More things have irked me than usual lately so I'm going to revert to my traditional moaning stance. I'll start off with a trivial complaint but one that deserves a mention. I can't be the only person riled by the mobile adverts with Zoe Ball and Jamie Oliver. They phone each other up only to find the other unable to make it for tea as they happen to be in New York. This has to be the most patronising, smug piece of contrived shit I've ever witnessed!! Do they actually think their vacuous chit-chat and inter-continental habitations are something common folk aspire to? Will people equate mobile phone ownership with vapid celebrity status? I fucking hope not. I look forward with pleasure to explaining to my grandchildren who these two stupid folk on Give Us A Clue are.

Villain of the month is Mr Brian Souter. He's a multi-millionaire [he owns Stagecoach bus/train company] who has taken it upon himself [and his cheque book] to attempt to pervert democracy by launching a high-profile campaign in Scotland to retain Section 28. Apart from the vile anti-homosexual sentiments being used to promote his cause, vitrually nobody has taken to task the worrying fact that a very rich man can try to manipulate government decisions with his financial muscle. He is trying to make this into a "people power" issue. What he seems to forget is that people voted New Labour - a party opposed to Section 28 - into power. There is little that can be done aside from panning his buses' windows [on evidence a 'Brian Souter: Is A Cunt' T-Shirt wouldn't change much], but if his little stunt works and his idiotic clause is retained then it will be the first time ever I feel ashamed to be Scottish. For any anti-homosexual legislation to exist after last year's attack in Soho is an insult to those who died.

On a lighter note, Oasis have been touring abroad without sole [decent] songwriter Noel Gallagher, who has had enough of his brother's steaming antics. This kind of thing is more often connected with '70s dino-metal than Mancunian indie chart stars. There was point when the only remaining original members of Black Sabbath was Tony 'The Cat' Martin. Perhaps Tony McCarrol could rejoin, and Liam could bolt, paving the way for Rick Witter to belt out Oasis classics on a tour of Belgian indie discos. Or mabe Noel will join The Gyres. Or maybe no...

WORD OF THE MONTH: Ligament

Stuart Leslie Braithwaite HND xx