Star Trek: The Smallville Nightmare--Part One

Couple(s): Um, there isn't much shipperness

Rating: PG-13 for some minor violence and usage of the word 'bloody'.

Disclaimer: Everything but the plot belongs to someone other than me. Smallville belongs to Alfred Gough; Voyager belongs to Brannon Braga and Gene Roddenberry; Freddy belongs to New Line Cinema, Wes Craven, and Robert Englund. The travesty that is Enterprise belongs, again, to Brannon Braga and Ron D. Moore.

Author's Note: This is a strange parody I thought up after realizing the parallels between several Smallville characters and those of the Star Trek Universe. I added Freddy because, otherwise, the plot would make less sense than it already does. Neither myself or one of my Mary Sues makes an appearance, I promise.

* * * * * *

Freddy Krueger was in Hell, literally. "It certainly lives up to its reputation," he muttered to himself as he grudgingly shoved stuffed animals and picture books on their respective shelves. Upon entering the Dark Place--after dying for the seventh time--he was given a choice: Enterprise reruns for all of eternity, or being a preschool teacher.

He went for the latter, assuming he could kill off the students if they got whiney and if he got too bored. (Not to mention the fact that he knew Enterprise sucks.) When the first boy began to sob during story time--was it Freddy's fault that the kid didn't enjoy Steven King's It?--he grinned evilly and tried to slice the child's throat with the knives on his right hand. Several things happened when he did so: the knives turned into plastic toys then completely vanished, and something searingly hot stabbed him in the face.

"Bloody heck!" he screamed, when the third degree burns he'd already suffered were made even deeper. "Okay, I get it. I don't get my weapons, and I can't hurt anyone. Do I have any freedom?"

A booming voice from somewhere above him intoned, "Of course not, you moron! This is Hell, for crying out loud! Would you rather sit through millennia of Enterprise? Hmm?"

The former villain whimpered. "Okay, okay. I'll behave."

There was a sudden flash of purple smoke and the school disappeared. Freddy breathed a sigh of relief; if he saw one more Barbie doll-- "Krueger! How marvelous to see you. My name's Q--Omnipotent Being and Universal Pest. I took control of this domain for a few hours. I can do that, ya know." He looked extremely proud of himself, straightening the twenty-fourth century judge's robes in which he was clad.

"You don't do anything halfway, do you? I've heard of you, by the way," Krueger said warily, suddenly aware that he was floating in outer space; a fact that had escaped him before. "Dude, I'm floating. This is so much cooler than when I was terrorizing kids on Elm Street!"

Q rolled his eyes and sighed. "Amateur. Anyway, I need your help. Want to get out of this joint for a while?"

"Heck, yes," was the overzealous response. "Where are we going?"

The omnipotent alien's eyes lit up. "Fantastic. Have you heard of a little Kansas town called Smallville?"

* * * * * *

Whitless, er, Whitney Fordman--blonde jock, brain dead moron, and the dullest boy to ever attend Smallville High--closed his eyes and stretched out across his bed. "Going to school, being worshipped by everyone, pretending to give a darn about my clueless girlfriend's dead parents, and being rude to Kent are fulltime jobs; I'm so tired. I wish my good-for-nothing, trampy, ex-cheerleader girlfriend was here to kiss me goodnight." Without another word to himself, he was fast asleep, snoring and drooling.

* * * * * *

Lex Luthor turned to his companion, eyes wide. "Clark, do you have any idea where we are?" They were surrounded by consoles and a huge view screen, which revealed that they were in outer space. "One second I was in bed with some foreign chick, the next second I was here with you."

Clark tugged on a lock of his curly brown hair nervously. "I wanna go home to mommy," he whispered, staring sadly at his bald friend. "Hold me, Lex, I'm scared." Instead of simply hugging the high school student, Lex kissed him fiercely.

"Well, you must be Lex Luthor and Clark Kent. I'd recognize your bald head anywhere, Lex," a fair-haired, blue-eyed man wearing a red uniform said cheerfully, startling the pair. "My name's Tom Paris, resident Lady Killer. I fly this baby, though she could really fly herself; I'm just here 'cause I'm bloody sexy."

