Liv: I hate prom season! [laughs] It just reminds me that I don't get to do that fun stuff anymore.
Lux: [laughs] Well it ain't fun when you can't find a dress!
Liv: We just need to keep looking.
Lux: Ha! How about I need an idea. I had the world's perfect gown. I had "the one"..."the dress"...but oops! Too bad it was LAST spring's model so they don't make it anymore. Now they make BUFUGLY dresses with American Flags on them. I love our country but F$%# that!
Liv: [shocked] Whoa.
Lux: Exactly. I've now resorted to going to wedding sites and looking at bride's maids dresses. [le sigh]
Liv: Where did you see that dress?
Lux: It was by Faviana, and there's one left at the Willow Tree. Too bad it's 2 sizes 2 small and in Pepto Bismol frackin pink. I talked directly to the designer...they don't have it and they won't gimme the pattern. Bastards.
Liv: Son of a bitch! [laughs]
Lux: Exactly...who do those mo-fos think they are? Vera mofriggin Wang or sumpthin?! [Olivia laughs] Although I AM saving up my $$ now because I want a Vera Wang wedding gown. Her designs are so beautiful.
Liv: I know girl!
Lux: And also like $150 billion...which I have not.
Liv: Do you think Jayce will chip in for my wedding gown? I think I've about drained all my savings for college. [Lucky laughs] Well...he has the funds!
Just then, they spotted Chris and Jayce. Chris handed Lucky a bouquet of roses, and Jayce simply gave Olivia a kiss on the cheek.
Chris: Happy Valentine's Day! How's the hunt been going?
Liv: No luck...but Lucky decided that she's gonna start saving her money for a Vera Wang wedding dress. [turns to Jayce] When we get married, will you get me a Vera Wang design?
JC: WHAT?! Those cost more than a Happy Meal or even 3 visits to Jerome!!! [begins to spaz]
Lux: Chris, get the gun.
Liv: But I don't have that kind of money! I'm finishing school and have just started job hunting! [Jayce continues to freak out and Olivia starts to cry] I just want our wedding to be perfect! I LOVE YOU! [sobs]
Just then Chris returned with the tranquilizer gun...and in one swift BANG Jayce's out like a light. Still sobbing, Olivia stared down at Jayce, now lying in a heap with a puddle of drool on the mall floor.
Chris: [picks up Jayce's arms] Baby, pick up his legs.
They carried him out of the mall. Olivia opened the door, and they propped him up and strapped him into the backseat. They drove to Chilis to get lunch.
Chris: [looks across the table at Olivia; she still looks upset] Don't worry Liv, I'll pay for your dress. And I'll be Lucky's date!
Lux: Score!
Liv: I appreciate the offer, Chris...but Josh should be the one happy to oblige.
Lux: Well he's "tight with his money" so your asses might just hit Vegas in jeans and fur.
JC: [mumbles groggily] Damn straight.
Liv: What?
At that moment the waitress came by with four doggie bags and a very elaborately decorated pina colada. Jayce took it from her and set it in front of Olivia. She scowled and looked at the drink. There was a pineapple slice, cherries, an umbrella and...
Liv: [gasps] Oh...my...god!
JC: Happy Valentine's Day! [Olivia picks up the platinum engagement ring, and violently throws her arms around a still semi-tranquilized Jayce] Now isn't that better than a Vera design? So do you still want the dress or tonight in Vegas?
Liv: Tonight? [notices the card attached to her bag of baby back ribs]
Lux: [finds the same cards stapled to her and Chris' orders] Plane tickets to Vegas!
JC: We need witnesses, ya know! [stands and picks up Olivia, throwing her over his shoulder]
Lux: [grabs the bags of ribs] SCORE! JAYCE ACTUALLY SPENT SOME MONEY!
Chris: We're going Vegas baby! Vegas! [as he does the cabbage patch]
Lux: Go Chris! Go Chris! Do your thing!
Chris & JC: [sings] DO YOUR THIIIIING...
They drove to Metro Airport, quickly got past security, and caught the plane just in time. Riprock and AG met them when they arrived in Vegas.
Liv: What are you guys doing here?
Riprock: We're the best men.
JC: Cuz I used to live with them.
AG: You guys better hurry up or you'll miss your own wedding.
Riprock and AG lead them to the limo, and they cruised the strip until they came to the wedding chapel. They went through the technicalities of the marriage license, then Riprock handed JC and Olivia each a garment bag, and Lucky ushered Olivia into the ladies room.
Liv: I gave up a Vera design for THIS? [emerges wearing hip hugger jeans and a cheetah-print, short sleeve top]
Lux: What did you expect from the man who proposed at Chili's? At least you got a stellar ring out of the tightwad!
