All right missy, you don't have to listen if you don't want to. You can roll your eyes like you always do, just don't expect me to care when you're picking out maternity dresses and wondering if you should breastfeed or spend your allowance on formula. I know that your job in the women's department of JC Penney will provide all the money that you'll need to raise a happy and healthy child.

And don't expect your mother and I to help you out. I'm trying to do my part as a concerned parent by teaching you about sex and being sexually responsible. Remember when I showed you that porno and told you that the men weren't wearing condoms because the women were taking birth control pills? Wasn't that being a cool dad? Most parents are too uptight to have casual and open conversations about sex with their children, but not me. How many of your friends' dads gave them tips on how to give hummers so you can keep your boyfriend happy and faithful?

All I'm asking is that you let me know if you need birth control. I saw how that player on the soccer team was looking at you during the last game, I'm not stupid. He says he just wants to take you out for ice cream? That's guy double-speak for "I want to take you to an abandoned car lot and have wild monkey sex with you." How else would you know this if you didn't have a dad that cared for you and your well-being?

And we haven't even discussed the STD issue! I was just trying to tell you to make sure to carefully inspect your boyfriend's penis before you let him do anything. Syphillus is no small matter, young lady.

Come back here honey, I'm just trying to help you out! Man, kids today...