WTC Victims' Families Sue For A Trillion Kajillion Dollars - (New York, NY)
Families of the victims of last year's terrorist attack have decided to try and mark the anniversary of their loved one's deaths by becoming filthy, stinking rich. An anonymous plantiff in the case talked to us, under the condition that we wouldn't mention her name, which is Martha Killington. "I know that nothing I do can bring my husband back, but I figure that I can make his life dream possible, which was to own every sports team known to man. Plus, I'll still have some left over to buy several small countries, one for each child. Some people say that we're being greedy, but I don't see what's so wrong about parlaying the nations sympathy into having more money than anybody would know what to do with. Isn't that the American dream?"
Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually - (Alberdeen, WA)
Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence.
Ozzy Osbourne Speaks Out Passionately About...Something... - (London, England) Ozzy Osbourne, noted heavy metal singer and newly minted television star held a press conference on Monday, in which he talked at length about the dangers of…um…the problems with…um…ok, ok. You got us. We have no fucking idea what the hell he was talking about. All that we really know is that he must have felt very strongly about the subject he discussed, due to the fact that he swore every 3 words, as opposed to his normal quota of one profanity per 5 words. As far as we can tell this an excerpt of what he said: “[unintelligible] fuckers [unintelligible] [unintelligible] damn [unintelligible]. [unintelligible] Sharon [unintelligible] [unintelligible] wankers.”
Man Wonders: "What The Hell Happened To Christina Aguilera?" - (Atlanta, GA)
Local man George Ripley was sitting around his house the other day listening to the radio, when the song "Lady Marmalade" started to play. "I heard that song, and thought about Christina's amazing body, um, I mean vocals, and I wondered where the hell she went. She was a much better singer than Britney, I guess she just wasn't slutty enough to cut it. She tried her hardest though, you gotta give her that. Maybe she'll claim to be 1/64 French and release a record in French, or some shit like that. I hope she makes a comeback, I'd definitely buy first row tickets." Aguilera wouldn't return our calls to her office, located somewhere off the edge of the earth.
