I've always questioned the realness of some of today's top acts. They need not be my personal favorite style, but they just need be anyone really. I look at some of these stars and see just that. I do not see talent of any kind. Sure, they might be able to sing pretty damn good, but they use their voices for other people's songs. They don't know what the song is really about. They don't know what the person who wrote the song feels. They don't know shit. That just is not real to me. I look at Britney Spears and I say, "That is just pathetic. Why can't the songwriter come out and play the song. I'd probably feel the music, the lyrics, and everything a whole lot more in my mind and not in my loins." Though I really don't feel them there when I look at her. There really is nothing special about her. You also have to look at her fans. Five year old girls. She's selling sex to five year olds. Do the parents not realize this? I always question that. A band like Limp Bizkit, per se, isn't even all that real. I honestly, truly, with all my heart detest that band. I see no point for his "back the fuck up" philosophy. He doesn't really care for his fans. Sure he says he does. That's why he's the vice president of the record company. Of course he cares...but what does he care about? What do most major label acts these days really care about? That's right. You guessed it. The money. I hate that. If you do it for the money, you might as well get a day job, because you're doing the same damned thing except for on a fairly larger scale. I think the musicians who do the music their way, and love it, as well as dedicate themselves 200% to their fans and truly show their gratitude should get more support. Buy what doesn't sell, it's bound to be that much greater than you think. That is all for now.

October 7, 2002 - 12:24 PM
I've come to grips with being alone. Me and my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years ended our relationship this weekend. It hurt for a little while, but I talked to her an hour or so after it happened. We talked about alot of things. Why we split. How we wanted to still stay in each other's lives. How we still loved each other. But the fact of the matter is that it just didn't work out. Things just never seem to work out how we hope they will. I honestly thought that she was the one for me. She just might be. I really don't know that yet. The honest truth is that I'm growing to realize that I don't know how to be her friend. From the moment I met her I fell in love with her. When we were dating we were inseperable. When we were broken up, we didn't talk at all. I've realized that I've never actually had the chance to spend time with her as a friend. The first time we ended our relationship, we just stopped talking for half a year. The second time was a good few months that we didn't talk. This time we're spending time together. I'm still very uneasy sometimes. I try not to get too close to her. I don't want to invade her space. I tortured myself for a good three weeks over how the relationship was going sour. We almost broke up once, but we managed to stay around. That was a very torturous thing. Then we got back together...still very painful emotionally speaking. I was so afraid to do or say anything. I felt that the slightest kiss or the hint of "I Love You" would upset her or bother her or whatever. I think I was wrong. So I kept my distance. I made it a point to try and change how I felt about the situation. It was very hard, but the moment I change how I feel...the situation is changed. The second I started to feel really good again, the relationship just ends. I mean, seriously, I don't know things got the way they did. We spend 2 1/2 years together...We must have been doing something right. And I realize that I'm missing out on the things that made me fall in love with her. I miss the way she laughs. I miss the way she smiles. I miss the way she would look at me and the whole world would go away. I miss losing myself in her eyes. I just miss the comfort that I got when I heard her voice. And I realize that I've got to try and move on. Who knows? Someday we might end up together yet again. Maybe that time, it will be so much better than we ever imagined. Whatever happens will happen. It will be for the best. I know that in the back of my mind, there will be that feeling that things will work out for us. Things always work out. Maybe not how you expected. But they do work out. And I've got to take that and live with that. You take what you're given and you work with it. It may not be much sometimes, but a shitty hand is a learning experience. I'm just ready to face a few new challenges. Trying to have a healthy friendship with her is going to be a challenge, but I am very willing to take it on.

Monday, October 14, 2002 - 7:23 PM
This may sound bad, but I've become somewhat apathetic of the situation that was mentioned prior to this installment. You know what I'm saying? That's right...The one right before this one. hehe Anywho...I've grown to the opposite end of the spectrum within a week. It's quite odd. One moment, I'm completely anxious, but the next it's like it never happened. In a way, it is a great relief. I'm beginning to move on with my life. Doing my own thing now. I'm having frustrations with current musical projects. I may just have to go elsewhere or just go alone. Either way, I think I will hold up fairly well. That's pretty much it. Those of you that saw the other thing. I didnt' want anyone to be worried about me. ;) Not like anyone sees this anyway. Have a good one folks.

