Twas the Night Before Xmass:
'Twas the night before Christmas, and
God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my
wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the
phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook
or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the
nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and
reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose
such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma
went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an
elf,
Tore back the shade while she
played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the
snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up
to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes
should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight
mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out
of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his
head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as
high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it
didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,
whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll
cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and
don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I
gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the
tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw
up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard
such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied
his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my
ass,
When down the chimney Santa came
with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with
perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled
like a whore.
"That was some brothel,"
he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and
I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself
poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and
pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled
with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to
his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in
his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and
some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair
of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis
that spits.
A box filled with condoms was
Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the
edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis
extension,
And several other things that I
shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all
types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids,
Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then
I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then
took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked
under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his
feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke
wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the
reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph,
this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we
heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is
that it never wears out!"
