Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all.

Rating: PG-13 (for language)

Lyrics from It Doesn’t Matter by Allison Kraus. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~.

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Buffy was shivering. The night was chilly even for autumn. She pulled her coat closer as she made her way through the cemetery. Patrol was dead. No pun intended. She hadn’t met with a single vamp or nasty the whole night. Inevitably she found herself standing in front of his crypt. Or at least what used to be his crypt.

She stared at the ornate entrance. The door she had flung open countless times over the past years. She threw the door open once again, entering the crypt. Clem had left months ago to return to his own place.

She looked around her to see that everything was still in its place. It was as if he would be back any minute having just stepped out for a smoke. She thought back to the night she’d found out he was gone. She had come with Dawn and found only Clem. No explanation. No good-byes. Just an empty crypt and no promise to return.

She sat in her usual place in his ratty lounger. Breathing in the faded scent of him. There were candles everywhere. She refused to light them, not wanting any other scents to intrude on what little she had left of him. She came after every patrol, almost as if he were still here. She missed him. Wanted to know where he had gone and why.

~ It doesn’t matter what I want.

~ It doesn’t matter what I need.

~ It doesn’t matter if I cry,

~ Don’t matter if I bleed.

~ You’ve been on a road

~ Don’t know where it goes or where it leads.

She bent her head remembering the night before his departure. Is that why he had gone? The bruises had faded by the next morning. The bruises that he had inflicted. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the memory. She didn’t know how to wrap her mind around it. Didn’t know how to react. It had been months, but she hadn’t yet found closure. Maybe that was because he vanished before she could.

Would she have stopped him if she had known? She knew now that there was something missing from her life. Something that she hadn’t realized had become a part of her. Not until he was gone. Would she have known then? Would she have known enough to stop him, even after what he had done? Maybe it wasn’t even about her. Maybe he just finally wanted to be free. Free of her, free of Sunnydale, free of what he had become.

~ It doesn’t matter what I want.

~ It doesn’t matter what I need.

~ If you’ve made up your mind to go

~ I won’t beg you to stay

~ You’ve been in a cage

~ Throw you to the wind you’ll fly away

She could feel the tears sting her eyes. What if he had gone to be free? Was he out there somewhere seeking away to return to his old self? If he came back, would she be able to do her duty? She used to threaten him with it often enough. But could she really?

She had finally admitted to him that she had feelings for him. That night. The night before he left. That she cared for him, even if it wasn’t love. Could she slay someone that she had feelings for? She had done it once before, but could she again? She was getting tired of all the self-sacrifice. Even when she made the biggest sacrifice of all, they still couldn’t let her rest.

He understood. She knew that if he had found out what they were up to he never would have let them bring her back. No matter how much he wanted them to. He loved her. She didn’t doubt that now. That’s what made reconciling their last night together so hard. He loved her, she knew. But he was still a demon. There was still a demon within him. Even if it didn’t always control him.

~ It doesn’t matter what I want.

~ It doesn’t matter what I need.

~ It doesn’t matter if I cry,

~ Don’t matter if I bleed.

~ Feel the sting of tears

~ Fallin’ on this face you’ve loved for years.

She was openly weeping now. Curled up on his lounger she didn’t hear the sounds of the crypt door opening. Didn’t see the look of longing mixed with self-hatred on the intruder’s face.

"Buffy."