Pregame
1:37 pm: Fans are circling Joe Louis Arena like groupies trying to get into Justin Timberlake's pants. Oh, wait, that's what they're trying to do. Predictably, most fans are wearing one of two jerseys. Theres no way you can guess which jerseys, right? It seems to be running 2-to-1 in favor of assorted Red Wings jerseys to JT's No. 1 1/2. Hey, what'd you expect playing in Hockeytown? Sorry, Justin.
WEG President Johnny Wright just finished his press conference sort of a State of the Sparkly. The highlights were that Justin still doesn't want to get back together with the group, but Wright guaranteed that Justin would continue to do Challenge every summer "for the fans." He means, for the preservation of his image with the fans.
There was nothing anyone could do according to Wright about the conflict between Jive Records and JC Chasez, resulting in a parting of ways. Word to Jive, maybe you should've stopped looking at Justin Timberlake as a cash cow and recognize the real talent in front of you. Yeah, we said it.
The technical term Wright used for the clothing that "accidentally flies off" the fans and onto the ice was "a wardrobe malfunction." Advice to Johnny: Fire the PR person who coined that term. It's just stupid. We didn't just "accidentally" throw our bras at JC Chasez and Chris Kirkpatrick.
There's talk of where to hold the next Challenge, as well as which sport to play. Wright mentioned L.A., Virginia Beach, South Padre Island, and Myrtle Beach. So basically, spring break destinations with drunk, half-nekkid women. We reiterate: Clothing does not "accidentally" come off.
3:02: Live from the Joe, where we're embedded for the night, it's beginning to feel like a family reunion an hour before face-off. After watching the shootaround [skatearound?] we've passed BOFF, Mommy Crunkness and Scary Guy.
There also seems to be about 150 billion stars warming up in the walkway by bouncing basketballs, yelling, riding scooters, yelling, wrestling each other, yelling and dodging food carts [except Joey] and reporters [except Justin]. Remember that stupid skit on the No Strings Attached Tour, where the guys go backstage to their quick-change room, and it's full of clowns and monkeys and stuff? That would be the picture of normality compared to all this.
3:10: Bad omen for the Knights as goaltender Joey Fatone leads them out on the ice and trips near the gate due to an extraneous bra hitting him in the face. We're calling it right now: Daze got this game. OZZIE! OZZIE!
3:14: The undergarments are cleared off the ice and Trace initiates the opening twirl. You go Scraggles! Twirl those panties, yeah baby! Woo! *falls over laughing*
First period
3:17: Henrik Zetterberg wins the opening face-off. Okay, don't count the Knights out yet.
3:22: Shannon Elizabeth commits a turnover when Chris Kirkpatrick whizzes by and pokes it away from her. "You're a girl! And you're SLOW!"
3:24: Shannon is wheezing and passed out on the bench, thus replaced by Chris Chelios. Maybe the oldest player in the NHL could've substituted for her on Dancing with the Stars. One word: Stamina.
3:28: Kirkpatrick gets the first penalty of the game for tripping Justin Timberlake.
3:29: Thirty-three seconds in, Lance Bass scores a power play goal. Fatone, mistaking the puck for a cheeseburger wait, it is a cheeseburger! moved out of the way and allowed it in. Joey: "I refuse to waste quality Grade A beef!"
3:31: Right before winning the face-off at center ice, JC Chasez berates Fatone: "You let BASS score?!" Fatone: "I'm hungry!"
3:34: Donald Faison is assessed a penalty for slashing. Apparently, he took exception to Timberlake shoving him out of the way in order to look at his reflection in the glass and adjust his helmet.
3:36: Chelios picks up the puck, races into the Knight's zone, dances around Kirkpatrick, goes behind the net and flips a backhand between Fatone and the near post for the Daze's second power play goal. Chelios: "Sorry, old man."
3:37: Kirkpatrick: "I got your old man right here!" He and Chelios proceed to drop the gloves and knock each other around.
3:42: With the third Knight [Kirkpatrick] being sent off for a penalty, they dodge a bullet when Pavel Datzyuk's stick breaks and Timberlake almost stuffs it in. Another power play killed. Aren't Chasez and Kirkpatrick sick of Timberlake winning already? Sheesh. On the other hand: OZZIE! OZZIE!
First Intermission: Knights 0, Daze 2
Second period
4:18: Timberlake goes off for high sticking. Kirkpatrick, gleefully: "Pretty boy's trapped in the box!"
4:19: Wade Robson, commentating for the local broadcast, sticks the microphone in Timberlake's face while he's in the penalty box. Timberlake rips it off the long stick, looks into Steve Fatone's camera and mutters, "NO COMMENT."
4:24: Kirkpatrick flips over Timberlake and hollers "I'm getting too old for this shiiiiit," like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon. Kirkpatrick is only 5'7" but he brings a lot of fire. GO LITTLEFOOT!ฎ
4:31: Chants of "OZZIE! OZZIE!" begin after Chris Osgood stops another shot by Chasez. This is exactly why Kim "accidentally" brought extra bras to throw. Liv is withholding her room key until Chasez scores a goal.
4:37: Kirkpatrick scores the Knight's first goal! Kirkpatrick can thank Zetterberg, who had Osgood and Timberlake preoccupied on the left side of the crease.
4:38: Kim "accidentally" throws an extra bra on the ice. Timberlake picks it up and flashes his 1000-watt smile. Kim: "Not you, goatbag! It's for the Great & Powerful Oz!"
