Take me home, daddy!
All the funnies that happened while I was in Iowa...
Jess: okay white mormon trying to be black
Jess: not good thing
Cory: me and callie have decided that you're going to spirit prison. But not to be re-educated, but to re-educate ;-)
sounds like paradise for ya to me lol
Liz: I wanna be a fat cherub!
Sister Reyes: Whose idea was it to create the world?
Liz: Travis's!
Cheesy cheesy Mormon-ads:
If at first you don't succeed, you're pretty normal.
Sharing, it's the icing on the cake.
Sometimes the most important thing you can share is yourself.
Whatever you do, just do your best.
You can never go wrong when you do what is right.
Mike: Well, Angie had to give up crack.
Angie: Yeah, now I'm down to just marijuana. After my fourth crack baby, you know...
Jess: Don't touch my jumpsuit!
Jess: Let's play 'don't touch the missionary!'
Kelly: What about that threesome on the trampoline?
Steve: That wasn't my fault!
Elder Nash: Will you live the threefold mission of the Church?
Jess: Yeah, I'll try to, as best I can.
Me: Ding ding ding, tell her what she's won, Bob!
Elder Schvaneveldt: You've won eternal life! And if you act now, you'll also receive the gift of the Holy Ghost!
Mama Hutchinson: Rachel, we only beat each other up when we don't have company!
Callie: Is the only piece of athletic equipment you own a frisbee?
Elder Schvaneveldt (looking sheepish): We found it.
Little kid at the fair, walking past the cow barn: Mom, it's like a cow FACTORY!
Courtney (trying to say "that's how you hold a horn": Yeah, since that hole you howd a horn!
Dad: You're more dyslexic than am I!
Jess: Otherwise I'm going to Canada where nothing bad ever happens!
Rachel: Stupid spoon, no one likes you!
Lyrica: They don't like mac + cheese, and that's a sin!
Callie: I am not getting back in the car until my butt stops being asleep!
Liz L (talking to her chicken-on-a-stick): Thank you, dear chicken. I'm so thankful you sacrificed your life and I kiss you. (kisses the chicken-on-a-stick).
Me: The girls were saying I'm going to make a great mom...
Steve: Yeah, people say that about me too!
Hannah: It's so pretty out!
Brother Cifuentes: I'm pretty?
Hannah: No, it's pretty out.
Brother Cifuentes: Well I'm out.
Me: You're pretty. Can we call you Brother Bonito?
Somebody who wishes to remain anonymous: What do you get when you cross a Mormon and a Mexican?
A basement full of stolen food!
Liz: I feel like I just gave birth!
Girls in the tent next to us, at 2 a.m.: Aaaah! There's a sandwich in our tent! What should we do with it? Raccoons are going to try and get in!
Very tired Sister Cifuentes: Eat it. Fast!
***
Same girls the next night, very late: Aaaah! There's a bug in our tent!!
Me: At least it's not a sandwich!
Sister Leonhart: Eat it! Fast!
Liz: I won I won I won! I have to pee.
Lara: Actually, I was lying.
Me: Well you know where liars go...
Lara: Yeah, to girls' camp!
Dad: Even decaf coffee isn't kosher. No wait...kosher is if you're Jewish. If you're Mormon it's called BORING!!
Liz: On the Little Shape top...the Little Ship...the Little Shop tape!
Mrs. Kaebisch: My costume isn't 100% authentic--I really shouldn't be wearing pants.
*Mama Lasure has just been talking about their infamous "erotic bathroom."*
Tyler: Can we please not talk about this?
Mama Hutchinson: Hey, I thought we were the only parents who did stuff like that!
*Tyler starts rocking with his hands over his ears, singing to himself while Liz runs screaming from the room.*
Dad: I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, I'm supposed to play tennis with the Mormons. I like playing with them, but I think they're trying to get me to "change teams." I tell them I'm not righteous enough to be a Mormon...if Mormons could drink beer, then maybe!
Callie: Why can't he just wake up and smell the...Becky?
Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane!
Liz on the phone with me: Give Steve a big kiss for me.
Steve (at the exact same time): Tell her she can kiss my luscious bootay!
Steve: Ali is hoochy boots!
Anne: I just wanna be anybody but here.
Steve: Anyone who sticks their hands down my pants has issues!
Dad: All the guys at BYU already have like three wives.
Me: Is this Mormon soda?
Dan's mom: (looks very, very confused)...it says it's black cherry.
Me: Green light means go!!!
Callie: Judgment day, hello!
