After suffering an agonizingly close defeat to current President George W. Bush in the last presidential elections, Al Gore took some time away from politics to be with his family, get back to nature, and blow up like a blimp. He has announced that he plans to return to the public eye, preparing by getting back into shape.

“I’ve been getting a lot of fitness magazines lately, and I’m thinking about reading them, as opposed to using them as donut placemats. I suppose I could go on that thing called the internet, but I don’t really know how to use it that good. Bill used to tell me that he kept in shape by nailing interns, so I could try that, I guess.”

When asked for comment, Clinton immediately said, “I did not tell Al Gore that I had sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.”

Chelsea Clinton was more forthcoming, relating that she understood how hard it is to transform from a model of unattractiveness to something that people might actually consider having sex with. “It’s a hard, long rod, I mean road.” At that point, she excused herself and ran giggling from the room.

Al has hired a personal trainer, his wife Tipper, who has put him on a strict regimen of nutrition and exercise. He is only allowed to eat fast food for 4 of his 6 daily meals. On the fitness side, he had a choice between having sex with her or running. He currently runs two miles a day, finishing in just over an hour. Over the next month, Gore plans to increase his pace to finish in under 45 minutes. Always standing by her man, Tipper walks in front of Al, holding a Big Mac agonizingly close to his outreached fingers.