Lex stared at the pilot, looking him up and down expertly. "Hello. Do you know where the babes and/or underage high school boys are? If not, can my father--known to most as 'M.B.'--and I backstab you for a ton of money? He may be the world's biggest pig, but he's bloody good at hurting people."

Tom motioned toward the ship's turbolift. "Go to the second deck and ask where the holodeck is. You can have as many babes and/or innocent boys as you want all at once."

With a nod and a wide grin, Lex hurried to the 'lift, leaving Clark alone with the enigmatic sleazeball. "How'd you know who I was?" he whispered, gazing at Tom in awe.

The sandy-haired man smirked. "C'mon, you're the only guy Lex would ever try to make out with. Besides, everyone knows the future Superman."

The boy wrinkled his nose. "'Superman'? Isn't that the name Chloe came up with when Eric stole.." He trailed off, not wanting to confess his Really Important Secret to a stranger.

"That was 'Superboy'. I guess your mommy hasn't made you that suit yet. Don't tell anyone I told ya!" After thinking for a moment, Tom disappeared in the direction Lex had gone; Clark started to cry at the mention of Martha Kent.

"Mommy!"

* * * * * *

Kathryn Janeway frowned at the blonde girl that stood, helplessly, in front of her desk. "Who are you and what are you doing on my ship? Are you working for Q--that sexy, omnipotent you-know-what? If you are, where is he? I might reconsider having his kids, since I've been without love for seven years and my First Officer isn't exactly husband-material. He's too busy with his legends and his not-so-secret affair with Seven." She made a face and gulped down more of the coffee in her bottomless mug.

Chloe Sullivan licked her lips and drooled. "Is that coffee?" She took a step closer to the red-haired captain.

"GET BACK!" Kathryn shrieked, her hair standing on end. "This is my coffee! And look what you did to my hair!" She banged her fist on her huge desk. "Damn Mark for dumping me, damn Chakotay for falling for the bimbo, damn Q for not showing up anymore!"

Always desperate to investigate a story, Chloe whipped out the notebook from her pants pocket and pulled the pen out from behind her ear. "I don't know why I'm here, but I think Clark has something to do with it; sexy, little Clark with his pouty lips and his big blue eyes. If not him, then Sexy Lexy brought me here. I may hate him, but he's sure sexy as heck!" She thought for a moment. "I'd better focus. I know that what happened to your hair is related to the meteor rocks. I wish I had my laptop so I could do some digging..."

Kathryn fixed the future reporter with her infamous Stony Glare. Anyone on the receiving end of such a look was required to turn into a statue, otherwise Paramount would force them to appear as a masked villain who tries to seduce Chakotay the next week.. "Get. Off. My. Ship," she growled, praying the Transformation would hold off and she'd keep her human form for a few more seconds. The last thing I want is to turn into--that COFFEE STEALING (bleep)!

As she watched, Chloe sucked down the brew in the never-ending cup. She looked up, satisfied. "Caffeine! Now I can go find Pete and convince him to be my man-slave." She skipped toward the door just as Kathryn fully changed into Medusa.

"Wow!" Chloe yelped. "There is definitely meteor influence here. I really wish I had my laptop to do some research!"

Medusa/Janeway's eyes grew wide. "You don't think I'm scary?"

"No," the reporter returned with a grin. "I think you're cool. Will you kill Lana, just like all the other psychopaths try to do?"

Medusa slowly morphed back into her human counterpart. "I'm not allowed to kill anyone; my contract with Paramount will be cut off. It's depressing, 'cause I'm this close to throwing Neelix out an airlock. And I'm not allowed to date either; I'm lonely!" She wiped a tear from her eye.

"Me too," the blonde girl muttered. "I'm supposed to stay single and be the Single, Powerful Chick role model. I just wanna be loved!"

The crying females hugged.

* * * * * *

Lana Lame, er again, Lang gripped Whitless's arm tightly, wondering what she and her boyfriend were doing on a spaceship, instead of the Fairy Princess World they always visited in her dreams. "Save me, you big, strong jock. I'm ditzy and scared; just like I was when my parents were killed by that gigantic meteor!"