Disgruntled Japanese Man: Mennonites rock! ...I want to persecute you, Chelsea.
Elder Beuler: Elder Whitmire, you're a poser!
Somebody in seminary: What happens if you don't have a chance to get married before you die?
Sister Reyes: Then you get hooked up in the celestial kingdom.
Julie: You will not use foodstuffs for revenge!
Liz: In addition to being a good person from now on, I'm also going to always do my laundry and keep my room clean.
Courtney: Word to your church, sista!
Me: Hello wrong side of the road, how are you doing?
Callie: There really isn't a 'right side of the road' on this road!
Me: Why do they waste all those goats on the side of the road? Think how many men could be buying wives and starting families!
Andy: So what does LSD stand for?
Callie: Stop throwing your balls!
Lindsey: I might study abroad in Madagascar.
Me: What's in Madagascar?
Lindsey: People who speak French--in the rainforest!
Callie: We are psychotic!
Me: No, I'm psychotic. You are narcotic.
Elder Whitmire: That's why you weren't a pioneer--the Lord knew that you would be afraid of the seagulls in Utah.
Veronica: If you apologize one more time, I might have to open up a can and just beat you with it!
Becky: You guys know madrigals aren't going to New York anymore, right? (*pause*) You're going to Kuwait!
Steve: I'm a lesbian.
Me: Who said this was a democracy?
Riaz: Well then what have we got, if not a democracy?
Me: Leprosy!
Liz: Aaaahhh! Big, big, lots of snow!
Callie: I don't care if he's a missionary, he's a hot, hot man!
Sister Reyes: So what ocean was that?
Liz: Mississippi!
Mr. Mason: Did I say Jewish? I meant Amish. Close enough. Same thing!
Liz: Why is the basket so high?
Cory: TROPICAL ENTS!
Me: Haha LOTR Caribbean style
Cory: Legolas has dreadlocks and speaks like a rasta
Me: sure....but nobody wants to see Gimli in swim trunks...
Cory: Liz does
Callie: Couple o' bee-hotches! Bling bling on ebay!
*Callie and I are singing a song we don't know the words to, so we're just singing "doo doo doo..."*
Mama Schmid: It's the doo doo sisters!
Me: I'll be doo doo #1 and you can be doo doo #2!
Disgruntled Japanese Man: He can't be Mormon! He's a little slut!
Me: Help! Norah turned into a disgruntled Japanese man!
Rachel: There were 5 Mormons in the science class. Chelsea got excommunicated. How many Mormons were left?
Katie: There was crack in these cupcakes or something. So that's why Maddie is how she is...this explains a lot!
Katie: Why does it taste so good?
Dad: I wore a tie this time...last time they knew I wasn't a member because I didn't wear a tie.
Gary: Maybe next time you'll even wear a white shirt!
*later*
Gary: Whatever you do, don't join this church. Sundays are brutal!
Elder Whitmire: (before Sacrament meeting) All right, you guys can sit together...but no yelling, no screaming, keep your hands and feet inside the chairs at all times!
Jonah: You have to do the dyslexic version--It's fun to stay at the A-C-M-Y!
Random girl at the dance: Hey, nice tie!
Me: Thanks, I stole it from Steve.
Random girl: Oh, is he your boyfriend?
Me: No, but he's baptizing me on Sunday.
Random girl: Congratulations! I always wanted to be a convert!
Steve, at a dance, two days before my baptism: Let's practice. Dip!
LinZ: I'm high on life...if by life you mean drugs.
Liza: The library is full of Nazis, and apparently we are all Jewish.
Kendra: I feel like sending hate mail to all professionals everywhere!
Kate: I can't wait until you're old! You're going to be the best old lady ever!
Me: I knew you would understand.
Liz: Yeah, I always do.
Me: Even when you are very drunk.
Liz: I am always very drunk, honey...drunk on the Spirit!
Ali: We can't just stand here and do nothing! (pause). We can't just stand here and do nothing! (pause). We can't just stand here and do nothing!
Enter Liz
Liz: Dammit! ...sure we can!
Norah: Oh yeah? Well I'm in a peace group, so fuck you!
Dad: Hey, you can't eat the ice cream right out of the container!
Callie and I: Yes we can!
Dad: Where did you hear that?
Me: Book of Mormon! You should read it!
Callie: Steve is like the church history goddess. god! I meant god!!!
Tyler: Your dog is like an African-American Lassie!
Justin: If you weren't Mormon, I'd bang you!
Becky: Dildo!
Kendra: Dildo's friend!
Andy: Penis!
