dear ms SR&F:

below is a snippet of real email from a woman friend of mine (although i clearly am using the word friend a bit loosely):

"and, since you've asked- i realize that i haven't been in touch- and it's not just that i've been busy, but also because- to put it bluntly-- you are a very intense person, ddub. and at times it is difficult to work more intensity into my already intense life. i already juggle a lot- a personal life, work, family, my family of friends, "extra-curriculars..." "

i have been told more often than i care to relate how 'intense' i am. apparently 'intense' is scary to women, and as a result most run screaming off into the moors to be devoured by wolves - or at least other idiot men (sometimes women).
i need assistance figuring out three things:
* exactly HOW i'm intense? no one ever seems to bother explaining that little gem to me.
* if and how can i be less intense - at least on that pivotal first impression point. consider that i have no interest in common culture whatsoever and that my repertoire of social conversation lay in esoteric spirituality, ancient religion and culture, philosophy, death, famine, war, disease vectors and other lovely, bright subjects?
* HOW THE HELL do i get a date, or at least a good female friendship in this city?

if you can help answer any one - and Ma forbid all three - of the above you will have my eternal gratitude and submission.

with a bowed head,
Mama's Rag Doll


FIXABLE REPLIES

Dear Mama's Rag Doll,
I laughed out loud as I read your letter. (Not AT you, WITH you)... If I had a buck for every time I heard the word "intense", I could retire...
As for HOW you are intense, having never met you, I can only speculate. Here goes: Your sense of humor is a bit on the dry side. The vast bulk of the population does not, and probably will not get it. They tend to think you are either making fun of them, or that you are showing off how much smarter you are than they. (But then again, I've found that using words with three or more syllables almost always has that effect.)

As for your second question, being less intense, there is really only one thing that can be done. Read up on current events, adopt middle-of-the-road positions on ALL controversial topics (so you do not alienate ANYONE), and, as a rule of thumb regarding all your religious, essoteric, philosophical, spiritual and "dark subject" oppinions and beliefs, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT! At all times. Sucks, I know... My honest-to-God advice on this one, is that you are not "too" intense, they are not intense ENOUGH. That being the case, why in God's name would you want such a small-minded, easily frightened, unevolved creature like THAT around? Can you say LOSER? I thought you could. It may take a while, but you will find people you REALLY connect with. And belive me, the kind of connection & companionship possible with other like minded people, well, just one friendship of that nature is worth a hundred friendships with people who think you are too intense. You live in The Bay Area for God's sake... Freaks abound!

How to get a date... Ah, the eternal question... I can tell you what has worked for me, but bear in mind that, A) I'm a girl, and B) I appear, at least on the outside, like a typical, straight-edge type of person. (Like if I ever got a tattoo, I would no doubt be laughed at & asked "Did your boyfriend make you do that?")... Anyway, what worked for me was just being introduced around to other people among my circle of friends. Have your friends introduce you around. Oh, and when you do FINALY meet a girl you think you really like, wait for HER to bring up the obscure facts about the black plague, and just how many different ways there WERE to torture a prisoner in the sixteenth century... You may just be surprised at the conversations started with you. (I tried this method recently. Within 24 hours, I had someone bring those subjects up with ME. In the space of a week, I had FOUR similar discussions)...

Good luck on your quest. And remember the old saying, "As soon as you stop looking, you will find it".
Fixable


SAVAGE ROSE REPLIES:

Dear MRG,
Unfortunately, I cannot hazard a guess as to what your erstwhile women friends mean when they say that you're "intense", because that might mean any number of things, depending on context, as well as on your particular character. And, as they've all been devoured by now, we can't really ask any of THEM ... so I decided to put the question to the cosmos, via a Tarot reading on your behalf, and here is what the cards told me:

Question #1: How, exactly, are you "intense"?
Answer: Ten of Wands -- this card indicates that your female friends find you oppressive; you are seen as something quite difficult to deal with, which requires a great deal of time and energy. Are you perhaps a bit obsessive when it comes to romance? It very well may be that when you're interested in a woman, your company might cease to become a pleasure, or a distraction, or an inspiration, and instead becomes another burden in an already quite burdensome existence.

Question #2: How can you become, or appear, less "intense"?

Answer: Queen of Pentacles
Try focusing less on yourself, and instead, focus on the woman in question. It may very well be that, especially when making a "first impression", you put a lot of effort into expressing/revealing yourself, in the hopes of meeting someone who will appreciate how unique you are, instead of running off and being devoured by wolves rather than even give you a try. It's almost certain that you make a point of exhibiting those qualities which you most value in yourself, such as being terribly intelligent, or possessing a quirky sense of humor, or a daring perspective on social issues, or an intransigent integrity in all of your interpersonal dealings, simply because you assume that if she's going to like you at all, it will be due to her appreciation of one or more of these good things about you.
Unfortunately, all too often, this attempt to display your best qualities will only overwhelm your companion ... and while you may be intelligent, witty, insightful, and morally upright, none of those things matter if you are nevertheless an overbearing, self-obsessed asshole. The next time you're attracted to a woman, rein yourself in a little. Don't look at your interaction as an opportunity to impress her, or to win her over, or even to find out if she likes you; instead, LISTEN TO HER. Listen to her, and express interest in what you hear; [if you DON'T find her conversation interesting, then you probably don't really want to date her, anyway.] After all, she, too wants to be appreciated for her good qualities, and therefore it's always a good idea to find out what they are, in order to better appreciate them. It doesn't matter if she doesn't find out immediately that you have an IQ of 187, or that you despise television, or that you have a secret identity as a superhero, or that you speak seventeen languages fluently or that you have a sociopathic disdain for the status quo ... relax. Those things are ONLY important if she ALREADY LIKES YOU.