Riprock: You guys ready? We have seven minutes to finish the ceremony before the next couple gets married. [hands Olivia and Lucky each a bouquet of flowers, then takes Olivia's arm]
Liv: What the hell are you doing?
Riprock: Giving you away, silly. Lucky is your bridesmaid, and she and Chris are your witnesses. AG and I can't sign papers cuz we're Canadian.
Lux: Yay!
The refrains of the wedding march began, and Olivia noticed that a Richard Marx look-alike was playing the piano. Chris and Lucky hustle soul train-style down the aisle.
Chris: Hip hop hooray! Hooooo!
Lux: Hay! Do the humpty-hump!
Riprock pulled Olivia down the aisle to where Jayce stood dressed in ripped jeans, a pink t-shirt, and a fur trimmed jacket circa VMA2000. Jayce grabbed her hand and Riprock took his place next to AG. The Sting look-alike began the ceremony.
Sting: Hi! We're gathered here today to join these two in marriage. If there's anyone here who's got reason why they shouldn't be married...
Riprock: Nope.
AG: [shakes head] Nuh-uh.
Chris: Well...this one time...
Lux: [smacks him in the head] No objection here.
Sting: Mmmkay then. [checks his watch] If we could have the rings please. [AG gives him the rings; he gives one to Jayce] Please repeat after me: I, Joshua...
JC: I, Joshua...
Sting: Will take you, Olivia...
JC: Will take you, Olivia...
Sting: In my arms, and hold you right where you belong. 'Til the day my life is through, this I promise you. [Jayce makes his vow; Sting gives Olivia the other ring] You know the drill: I, Olivia...
Liv: I, Olivia...take you, Joshua... [recites the entire vow, Riprock & AG sobbing]
Sting: By the rights instilled in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Go ahead and make out, then get the hell outta here, cuz you're time's up.
JC kissed Olivia then swept her into his arms, and in true cheetah-beast fashion, ran up the aisle.
JC: [growls] We're heading to the jungle room, baby.
Liv: [squeals] YAY BUDDY!®
At the same time, Richard Marx played the piano as Sting belted out "Every Breath You Take."
Sting: [with that creepy stare] Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you...
Riprock & AG: [shouts] THIS IS THE REMIX!
Chris: WHOOOOO! [he and Lucky do the cha cha slide up the aisle]
Lux: Right foot now! One hop!
JC: [yells in background] TWO STEP!
Sting: Alright, NEXT! [looks around] NEXT! Who's turn is it to get hitched? [eyes Riprock & AG]
Chris: [from back of the room] Oooooh, oooooh! Pick us! We'll get married!
Sting: Do you have witnesses?
Chris: Riprock and AG can do it!
Lux: They're Canadian!
Chris: [spots Wayne Newton and Elvis look-alikes standing outside] Hey Elvis, Wayne! Do me a favor man!
Lux: [looks at Elvis] Hey, no offense, but Britney looked better in that suit. White is SO not your color.
Chris negotiated with Wayne and Elvis, who swapped clothes with him. Riprock and AG traded roles, with AG giving Lucky away. When everything was settled, the process began again.
Riprock and Chris stood up front with Sting. And as Richard played the wedding march, Elvis and Wayne danced down the aisle first. Then AG waltzed Lucky up the aisle.
Sting: [memorized dialogue] Hi! We're gathered here today to join these two in marriage. If there's anyone here who's got reason why they shouldn't be married...
AG: Nope.
Riprock: [shakes head] Nuh-uh.
Elvis: No, babay.
Wayne: None.
Sting: Alrighty then. The rings please? [Riprock hands him the rings; gives one to Chris] We have different vows for you: Wise men say, only fools rush in...
Chris: Wise men say, only fools rush in...
Sting: But I, Christopher, can't help falling in love with you, Jennifer. [Chris recites the vow; Sting hands Lucky the other ring] Repeat...
Lux: Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I, Jennifer, can't help falling in love with you, Christopher. [Riprock and AG are bawling]
Sting: By the rights instilled in me by the state of Nevada, you guys are married too.
Chris: WHOOOOO! We got married in Vegas! [sings and thrusts in the Elvis suit] VIVAAAAA LAS VEGAS!
Lucky: Oh, shaddup! [roughly kisses Chris]
Richard Marx played "Viva Las Vegas" as Elvis sang, and Chris and Lucky skipped up the aisle. Riprock and AG, having had so much fun marrying off JC and Chris, decided to go home and find the other guys. It was the best Valentine's Day they'd ever spent...and the wildest night Jayce & Olivia, and Chris & Lucky ever had. [wink wink, nudge nudge]