Ali: In bed!
Ali: Wait, I'm getting old people confused!
Liza: There are more than one old-man-in-suit people. Just because you see an old guy in a suit doesn't mean it's THE old-man-in-suit guy.
Mr. Keeney: Oh my God, I'm a terrorist!
*Liz is sitting at the piano, playing the alto and soprano lines of a hymn. I'm playing the tenor line on french horn, and Steve is singing bass. Three other Hutchinson girls are running around tickling each other, and the dog is barking. Julie comes downstairs and looks at us.*
Julie: Why can't you kids be like normal children? Go get some booze!
Becky: Keeney's all about the dildo. You can't go wrong with dildo!
Bridget: QUICK! Say dry water!
Me: Dry water! Why?
Bridget: Now you're an oxyMORMON!
Liz: ...exaltation, and stuff.
Callie: Uh-oh, she's having a siezure! Oh wait, she's just feeling the Spirit.
Liz: (talking to the dog) Bailey, those are servants of the Lord! Watch your mouth!
Elder Whitmier: Would you like us to wash the dishes for you?
Gary: No, that's all right.
Elder Whitmier: Are you sure? Because we'd love to wash the dishes.
Callie: I wish I had a video camera so I could show this to your parents!
Me: Crap, we lost the son of God!
Callie: You dropped your chapstick.
Elder Whitmier: (Picking up purple sparkly chapstick) That is not mine!
Gabe: Well that's what Mason taught us!
Kaebisch: Yeah, and he's always right.
Kate: Your hair is probably so confused right now! It's never really seen a curling iron before...it's like 'what the mofo?'
Kendra: Look at you, you have boobs! You know, you should accentuate those as often as possible.
Kate: I can't really follow the speed limit either, so if we get pulled over I'm sorry!
Gwen: If I were God, I would sit up in a tree and watch all the people and be like 'hehe, look how stupid they are!' I'd be the leaf-wearing, squirrel-loving, tree-hugging God!
Gwen: ...he was the most cocky person you've ever met...outside the trumpet section.
Becky: You know what I was thinking about while I was playing my audition? Cows and pancakes!
Me: Excuse me, my foot was there first, boy!
Steve: Excuse me. How old are you?
Me: 17.
Steve: How old am I?
Me: 18...
Steve: Whose foot was there first!
Somebody on Norse Star: What? You're a Mormon!
Me: Well, not yet...
Lots of random people: No! Don't do it!
(Insert long, involved argument here)
Ben: Okay, you can be Mormon, but you can't change. Because if you do, I'll have to take this baseball bat and write "Crazy Chelsea Mormon-beating stick" on it!
Ben: No more Walking Sunshine Band for you!
Me: Don't you think these mugs are ugly?
Steve: Ooh, it's a beer mug!
Steve: I was watching the history channel or something and I found out that the going rate for a woman is like 300 cows!
***later that day, in the middle of a conversation at the dinner table***
Me: Did you know that the going rate for a woman is 300 cows?
Dad: Hey, that's not bad! I'd buy a whole herd!
Dad: I don't think I could be a Mormon. I think I would perish.
Liz: My name is Elizabeth Jeanette Isabella Hutchinson...and I have red hair at the moment.
Steve: Twinkies never die!
Becky: I think I contracted anal warts! They're simply huge!
Liz: Get the preacher's head out of my shirt!
Okoboj1: hey look...not only did i get frightened by the blue screen of death...but i felll down the stairs too....
Okoboj1: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...not the blue screen of death!
Me: Steve, how many cows would you pay for Becky?
Steve: Oh, twenty-eight! And a half!
(Watching "The Worth of Souls")
Callie: I love how they put a haze around the screen to make her look more beautiful.
Steve: It was the 60's/70's, everything had a haze around it!
AvatarSquadron: Although... for some wierd reason i started to tear During Two Tower When the Riders of Rohan Came to save Helms deep... all 2,000 of em running over the hill
AvatarSquadron: maybe it was the beauty... maybe it was cause i knew the orcs were about to make Horsecabobs
Dad: We went to Mormon church last Sunday, and Chelsea's friend Liz warned us that there might be crazy Mormon words to the hymns.
Jessica: Mormons have their own language? (*pause*) Oh, they're the ones that speak in tongues or something, right?
Dad (talking about one of my friends): So is that guy her dad, or her stepdad?
Me: Stepdad.
Julia: Are they Mormons?
Me: No.
Julia: Are you sure? Maybe they're closet Mormons!
Me: ...oh. Just kidding, I made that up.