Whitless paused dramatically and said, using his best William Shatner voice, "Don't worry. You. Annoying little. Bimbo I will. Protect. You." He let her go and stepped into the darkness.

"You there!" a raging female voice shouted suddenly, making Whitless freeze in terror and pee his pants. B'Elanna Torres--the ship's half-Klingon, anal retentive engineer and the poster child for Anger Management courses--came out of the darkness. She sneered, making Whitless back against the nearest bulkhead.

"Don't kill Whitney!" Lana tearfully begged. "Then I'll have no one to listen when I whine about how Mommy and Daddy's death turned me into an ungrateful, pathetic, codependent brat!"

"You shut up!" B'Elanna hissed. "My parents are as good as dead anyway. You aren't the only one who can pity herself and become destructive because of that!" She had magically acquired a bat'leth during this time and turned it toward the shaking Lana. "I have schizophrenic tendencies, so don't do anything to piss me off, Prom Queen!"

"D-did your parents die in a meteor crash too?" the frightened girl choked out between fake sobs. "I'm so cheap and pathetic! I hope big, strong Clark gets here soon so he can save my life and I can lead him on."

There was a flash of metal and the weapon was against the girl's neck. "My parents aren't really dead, girl; but they might as well be. 'B'Elanna, I love you, but your mother is a real witch. I'm a scrawny little human and I can't handle living with a full-fledged Klingon woman!' Good riddance, Dad. I live with a scrawny, pathetic human, and we get along fine. I use him and he uses me." The metal scraped against Lana's cheek now, making her whimper. "Sound familiar?"

"Lana!" someone yelled from behind them. Both females turned around as 'Lana' was Paris's pet name for his favorite bimbo.

"Pete!" the younger one yelled back. "You're wasting your lines on poor pathetic me, aren't you?"

The boy was at her side, knocking the weapon from B'Elanna's hand. "That's what is so great about this place! There's another righteous black man, and he gets as many lines as anyone else--sure he's an alien with pointy ears, but I still get to have more lines, as long as we're here." The grin on his face faded as he grew serious. "I must save you, Lana. Granted, I don't want to because then I'll have to marry you and all; boy do I dread that. But if I let you die, Clark will get all morose on me, and I can't handle that."

Lana wrinkled her nose as Pete lifted her up. "He'll get all gross on you? Eww."

Rolling his eyes and grunting, he staggered toward the door. "Wow, Lana; Clark makes carrying you look so easy. That's what I get for warming the bench during football season."

They left Engineering and Pete set her down on the floor once again. She smiled sweetly then gasped. "Where's my wussy boyfriend? He can't stay in there by himself! He'll get killed."

Pete patted her on the shoulder. "Sometimes you just gotta let go. Fordman served his purpose--which was to be an obstacle between you and Clark. Now that Lex kissed Clark, the farm boy has no use for your airhead, cheap self."

She pouted and crossed her arms. "Why are you being mean to me? My mommy and daddy were flattened by a honking-big chunk of green rock! I don't deserve this; I'm fragile!" After a second, she added, "Lex kissed Clark, and I missed it? Dang."

* * * * * *

Freddy leered down at the ship and rubbed his burnt hands together, making himself wince. "You're brilliant, Q. I'm impressed."

The alien smirked and floated until he was standing above Freddy. "You should be. Wait until you see what I have in store now."

* * * * * *

M.B. strided down the empty corridor, shouting on the cell phone that was permanently attached to his ear. "You should have handled that months ago. Did my good-for-nothing son tell you to say that? I'm disappointed in Lex." He was so caught up in his conversation that he bumped into Nasty Nell who was rounding the corridor.

"Watch where you're going, M.B. I dated Bo Kent, and that makes me a good person."

M.B. furrowed his brow and then grabbed her. They proceeded to make out against a bulkhead when Harry Kim came out of nowhere. He stopped in front of the pair and gasped. "Wow. I've got to learn to talk to chicks."

