're talking-inches from crying uncontrollably. i wasn't ready for that to end. i really wasn't. now i'm back by myself again. the eternal me having to take care of me.
-he's not calling me.
-but i do get to cherish his ring for one more night.