Dad: You lie! You lie, and you read the Book of Mormon! You're in the fast lane to...
Me: Spirit prison?
Steve (while sitting at head table with a video camera): Do you think they had these back in that time period?
Anne (In an English accent): Probably not, m'lord Steven. How does it work? Enlighten me!
Steve: NOSE HAIRS!!!
Lindsey: Did I tell you about how I woke up and fell down the stairs? ...I can't walk, and I can't talk, but I can play the drums, and that takes more coordination than the other two put together!
(In the middle of a very involved conversation about repenting for one's sins)
Callie: Since when do we have squirrels?
Me: Are they albino squirrels?
Callie: They're ugly frickin squirrels! They look like wolves!
"And my father dwelt in a tent." -1 Nephi 2:15
Me and Liz: NEEEE-THUURRRRR!!
Steve and Chad: WeepOMyeeenEyeeeeees! ISwellSoHieeeee!
Dad: Before we go to Mormon church, do they do any crazy, weird stuff we should know about?
Me: Well, they drink the blood of virgins for communion...other than that, no.
Random Mormon: Some people think that all of the Jews should just go back to their homeland.
Different random Mormon: Well, I don't see why they don't.
Liz: Should we all move to Utah then?
Callie: ...it was national drunk driving week.
Me: National drunk driving week? (*laughter*) If you're not drunk, get off the road!
Becky (to Ben): Get your fingers out of my pants!
Steve: A toast to candles! May they ever burn, but not burn us.
Callie: OW! I burned myself...
Liza: My hair is a piece of goddamn bitch!
Kate: Fuck you, Christmas!
Marley: (singing) This is a book about YAMS!
Chad: (singing) And the first tree in the green wood, it was the cheese-cake...
Rebecca: You piece of...stupid!
Steve: Think happy thoughts, like cheese!
Jess: My mom is gayer than your mom!
Me: My mambo is gayer than your mambo!
Mama Folley: (singing) Gay boys gay boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you...
ASingingPixie: unpleasant people should not ever be in the same room with me, because they become more unpleasant...they can't handle the way I tend to exude cheerfulness
WindMyth19: ::grins:: Unpleasant people should never be in the same room with me...they can't handle the way I attack their egos and tend to break bones
A fabulous little poem I found on www.hornplayer.net:
To many folk the horn's a mystery,
Even to the players, but here's some history:
For by some evolutionary accident
The French horn is a victim of its own development.
Before the valve the horn had lots of crooks,
Those curly bits that you sometimes see in books,
And if the music called for Horn in D
You took one out and stuck another in to change the key.
But ever since the valve's invention
The horn player's stuck with the old convention.
The old music puts him in a strange position
Struggling with the evil thing called transposition.
So if the note as written is an A
That's not the note that the hornist will play.
(They seldom play what's written anyway,
But that's beside the point that I am making here today).
Suppose the music calls for horn in G
Transpose up a tone, so that A becomes a B,
But since the horn's in F, not concert C,
The A becomes a B that sounds as E, don't you see?
So conductors and players do not be bemused
If sometimes that horn players look a bit confused.
Spare them a thought, in their struggle diligent
With the toils and snares inherent in their chosen instrument.
Dad: So do Mormons have a pastor, or like a prophet?
Julia (my cousin): Oh, they're a non-prophet organization.
Liza: Damn choir kids. They're always like 'let's go get drunk and sing Mozart like ahrhhrrhrhrrr!'
Me: What? An eccentric theatre person? WHOAH!!!
Gabe: I've been warm and then cold all day today.
J-Flo: Okay, you're going through menopause. Now can we get back to learning about chords?
Justin: I need my circle of fifths.
J-Flo: You're clinging to it like a drug!
Emily: (something in French).
Me: What?
Emily: (same thing...in French).
Me: Yeah, what does that mean?
Emily: You are a big penis.
Me: And why are you calling me a big penis?
Emily: Because...I was just playing with you. EEWWW did you hear what I just said?
Eric-It's a D...sharp. (pause) Regular.
Anne: Yeah, it's definitely not that cold out here when you actually have clothes on.
Mr. Casey: You guys, that was bad ass!
Anne (at 4:30 a.m.): Stupid meteor showers.
Becky: When you go poop, you don't go doom doom. You don't say 'I have to go doom doom, mommy!' Don't make fun of me!
Emily: Chelsea is bad for my life!
Jess: Fucky fucky.
NIU director (to the audience): ...so get your groove on!
Me: I don't have a groove. I'm whiter than a Folley!