Question #3: How do you go about getting a date, or at least a female friend in this city?

Answer: [3 cards] first card: Eight of Wands
This card indicates that you may have a problem getting along with, or accepting, the other people in your prospective lover's life. If you think that all of her friends are insipid morons, if you have contempt for the people she loves, you are questioning her good judgement, and if you force her -- overtly or passively -- to defend her other friendships, she will begin by questioning the value of her friendship with you. If you're jealous, simply admit the fact, apologize, and back the fuck off. Believe me, she will be very, very impressed -- not to mention grateful -- if you do.

second card: The Angel/Judgement Day
Remember, if you put a woman -- or anyone -- on a pedestal, you are denying her her humanity as surely as if you had put her in a cage, while if you acknowledge her flaws as well as her virtues, your good opinion of her will actually mean something. [Remember, acknowledging her flaws does NOT mean pointing them OUT ...] One of the major problems women have with men, is that men so often refuse -- or are unable to -- see them as they really are, as people ... not goddesses, nor children, nor a force to be placated, a prize to be won, or a problem to be solved. Also, try not to project the exhausive sum of your prior experiences with women onto the current one ... believe it or not, we are all different from one another, and seldom, if ever, react well to a statement which alludes to "women" in general, especially when it is expressed by a male.

card #3: The Knight of Swords
This one's very easy to interpret -- get up off your ass and DO SOMETHING. Get excited, inspired, stimulated, aroused by something. Stop waiting for something -- or someone -- to come along and inflame your passions; go find something you can be passionate about. I promise you this: if you succeed in becoming a person who is truly passionate about his life and the things in which he's involved, you will never again have someone call you "intense", except as the most sincere of compliments.
Good Luck,
Savage Rose



Dilemma

dear S&F
I have a dilemma. I used to have a very good friend. This friend was making a poor choice regarding love and I was aware of this. We talked openly about it, and I did my best to offer only positive feedback, without shaming or judging. For many months, I tried to support her, and she supported me in her own way. After a while, her poor choice blew up in her face. and I became the target. Somehow, it became my fault. I should say that I was a messenger of some news regarding her love interest; news that was not taken well. I considered telling her this news for a while, until I felt it necessary to share it with her. It was easy for her to blame me, rather than take accountability, or place blame where it belonged (with her love interest). It has been many years since we talked, and I miss her. I have tried to contact her, to no avail. what should I do?
mamakitty

SAVAGE ROSE REPLIES

Dear mamakitty,
I'm sorry you miss your friend... What would you say when you finally saw her for the first time in years? Would you say "I'm sorry things turned out this way, but it wasn't my fault that...", or do you want to say "I miss you."? If your motives sound more like the former, my advice would be to wait until your motives are more pure, when they are no longer about who owns the blame. If you really just want to say "I miss you", I say you should keep calling (or writing) periodically. Maybe someday she will talk to you. Remember, people evolve at different rates. She may even be waiting for you to catch up to her... Or you may have to wait for her some more. It is also possible that you two are not "destined" to be friends agian. Your paths in life may no longer be compatible; perhaps they never were. She may not be there with you, but as long as she remains in your heart, she will always be with you. If you are "destined" to be in one another's lives, you will be.
Savage Rose


FIXABLE REPLIES

Dear Mamakitty,
When you say that you have �tried to contact [your former friend], to no avail.�, do you mean that a] she still refuses to talk to you, or, b] you don�t know how to get ahold of her? And, when you say �tried�, by what methods do you mean? Realize that, in a situation such as this one, the telephone is a brutal and unforgiving instrument; if your attempts at contact have consisted mainly of voicemail messages, or, [even worse] the third-party plea �tell her to call me!!�, it�s really no wonder that you haven�t elicited a response � even email is too intimate a medium for such a delicate interaction. If you haven�t done so, get her mailing address somehow, and write her a LETTER. Tell her that you�re SORRY for hurting her [because, apparently, you DID, at least in HER [deluded-or-not] opinion], and that you miss her. Tell her WHY you miss her. Make no demands, and refrain from defending yourself. In fact, try to refrain from mentioning the incident in question at all, aside from the initial apology. [After all, it wasn�t YOUR tragedy, [although you may have been caught in the crossfire], but HERS.] Don�t ask her WHY she hasn�t spoken to you in so long � you�ve already mentioned that you know why. Just tell her what you want, and why. Then wait and see if she answers. If she doesn�t, she might someday; in the meantime, just try and let it go. If your motive is truly to regain your friend, you must become reconciled to the fact that your �friend� may no longer exist � that you may truly no longer be of value to one another, despite the justice or injustice involved in your initial estrangement.