Friday, November 1, 2002 - 6:02 PM
I'm very tempted to cut all ties with a few people for the reason of my own emotional health. I should have known better to make a phone call that I would regret making. It's really shitty how someone that was so great to you at one point can turn you into an irritated, angry person. I mean, I call my friend today, I'm sure you all know who i'm talkin about. it turns out we're friends, but we don't talk or hang out. i don't know what to call it. and if i wanna hang out with them and they have someone else call they'd drag me along. how shitty is that..i made plans first and i get dragged along with someone else's plans. i am beginning to see the reality of the situation and wonder exactly why i am even bothering to do anything. i mean....a month ago, i was the bad guy...now all i am is a tag-along friend when there's time to get me. but there is an upside to this. for the past couple of months i've been talkin' to a very very cool person. they've helped me get through some pretty tough emotional shit. and i can't thank them enough for that. i totally appreciate it. they've become one of my best friends as of late. i really can't say thank you or how much it means to me enough. so with all i've got in me right now, thank you friend.

Wednesday, December 4 - 8:48 PM
Tonight I have realized that I will begin my new musical endeavor. I am determined, but I will not force myself. For some odd reason, I've been putting the writing of new material off for a very long time. I think I just might come across my next idea very very soon. The sooner the better in my mind. I'd like to get back into playing for people. I really miss being able to do that kind of thing. It was one of the finer points of playing in a band. I may have to take this road alone and that thought really scares me. I will always wonder whether people would accept me with just a guitar in hand and a voice to struggle with. I guess that is something I should never really wonder about. Everything has a way of coming together, even when everyone thinks it's falling apart. One of the wonders of life, I guess. I've become satisfied with my guitar playing ability as of late. I'm getting better coordinated with my instrument and that makes me happy. The fact that I haven't touched an electric guitar in about three weeks leads me to believe that being in a band right now would probably not be the best thing for me. The people I have been playing with as of late have had a way of slowing me down in my musical process. The more I want to put out on the table, the less I proceed to do so. I guess that's how I've been working lately. Having the desire to say so much yet never saying a thing. Sometimes silence is a good thing though. I believe that things might work if I could get ahold of the means to perform for people even as a single person. The more I think about it the more comfortable the idea sounds to me. I should go out and acheive this goal because I think it would be the best for me. Here's to the future...

Tuesday, January 7, 2003 - 8:36 PM
Here's the deal. I've been talking to this girl as of late. For the past few months, she's been the only person I've actually been communicating with. I really really enjoy our conversations as they can last for hours on end and always stay pretty interesting. I really enjoy this girl. Her personality is amazing. She's just a wonderful person. I don't know how many times I've told her that, but she is just perfect. We talk so much, but over the past few days we haven't talked much. I kinda miss the conversation and everything else. I've also joined up with a new project where I play guitar almost exclusively. It's interesting, but I'm not so sure I'm as into it as I am supposed to be. But I'm not realy supposed to be into it, now am I? I'm still planning my crazy acoustic project. I've got it planned out as to who i want to work with. So far the people that I want to work with really would like to work with me. that is a good thing. i'm excited about it,but it still may be awhile before anything takes form. I've got a gig in a few days that should be quite interesting. But anway, that's what's going on with me as of late. Outie.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003 - 10:32 PM
I've come to a shocking realization. I know it's a pathetic thing to say, but we all have our bad days. I don't know what's going on my mind right now. Lots of mixed feelings about alot of things. I talked to my former bassist tonight. He's in a pretty decent band so I'm told. He's touring and recording and doing a damned good job. I hear this and it kind of damages my ego. I mean, I'm very happy for he and his bandmates' success, but you all know how it goes. It kind of hurts that I can't be in on it. I never realize how much I really wanted to make this music thing into something to live for until tonight. I always said I wanted it, but I never fully realized it until tonight. And I kind of feel alone, in a way, about how I will do such a thing. I just know that I want it, and that with quite a bit of time, effort, and money, I can acheieve something. I know I have to work for it and I really want to. I guess it's time to start selling myself and make myself seem like such a great thing. But with all the hype comes so much shit to live up to. I've got some work cut out for me, but I must believe that I can do it. No matter how discouraged I feel as of right now about many many things, I can acheive what I want if I work at it and truly want it.

Monday, March 03, 2003 - 7:58 AM
It's been a long time since I've updated this thing, so I think I shall tell whoever wants to know what's been going on with me as of late. Well, I've just been working and sleeping for the most part. I joined up with another project that I will more than likely be fronting. So far it's working out. I haven't had the opportunity to vocalize yet, and I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty after not having really sang very much in the past eight months since 2 Second Fall Back split. We've got alot of music in the works and it's coming along quite quick. Hopefully everything will be ready in the near future. Anywho...About the girl I mentioned a couple entries ago. I got to hang out with her for a few hours this morning. I have to say that I was really happy to see her. Also, I realize that what I said about her really is true. She's absolutely awesome. I really enjoyed talking to her and got to the point where I liked her just talking. I really enjoyed hanging out with her this morning. Now I am pretty sure I really like this girl quite a bit. Who knows what could happen, eh? But she is just perfect. That's about it for now. I guess I'll fill whoever reads this in later. Have a great one.

Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 5:11 AM
A friend of mine once told me that he thought I was slowly going insane. The more I think about it, the more I realize that friend was right. Thank you friend for informing me of this. This section is to inform you of what I'm thinking as if you really cared, so here goes....Actually, I'm having a hard time thinking. I gave a buddy of mine some advice on writing. I told him that the more you try to push the thoughts out, the more you try to force those thoughts into words, the more you try to put your feelings on paper...screen...whatever...the more you try to write...the less you actually do. I find this very true. I believe that to write...you have to be in the moment...you have to have that sort of feeling that says "i have an idea...i will put it on paper...screen...whatever" and the words will come to you in the form of that idea. I really do believe in this. So for you writers...let the feelings and thoughts and words flow from your brain and heart...and it will all be genuine. That's all for now.

Friday, June 06, 2003 - 2:32 AM
I really don't know what to write about in this installment, but I know that I do want to write something. I think I've figured it out so far. Lately, life has been moving really fast. It seems like just yesterday that I woke up to walk to stage on graduation day. Now, I see many of my close friends walking the same stage I did. And to be totally honest, I am very proud of them. But at the same time I fear for them. Everyone is growing up and growing apart. Growing up doesn't scare me, but growing apart does. These people have been there for me, and I for them. And losing touch with them in the next few weeks, months, even years just seems to really scare me. But I am happy that they've come this far, and I know that now they can only go farther. I have faith in them. But losing touch is murder. I saw my ex-girlfriend at graduation. For some odd reason, it tore me apart on the inside. She totally blew me off. I realize that she isn't the girl I met three years ago. She isn't that girl at all. I don't think she ever was at all. I think I thought too much of her and I still think too much of her. I don't miss her, but it irritates me that she said we should be friends when I know she isn't even going to make an effort to be even that. As much as she promised me she would, she hasn't. I doubt she ever will. I wish her the best, but for now, I hope I don't see her for awhile. It just wouldn't be good for me. Too much hostility towards her, though I dont admit it to her. Of course I still care about her, though I wouldn't go back to the way things were for the world. It was just too much, and looking back, things just weren't as great as they seemed. Perhaps I was a little too possessive. Perhaps she didn't give a fuck about anything that I cared about. Either way, I know now that she wasn't the right person for me. And I'm glad to have come to that realization. It just eats away at me to see her happy with someone else. I'm sure everyone is that way at some point in their lives though. I'd like to focus on my music, but I haven't been inspired that much lately. I was given some well-needed advice on writing a couple of weeks ago. In fact, I took that advice and in the same night wrote what could possibly be one of my best songs ever. The person told that I should try something new. Write about something I've never written about before. Or just take an old subject and look at it from a different perspective. Not in those exact words, but that is what I got out of it. I should use that advice more often. I haven't quite figured out what direction I'm going to take this next project, but I've got all the time in the world to figure it out. Thanks to those that support me no matter how many times I change things. Your input has helped make me into the writer I am today. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything. I guess that's it for today.