Me: Come on Liz, I'll buy you a martini. Uh...a Mormon martini.
Ali: Yeah, water and an olive...but the olive's pushing it!
Emily: My sister has such a temper...(huge BANG upstairs)...and a broken door.
Katie H: Our class is 95% ho's.
Allie: My mom couldn't even watch Crucible because it was too upsetting for her to see a guy hold my hand.
Emily: Are you a Mormon?
Mrs. Kaebisch: Eric, will you please grab Gabe's butt?
Mr. Casey: Katie, where's the part where he asks if he can touch you?
Becky: If you have to drop ass, please drop it out the window! Seriously, if I smell ass one more time I'm going to...die.
Dan: Come sit on my lap, we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
Becky: Get the book of goddamned Bible out of my bed! It went up my anus that time!
Tyler: Hey, my crotch is supposed to be where Anne's face is right now!
Chad (really loudly at Callie's house): So Callie, did you ever get rid of those condoms in your trunk?
Callie then proceeds to turn bright red, fall off the piano bench, and lie face down on the floor.
"thats not where it goes!" - chelsea to alec
Liza: ...thats why i love being an alto... although we're underappreciated... without us there is nothing beautiful in a song
Fuzzy: I have so much ghetto-fabulous bling bling on my lips!
Bridget: I'm so shiny! I feel like a toaster!
Mr. Casey: Reverb? That don't smell like reverb...
Becky: That's not reverb, that's urine!
Laura: Any flat key is nice...except, like...a lot of them.
Kaebisch: So to make it augmented, you just big it.
Me: Who you callin' a bigot?
Kaebisch: I mean...make it bigger.
Lindsey: read for AP lit??? Whaaa???
Lindsey: you don't have to read for that class
Beka: YOU JUST SHOT CHESLA????
Lindsey: she told me to...and since she is now god, what was i supposed to do??
Beka: Well, now she's dead
Beka: Way to go...you killed god.
Lindsey: no..it was a water gun
Beka: Ah...
Lindsey: i just splashed god
Me: How'd you get such a fine booty?
Steve: It's called fudge!
Liz: I'm a Mormon. I'm not going to have sex until-
Tyler: You're dead!
Tyler: ...kissing the girlfriend's dentist!
ALTOS AND TENORS--HOLD YOUR DONGS!
Mr. Mason: Alan Stahl has the biggest hot dogs I've ever seen!
Gabe: Where's home skillet today?
Kaebisch: Actually she's making illegal copies for me right now.
Mrs. Kaebisch: Holy cow, there is no key of G# major is there?
Mr. Casey: It's just the crystal meth talking.
Julie H: Isn't French such a stupid language? I swear a bunch of people were drunk and decided to invent a language and make it as complicated as possible so nobody else could understand it. I mean why the hell, excuse my French, but WHY would you spell it that way?
Koehler: Mr. Mason, could you please darken your tone on the cymbals?
Becky: Stock market my ass!
Steve: Oh I'll stock market your ass!
Chelsea: (types 'travelling' in to google)
Kate: There's only one l.
Chelsea: Oops. (changes it to 'traveling') Hey look! CNN spelled it wrong too! Now I don't feel quite so stupid.
Me: you watch destinos in your spare time don't you?
Beka: Oh, I have them all downloaded on my computer
Beka: I watch them at midnight...secretly
Becky: Callie was watching porn! And it wasn't Mormon porn, it was good old fashioned LUTHERAN porn!
Lindsey: yeah - the guys just were in the freshman showcase - picture rob as a squirrel....if nothing else will make you laugh, that should
Becky: Somebody come push me on the goddamn merry-go-thingy!
Me: I lost about a major fourth on my low range
Liza: how can you lose shit like that?
Me: maybe I should get it one of those keychains that beep
Liza: im sure its with the remote somewhere
Liza: and like, 749 of my lighters.
Ben Z: And I can get off any time I need to...
Norah: Our school looks like a freakin' Easter egg!
Gabe: Kaebisch is a goddess.
Kaebisch: It's about time you realized that!
Becky: You guys, I feel out of place. I feel...over there.
Ali: Are you guys gonna have a jack-off party?
Lindsey: NOOOOOOOO don't turn to the dark side...you poor underprivilage young thing....
Lindsey: not windensemble!!! (although it was fun once in a while)
Mrs. Kaebisch: There are 88 keys on a piano. So how many octaves is that?
Justin: Two!
Gabe: I think we have an incompetent teacher!
Mrs. Kaebisch: You wanna fight?!
