Stockbroker Follows in His Grandfather's Footsteps - (New York, NY) On Friday, July 19, New York Stockbroker Jeremy Livirn became the second member of his family to leap to his death from his 60th floor office building window. Over 70 years earlier, his grandfather, Kevin Livirn leaped out of his 35th floor window following the stock market crash known as Black Friday. Co-worker Janet Graham said that Jeremy looked up to Kevin as his idol and "it's definitely fitting that he would choose to die in the brain-splattering way that his grandfather chose in 1929."
Man Changes Name to Billy Bob in Bid to Wed Jolie - (El Cajon, CA) Neil Gillies, a local 18 year old, decided on Saturday to legally change his name to Billy Bob, upon hearing that actress Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from husband Billy Bob Thorton. "Well, I know from the stories I've read that she has the name Billy Bob tattooed on her in two places. One is on her arm, and the other is on her...well, you know..", said Gillies. Gillies thinks that he can save the actress the hundreds of dollars it will take to have the tattoos removed, by meeting Jolie and sweeping her off her feet. Gillies, a 5'5" 300 pound college freshman has already sent 400 emails to the actress informing her of his plans.
New "Austin Powers" Movie Breaks Records for Unneccessary Promotion - (Los Angeles, CA) According to unofficial statistics, the upcoming movie "Austin Powers in Goldmember" is currently mentioned in one out of every three television, radio and print advertisments. Promotional deals with Pepsi and other corporate products are the highest that industry insiders can remember. A spokesperson for New Line tells us: "We feel that through the aggressive promotion of the film and its major characters, we can reach the 1% of the population that aren't familiar with the Austin Powers series, or the fact that there is a new movie in the series coming soon to theatres." Early trends indicate that the film also has a chance to break the record for "Most Annoyingly Overused Catchphrases", a record currently held by the second Powers Film: "The Spy Who Shagged Me."
Boss Actually Considers Employee's Suggestion - (Seattle, WA)
In a historic first for American companies everywhere, Innotech boss Kirk Riler actually considered a suggestion made by programmer Luke Jenkins. "Like most companies, we always made it known to our employees that their input matters," said Riler. "We have a program where the employees are encouraged to send feedback on current policies as well as ways that they think we could improve the way we do things." Last week, Riler made the bold step of actually reading some of these suggestions, and briefly considered Jenkins' request that the company make clear to the programmers exactly what the project they are working on is designed to do. After several seconds, Riler deleted the email and forgot about it. Other companies are expected to follow suit, while Intertrode Corporation Chairman Leonard Kilmer is reportedly thinking of implementing solutions suggested by his employees.