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003 - 11:42 PM
I've discovered that I love drinking. I don't necessarily enjoy the taste, though it isn't half bad. But, I do enjoy the relaxing nature of drinking a couple of beers and chilling out. And I'm really excited about starting up this new project. I'm hoping to go from making a bunch of noise to writing sometime in the near future. Not that making noise isn't a total blast sometimes, but you know, I love writing. I love sitting down with an idea and sometimes another person and just writing. Be it music or words or both. I'd prefer both cuz I need to improve, but it's just satisfying. You get that really good warm feeling when you know you've completed something that might just be your next masterpiece. I wrote a song a couple months back that I've been meaning to record on my cheap soundrecorder. I just haven't had the time or the funds to get a microphone. I know I know...a cheap cheap $10 microphone shouldn't be hard to aquire but sometimes things just happen. hehe I look forward to recording the song. IT's entitled "letters and photographs". I'm sure I mentioned it int he last installation of this noisy cluttered mess, but I'm proud of it. I wrote something in a different way. I thought about things a different way and came up with a product that I think might possibly be worth a listen. I'll keep you posted as always. Thanks for dropping by.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2003 - 12:33 pm
Well, hello there. Thanks for checking this out. For the past couple months I've been pretty busy I guess. I've been working on a new musical endeavor and trying to keep my head on straight. For those of you who haven't heard yet, I joined up with Racketbox about a month ago. I've played two shows with them, both of which have went pretty well. So far so good, right? So I've been having the best month and a half of my life. Just been out and about enjoying myself more than I have for the past couple of years. I'm taking a super long lunch break, because I've been aloud to do so. Apparently, someone thinks I'm fucked up all the time. I'm not sure how much I can really get into it, but I'm actually quite hurt by that. Apparently, having a slight sleeping disorder qualifies me to be a stoner or something else of the sort. I don't really know what to say, but I'm going to have alot of trouble in the future with who I can trust and who I will talk to. I probably won't say much to anyone at work, because everyone will get the wrong impression. That's not what I need. I guess it's just another test, emotionally as well as physically. I guess time will tell whether or not it will be passed, right? But you know what? These fuckers don't know who I am. They know nothing about me. So, really, what gives them the fucking right to give me a label? Can anyone tell me this? What gives them the right to judge me because of how I act. Sure, sometimes, my speech is kind of slurred, sometimes I am sluggish, sometimes I do look a lil fucked up. That's just how I am. Everyone that really knows me can tell you that. It's just me, Michael Jackson. Plain and fucking simple. I just wish people would just talk to me, before they go talking to someone in a higher position. I think alot of people have the wrong idea about me. Sure, I've been going out alot lately, but what young guy wants to sit at home and be bored? Boredom is what gets people in trouble. Boredom is why people do drugs. Boredom is why people do things that they probably shouldn't do. I go out and have a good time to avoid the boredom. I go out to avoid substance abuse. I like to drink, but I don't let the shit control me. I just really don't know what to think about right now. I'd sure appreciate an apology from those fuckers though. How would they feel if someone said something about them that could put their job in jeapordy, their future in jeapordy? I think they'd feel the exact same way that I would. They'd be upset, angry, ready to fucking fuck everyone up. Seriously, what gives them the god damned right to judge me? Anyway, that's pretty much what's on my mind right now. so, thanks for stopping in.

Monday, October 6, 2003 - 5:45 PM
Alright here goes nothing. Today's my day off and I've not done anything constructive. I'm just sat on my ass and ate and listened to a bunch of music. Perhaps I've grown a lil jaded? I don't know. Whatever right? Alot has happened since the last update. I've played a few shows with Racketbox. Been in the band for like three months now. Things have been working pretty well. We played at Hustler's and Bum's and Emo's...and if I understand correctly, which i do, we've got a couple of shows at the end of the month. I'm happy about that. I've also suffered a drunken rage since the last update. Funny situation. I'm not so used to people coming to see me for just one thing. So I'm hanging out with everyone, drinking and having a good time. I tell my friend to call some other friends. So he calls this one girl that I'd been checking out every time I saw her. Apparently she was happy that I was there so I talked her into coming over. We got drunk and had a good ol' time. Ended up with her at the end of the night. Thanks alot guys. lol Not necessarily proud of it, but it is amusing. I'm sure most of my friends know from either me or other friends about the whole thing. Anywho a whole shit load of drama and shit due to a few misunderstandings ended the whole situation. Wasn't much of one to begin with but I got drunk and flipped out. Quite entertainging. But aside from that everything in the Mike's life has been very good. God damn it's hot in here. Ever get that feeling someone's watching you? You should, because secretly, I am. ;) That's all for now. Have a good one everyone that stops in every six months.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 11:41 AM
Wow, in my last installation I made a joke about what I'm doing today. That's kind of crazy. Anywho...Alot has been going on since October. I don't remember alot of it, but it's been mostly major important fun stuff. Big Mike got an overseas contracting job, so he'll be on his way over to the mid-east sometime in the near future. I wish him the best of luck. He got a week of leave last week. He came down and we rewrote and rearranged some of the newer songs and went ahead and recorded them with Jon from Miphix. It was a good experience. I never realized how much I like the studio atmospher. So far the tracks sound really good. I heard some of them last night. I've also been working with another band from Copperas Cove. They used to be a rocking ska band by the name of the Piano Bandits. Their bassist got send to Iraq though, so they got me to play bass and went a lil more straight rock ala minor threat and opivy. That's been a very very fun experience for me. Back to the basics and also getting me to open up and be the way I should be. Just an amazing group of people there. Simplicity is a good thing. I've written various things for a solo thing. I don't think I'll finish that any time soon. Steve and I have decided to start a goofy acoustic band. The mediocre souls in one way...and the bad souls in another. It'll be good fun. Alot's been going on. Damn...racketbox...what an experience. Yea, and I just had a really weird dream. Not weird in a bad way...but weird in a sense at least. It involved a girl I haven't seen in about six years and haven't talk to in about six months. I don't know what it all meant...but apparently...i'm going to run into someone that was pretty important to me in the past and things are going to get kind of cool. not necessarily her...but seeing a pic of her now...it wouldn't hurt. but you know...either way...i guess i'll be on the not so clear look out for a bit. anywho...i think thats all i've got for now.

