Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet - (Bridgeport, CT)
A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.
Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.
Rescue Worker Realizes Suicidal Man Doesn’t Have Any Reason to Live - (Des Moines, IA)
In a bizarre scene yesterday afternoon, a city man jumped to his death after apparently being encouraged by rescue worker Bob Fillings. Onlookers shockingly realized that Fillings was no longer attempting to save the man, rather he was giving him tips on the most effective way to jump to ensure maximum chance of death. Fillings explains, “I know that as a rescue worker, I’m supposed to help these people. Well, I thought that the best way to help this person was to let him jump. He was a horrible father, and an inattentive husband who had just gambled away the last of his family’s life savings. I think that he was doing his family a favor by taking the easy way out. If I was his kid, I wouldn’t even go to the funeral. I do have to say, his jump technique was flawless, I’d like to think that I helped him out in that regard. But hey, I’m just doing my job.”
Author Has Poetic License Suspended - (New York, NY)
Local author Roger Berkhart had his poetic license suspended on Tuesday for a poem that he submitted to his publisher, Philip Serge. Serge explains, “I had no choice but to report Roger to the proper authorities, in this case the DRC (Department of Rhyming Couplets). Unfortunately, they agreed with me and suspended his license, in effect putting him out of a job for a year. I’m not sure if he’s been drinking again, or if it’s the coke, but he far exceeded any reasonable rhyming scheme.” The poem in question began: “Roses are Red / You’re a Crack Whore / Get on your knees / And make me a goddamn chicken sandwich”. It was downhill from there. Berkhart had this to say in his defense, “They can take my license, but they’ll never find the frog’s body. I am the enigma prince.”
David Arquette Held in Death of Carrot Top - (Los Angeles, CA)
1-800 CALL-ATT spokesman Carrot Top was shot to death late last night in a Los Angeles hotel. Former spokesperson David Arquette is being held in connection with the shooting. LAPD detective Jimmy Blitz tells us all that he can about the shooting: “There’s been a lot of bad blood between the two since Mr. Top replaced Mr. Arquette as the spokesman for the 1800-CALL-ATT spots. As everyone knows, appearances in these ads is a highly coveted opportunity, because even though nobody is known to actually like the ads, they keep making them.” Mr. Arquette released a short statement to the press consisting of one line: “Why do I care about those ads, I’m banging Courtney Cox!” More on this story as it develops.
