It was a decisive 15-0 vote by the Guilford School Board that ended the use of paper in town schools. The vote was brought about by a recent rash of paper related injuries this past month. According to unofficial statistics, at least eight students at Guilford High School have missed portions of class due to paper injuries, mostly paper cuts.

School nurse Jane Riley talked to us about the paper cut epidemic. "It almost always happens the same way. Someone takes the dangerous side of paper too lightly and they get what they deserve. Don't get me wrong, I've been safely using paper for over thirty years, but if you play with fire, you're going to get burned."

When the misuse of paper was first brought to light, many in town were concerned. Guilford High School parent Chris Lowe said that he was worried for his seventeen year old daughter's safety. "I was scared to send Jen to school. I mean guns and knives are bad, but paper is so scary because nobody sees the possibility of violence."

Another aspect of paper that scares parents is how easily it can be brought into schools. Its chemical makeup makes it impervious to metal detectors.

One question that looms in the wake of the ban on paper is the future of books. As many people know, the pages of books are constructed of paper. As MAP (Mothers Against Paper) chairperson Joanna Stamp states, books must be the next step in eliminating the paper menace. "I remember books being a useful place to find information when I was in school. Now, it seems that they have mutated into portable machines of death! One textbook, if it fell into the wrong hands, contains enough paper to wipe out an entire school. Something must be done before it is too late."

One solution that has been brought up by the school board is the use of portable Etch-a-Sketch machines to replace the old method of writing down notes in paper filled notebooks. However, this may not work, as demonstrated when sophomore Chrissy Gaffney lost her term paper when her Geo Metro hit a bump on the way to school. At press time, a solution has not been implemented, but at least we know that the good people of the Guilford School System are doing their part to keep our children safe.

Copyright The Fake News 2002. All Rights Reserved

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