I know I just started here, and don’t know everything about writing for such a popular satire site, but what’s this deadline thing the editor keeps talking about? Apparently it’s something we’re supposed to “meet”, whatever that means. Throw me another brew, will ya?

How the hell am I supposed to write humorous article when I’m out of pot? I don’t suppose you have any, do you? Damn. Why don’t you have any? No money? You shouldn’t have spent it all on crack whores now, should’ve you?

That gets me thinking, how come you never hear about pot whores, or acid whores? Ecstasy whores would make a lot more sense, I mean they look much better than those skin-and-bones crack whores.

Anyway, so I guess I have to write a story now. What the hell could I write about, there’s really nothing to make fun of right now. Who could find anything funny to say about Bush, or how much he wants to attack Iraq? See what I mean? There’s just nothing funny going on.

I could write a follow-up article to my classic piece on how black people and white people act differently, but I think I’ll save that gold nugget for when our reader base goes above 5.

Huh? What are you yelling about? The deadline was yesterday? I was meaning to ask you, what’s this deadline thing? I’m fired? Fuck you, I quit!