* * * * * *

Clark blinked furiously as Seven of Nine approached him. "You're hot," he announced, drooling. Other than when he pulled the naked Victoria Hardwick from the bathtub, Seven was the closest he'd ever--and ever would--come to a naked woman. (His future wife doesn't count since he'll be too busy saving the world to remember that he's even married.)

"Physical attractiveness is irrelevant," she replied flatly. "I am willing to explore my humanity. Take off your clothes."

Clark turned his eyes to the ceiling, thinking. "You aren't Lana." He paused. "Lana. What did I ever see in her, anyway? All she ever does is whine about how her parents were turned into mush by the meteors I rode to get here! Blast, it's my fault, but for once I'm glad the Langs are dead. If they were any bit as pitiful and brainless as their daughter--where's Lex?" He marched toward the turbolift.

* * * * * *

Chloe passed the mug back to Kathryn and slumped down farther against the wall of the captain's quarters. "I mean, I try to be a good reporter, right? I might be in obsessive love with my prepubescent best friend, but is that so wrong?" She wiped away a tear and accepted the mug again, downing a huge mouthful of bitter coffee. "So maybe I ignore him and Pete sometimes, but it's my job. And Clark's only got eyes for Lana or Lex or the latest meteor rock mutant; I can never tell anymore. And Pete, well, he never gets to say much. I wish I knew what was going on in his head."

The captain slipped an arm around the girl's shoulders in a hug. She was sobbing as well. "Of course you're a good person. You're doing what you need to do. Who needs men?" She sipped some coffee gratefully. "I have a job to do on this ship, but I get lonely too! Doesn't Chakotay get that? I hate my hair; what was I thinking when I cut it? No wonder he won't look at me!"

"I'm swearing off men for good this time!" Chloe announced defiantly, her words slurred from the onset of caffeine.

"I hear you, sister."

The women high-fived then left the office, arms around each other's waists.

* * * * * *

Tom sipped the alcohol then passed the bottle to Lex. They were hanging out in the former's Grease Monkey program but, instead of drooling over all the cars, they were participating in that bizarre ritual known as 'male bonding'.

"My father," Lex choked out between gulps, "thinks I'm a freak because the meteor shower made me bald."

Tom wasn't sobbing--he was too manly for that. "You know Clark was to blame for that. But you aren't supposed to know that until you turn evil and try to kill him."

Lex gagged. "K-kill him? I could never kill Clark! He's the only one who loves me, even though Dad thinks I'm a royal screw-up. I don't wanna run LuthorCorp! I wanna take Clark and one of my billion pretentious, pointless vehicles and drive to Metropolis. I'll take over whatever Bruce Wayne owns and rule with my little mistr--I mean, my sidekick, Clark."

Tom took another gulp of alcohol. "My father thinks I'm a screw-up because I defied him; because I lied about killing somebody."

The bald man was shocked. "I do that all the time!"

"I think your dad and my dad should get together and go bowling," Tom drawled.

Lex gaped. "The Breakfast Club! Wow, I love that movie! How do you know about that?"

The pilot grinned. "I'm the Fort Knox of secrets. Don't you love the part where Judd Nelson finally makes out with Molly Ringwald? It's like a match made in Heaven."

Lex sighed, a goofy smile on his face. "Yeah. And I love the part where Ally Sheedy comes out of the room after her makeover and Emilio Estevez stares at her. I bawl my eyes out every time."

Tom nodded in agreement, pulled his new friend to his feet, and started for the holodeck door. "Have you ever seen 'Sixteen Candles'?"

* * * * * *

Clark had given up his search for Lex and retreated to the bridge, where he found everyone else. He smiled when he saw Chloe and Janeway talking animatedly, Lex and Tom hugging, and Pete, Lana, and B'Elanna discussing something intensely. Whitless was nowhere to be found, but no one cared enough to miss him. He heard someone whisper that M.B. and Nasty Nell were 'shacked up' somewhere, but he didn't know what that meant; he was too embarrassed to ask anyone, though. He thought his mommy would be able to tell him when he got home.

