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Nicorette Gum Now Features Flavor Crystals - Seattle, WA In an effort to boost lagging sales, the nicotine replacement product Nicorette Gum announced that the gum will now feature flavor crystals. The idea was originally debuted to rave reviews in the popular chewing gum Icebreakers. The announcement is being seen as a “fucking great idea” by millions of Americans that are trying to quit smoking. Local quitter Sandra Billus tells us: “Wow, that’s so cool! Now I can not only get that nicotine rush that I crave, but I can probably simulate that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like a dog shit in my mouth!” Keith Chadwick, a gas station attendant, has been trying to quit unsuccessfully since the Carter administration. Having tried the patch and the pill, he says that maybe this will provide the extra boost that he needs to quit for good. “I quit for a couple days with the pill, but I couldn’t avoid the temptation for very long. Then I tried the patch, and it was kinda effective, but when you smoke three packs a day, you need a lot of stuff to supplant that craving. It got so bad that I was licking the patches when I changed them, just to get that last little drop of sweet cancerous goodness. I think Nicorette has realized that some of us hard core smokers just need a shit ton of nicotine to get us through the tough first few days without committing mass murder.” High school students are purchasing the gum, in an attempt to rebel without being too obvious about it. High school junior Jesse Kinner explains, “Billy’s dad saw him smoking and grounded him for 2 weeks or some lame shit. I still want the girls to see me as dangerous, but fuck getting grounded.” In a telephone survey, it was determined that nearly 95% of people that currently smoke are “trying to quit” or “want to quit eventually”. The other 5% (all under the age of 17) think “it’s the coolest thing ever” and “all the kids are doing it”. 
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