4:41: Just a random thought as Timberlake pouts during the face-off. We still can't believe Justin is a hockey player in The Love Guru. We know hockey and we're not convinced. But we'll watch it just because we know he stuffed his Speedo and looks like a 70's porn star...which amuses us greatly. And we can't wait to hear his atrocious French Canadian accent. There, we plugged the guy. See, we don't hate him...a lot.
Second Intermission: Knights 1, Daze 2
Third period
5:11: Kirkpatrick strikes again! Knights and Daze are all tied-up with 2 goals each. After Kirkpatrick crashes Timberlake into the boards, he steals the puck and backhands a shot from point-blank range past Osgood. We knew it! Chris really is sick of Justin winning all the time. Don't repress it, man! Express it!
5:12: Mommy Crunkness jumps out of her chair behind the bench and yells, "Penalty! They aren't supposed to win!" We cannot print her exact quote due to the nature of her words. Sorry. We are a somewhat family-friendly website.
5:14: Mommy Crunkness turns her anger toward the goalie. Osgood: "I ain't getting knocked out for charity, lady. This ain't the Stanley Cup Finals! Your son needs to buck up and take it like a man! It's hockey, not a beauty pageant!" Timberlake: "Hey, I won one of those!" Bass: "Oh, oh! I wanna learn how to fight!"
5:16: Chelios shows Bass the ropes near the bench. Chelios: "Stick. *throws down stick* Gloves. *pulls off gloves* Shirt. *grabs Lance's neck, pulling him forward and pulling the shirt up over his helmet*" Lance repeats, practicing on Timberlake.
5:25: Another random, random, random...thought! As Fatone stops another shot attempt by the Daze, we'd like to give props to him for maintaining his post-DwtS body. *wolf whistle* The man slimmed down like a champ and haters can no longer nickname him "Big Fat Goalie" or something. Shoutout to Kym Johnson!
5:31: More random thoughts: Datsyuk and Zetterberg are rock stars. Just thought we'd throw that out there for the Red Wings fans. I mean, if youre going to have a charity hockey game, you gotta have it in Detroit. But you'd think the Knights would be winning, what with the Euro Twins on your team. Geez.
5:37: Chasez goes off for interference! What the hell, refs? Let 'em play! *censors Liv's remarks* Nice dive by Faison to get the puck out of the zone. Phew!
5:39: Zetterberg scores a short-hander, with an assists from Datsyuk, to put the Knights up, 3-2! See? Euro Twins = Rock Stars.
5:47: We spoke too soon about the Knights as Chelios scores a power-play goal. Knights and Daze are tied with three goals each. But woot for shootouts!
End Regulation: Knights 3, Daze 3
Shootout
5:50: Knights select Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, and JC Chasez for the shootout.
5:51: Daze naturally select Chris Chelios and Mikael Samuelsson for the shootout, but can't decide on another player. Justin Timberlake seems like the obvious choice, but after the pouting he did earlier, the rest of the team is nominating Lance Bass.
5:52: Apollo Anton Ohono, though having a quiet game thus far, volunteers. Looks like he wants to try and beat Fatone again. The rest of the Daze, Timberlake included, agrees. Bass looks sad. We still love you Lanth!
5:55: Joey Fatone yells "KICK SAVE!" but Samuelsson scores on him anyway.
5:57: Datsyuk fakes and backhands a shot past Chris Osgood.
6:00: Fatone yells "GLOVE SAVE!" but Chelios scores on him anyway.
6:02: Zetterberg fires another shot past Osgood.
6:04: Fatone yells "STICK SAVE!" and actually stonewalls Ohono! Fatone, dancing: "AND CLOSE WITH THE MATRIX!" Kirkpatrick: "That's MY line!"
6:07: Chasez chips in a shot over Osgood's shoulder. The Knights win! They actually win! And the bras and panties go flying!
6:08: Liv's room key hits Chasez in the head, just after he removes his helmet. He randomly yells, "TWO STEP!"
6:10: Steve Fatone zooms in on Justin Timberlake looking as if he's about to cry. Wade Robson, standing next to him grinning into the camera: "Smile, JT! It's for charity!"
Final: Knights 4, Daze 3 (SO)
Postgame
6:21: Wade Robson, interviewing JC Chasez, asks about their come-from-behind win. Chasez: "THERE IS NO 'I' IN *NSYNC!" Somebody should've told Justin.
6:25: Joey Fatone has stripped off his gear and is au naturale, knowing the lady reporters would come into the locker room for interviews. Steve Fatone, behind the camera: "Oh God, somebody cover The Fat One NOW!"
6:28: Robson, sticking the mic in front of Chris Kirkpatrick: "What do you think of your goalie's performance in the shootout?" Kirkpatrick: "Joey takes practice seriously. During the skatearound he was shouting 'STICK SAVE! GLOVE SAVE! KICK SAVE!' He got hit in the head with a lot of pucks." Hmmm, goalies do take a lot of shots...which would explain a lot. [ie: "Actually" and "Hopefully...hope."]
6:31: Kirkpatrick holds up a bra and asks if it belongs to either of us. Liv's eyes shift from her chest to Kim's purse, which has a bra strap sticking out of it.
6:32: Chasez overhears Kirkpatrick, holds up a room key and asks if it belongs to either of us. Kim shifts her eyes toward Liv and discreetly points at her while she tucks in the bra strap that's sticking out of her purse.
6:37: Lance Bass is already showered and dressed in his suit, addressing the media. We ask about the cheeseburger goal. How did he smuggle it in? Bass: "The name's Bass. Lance Bass. I have my ways. I knew he'd be unable to resist it!"
6:41: Justin Timberlake is sitting at his stall, boasting about the amount of money they raised for CFTC. Conveniently, he fails to mention the score or the amount of crying he did.
Oh, how we've missed Challenge!