"Citizens of Smallville and Voyager!" A man in twentieth-century judges' robes and a burned man in a ragged, green and red sweater magically appeared in front of the group. "I am Q, and this is Freddy. I hope you enjoyed the little game we played with you."

Kathryn glowered. "Q, you moron. Why don't you bring me flowers anymore?"

Something occurred to Chloe and she squealed. "That's Freddy Krueger! He's from the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' series!" She yanked out her notebook again. "Mr. Krueger, why did you stop making movies?"

The villain rolled his eyes, exasperated. "I couldn't stand Heather Langenkamp's whining about how much she loved 'Robert Englund'. She seemed to think he was my alter ego, but come on; I have enough dignity to play myself on screen, thank you very much Just because I let him play 'Nice Freddy' in Wes Craven's New Nightmare--the only other good one in the series--everybody thinks he's always been me."

Chloe scribbled something quickly. Peeking over her shoulder, Kathryn saw the words, 'Sexy Lexy is hotter than my Clarky Pie.' The reporter glanced up again and prepared to ask another question. "Any truth to the rumors that you're going to battle Jason Voorhees from the 'Friday the 13th' series?"

"ARG!" Freddy yelled. "How many poser-reporters are going to ask me that?" He sighed dramatically. "I am not going to battle Jason; Robert's going to be doing that. There's no way I'm going to let those cretins behind Enterprise, Brannon Braga and Ron Moore, tarnish my reputation with that trashy film concept. Jason was like a brother to me, and I could never fight him."

"'cause you know he'd win," Q said through a cough. "Don't look at me like that, Burn Face. Everybody stopped talking to me, so I had to do something."

"I know how you feel," Lana quipped, forcing Q to give her his own version of the Stony Glare. Little did he know that his intended victim was an android; programmed to repeat the same basic phrases over and over again: 'I'm so pathetic'; 'My parents were killed by a meteor'; 'I'm brainless'; 'My boyfriend is a jock' and 'Clark's just a friend'.

"As I was saying," the omnipotent being boomed, finally making everyone look at him again. "I hope you liked our little game. How's this for the Grand Finale?"

The Starfleet officers and the residents of the quaint Kansas town turned and gawked at the view screen. As they stared, a giant meteor came closer and closer to the starship! "A meteor!" Harry Kim yelped, delivering his only other line.

"A meteor!" Lana fainted to the ground.

The EMH made his usual cameo appearance, bending down and checking the girl's pulse. "I'm afraid she's slipped into shock, She might be in a coma for weeks." His grave expression was lifted as his own words sunk in. "I didn't know her, but am I glad she's gone!"

After a surprised pause, the others joined in the cheering, hugging and laughing. Kathryn gave Q a passionate kiss on the lips, and Chloe threw her arms around Freddy--she swore off men, not dead meanies. "You're amazing, Q," Kathryn declared.

Pete, fully enjoying his newfound, verbal freedom, clasped Q's hand. "Man, I've gotta thank you for saving me from years of torment."

While the celebrating went on, Whitless came out of the faint that no one noticed he'd slipped into. "There's a meteor comin'-" he drawled, giving his customary 'state-the-obvious' line. Then came the impact---

* * * * * *

Whitless bolted upright in bed, drenched in sweat. "What a nightmare! No one cared that I'm a jock, or that my parents force me to actually do work in their store every afternoon. No one paid any attention to me!"

He raked his hands through his blond locks. "At least I still have my hair, unlike Luthor. That dream was Hell," he muttered.

"Maybe because you were in Hell!" Q whispered into Whitless's ear before disappearing.

* * * * * *

Freddy faced his alien companion. "You made it a happy ending! Nobody but the ditzy chick passed out. What is with that? Nothing good happened to any of the characters anyone cares about--for example, no one got their innards cut out. You suck at this stuff."

Q leered. "Of course nothing good happened; you're still in Hell."

Freddy let out a blood-curling scream as he was dropped back into the dreaded preschool setting.

"Mishtur Krueger, read me a shtory." He continued to scream as one of the children glanced up at him to reveal that she was--Lana Lang.

"Nooooo!!!"

FINIS