Thursday - July 1, 2004
I guess I can start this off by saying that I am completely miserable. I think that's a good start for such an installation. I have a problem. It's a problem that I do not know how to solve. In realizing that I can not solve this problem, I've become quite frustrated. I don't know whether to fucking scream or what. I've been doing alot of shit for the past couple of months that I really guess I shouldn't have been doing. I don't guess, I know for sure, that I shouldn't have been doing it. I'm really confused by alot of shit and I think I've destroyed something between someone...I don't know. In saying that, I am guilty, but I honestly don't regret it. I mean, really, what is a guy to do? You see a very attractive young woman and sometimes shit happens. It's just that when I see a very attractive young woman, I tend to fuck myself. I will flat out admit that I do go for the wrong girl 95% of the time. The other 5%...I have no idea where that went, so I guess I do go for the wrong girl 100% of the time. And that, to be completely honest, scares me. I don't want to fuck people over, I really don't. I don't want to ruin something for someone else. As much as it's not all my fault, I am taking it all as my fault. One person's actions can cause someone else's actions to change. And I guess I'm good at changing how people act...That depresses me to no end. I'm so fucking depressed right now. So frustrated...So I don't even fucking know. I'm doing something wrong. I was told once that no matter what, I want to be the good guy. I try so hard to be the good guy, even when I am the bad guy. Perhaps because most of the time, if I am the bad guy, it's unintentional. I don't know. I just got involved with the wrong girl. Who cares what circumstances are involved. All in all, she was just the wrong girl. I'm saying it, but I haven't yet accepted it. I guess anyone call tell that I really like her quite a bit. I don't know if she feels the same, and honestly, if she doesn't, I don't blame her. And I can say that I probabaly wouldn't be so fucked if I knew for sure what she thought of me. But you know, girls these days, so confusing. I'm sure that's how they've always been. I saw her tonight...I think about her quite a bit. It's not supposed to be this way. The funny thing is...She can tell something's wrong. And she asks me what's wrong in front of everyone. I know she knows what's wrong. And it's gonna turn into the same thing that it did last time this happened. I'm gonna turn into the "asshole" just because I have a different attitude. Because I'm not as talkative to her. Because I snap at her. Maybe I should just be that person. But honestly, I don't want that. Maybe I shouldn't have even messed with her? She's been really good to me, to be honest. I value her friendship more than she knows. I don't care what happens...I'd at least like to be her friend. No fuck it, not even at least...I just want to be her friend. I've left myself in a bind that I really can not get out of. But things change...People change...feelings change. I find myself really wanting more than just a fling. So I should find somebody else. I want to. I can't express that. I hate knowing that that's all it is right now. Honestly, I just really don't want a fling. I told myself that a long time ago. Don't get involved with someone that's just going to be a waste of your time...emotion. All that. Emotion is bullshit, but it's real. And my stupid ass had to get all this over-emotional shit from my mom's genes. Thanks mom, I appreciate it. I just want to have a normal relationship with a girl. Nothing fancy...I just want to be with somone who wants to be with me. I just want someone who accepts me for me, moodiness and all. Somone who can deal with my flaws...not just point them out and make fun of them. Someone who won't change their personality every time someone new enters the room. I'm tired of bullshit. I want something real. Maybe someday I'll have just that...Something real. Something special. Something that means something. I just realized that the last few girls I've gotten involved with in the past six months have been nothing but a waste of time. Flings and stupid girls that don't even know what a relationship is supposed to be about. It's not about money...it's not about sex...it's about being with somebody that wants to be with you just because you are you. Ijust want that. I don't think that's too much to ask, honestly. I guess I'm a lonely guy. I'll be lonely for awhile. It's alright though. I guess venting made me feel a little better. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I'd even talk to the girl that I wrote this whole rant about. But I guess if she really wanted to know if anything was wrong, she would have came and took me to the side and talked to me. That's what everyone else does. I feel really alone right now. I don't like living by myself. I really don't. I don't like my job. I want a better job and I want someone to talk to. Who really wants to be alone? I don't...