Disgusted Man Realizes He Used To Masturbate To Anna Nicole Smith
George Loonit felt suicidal last week when he realized that the bloated, drug-addled celebrity on the Anna Nicole Smith Show was in fact the same woman that he used to masturbate to, nearly a decade earlier. "When I realized that, I just wanted to slit my wrists man, I think it will take me a long, long time to come to terms with this one. I mean, she used to be hot, like in that Naked Gun movie. What the hell did she do to herself?" Loonit planned to counter-act the mistake by finding the hottest woman he could find, and masturbating to her to even the score. We just hope for his sake that Liz Hurley never gets ugly.
New York Jets Lose To Jerry's Kids
The New York Jets, a National Football League team - at least in name - dropped a hard fought charity football game to the Jerry's Kids organization. The loss continues a horrible season for the Jets, as they've lost every game they've played so far. Coach Herm Edwards, who reportedly has a basic knowledge of the game, could not solve the complex schemes thrown at him by 12 year old Loretta Michaels, who up until two days ago had never even seen a football game. Edwards was thwarted at every turn by the crafty Michaels, controlling the game from her motorized wheelchair. Curtis Martin rushed for 125 yards, but unfortunately fumbled 5 times, each turnover resulting in a Kids' touchdown. The Jets plan to put the loss behind them and prepare for next Sunday's NFL game, in which they are 524 point underdogs.
Ed. Note - when asked for comment on this story, the Dell computer kid had this to say: "Dude, you're going to hell!"
The Fake News Publishes A Nice Family StoryHa Ha! That's a good one!
German Elections Results Are In, Americans: "So?"
The German election results were finally announced, bringing closure to the 10s of Americans that cared. The Schroeder Party...hey, where are you going? All right fine..
