Jokes Archive 2003
Proceed to my new site for more laughs
Week starting 28 September 03
|
| The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "It's my last day."
|
|
Week starting 21 September 03
|
| A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.
"You're coming empty handed?" the grandmother asked.
|
|
Week starting 14 September 03
|
| Mother decided that 10-year-old Jennie should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?", Mother suggested. Jennie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Jennie was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
|
|
Week starting 07 September 03
|
| A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
|
|
Week starting 31 August 03
|
| The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate. The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"
The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!" Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left. The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement. "Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?"
"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."
|
|
Week starting 24 August 03
|
| A man took his son fishing one day. After a few hours in the boat with not much to do, the son started asking his father some questions. "How does the boat float?" he asked.
The man thought about the question for a moment, then said, "I don't really know, son."
"Well, how do fish breathe underwater?" the boy asked.
The man scratched his head. "I guess I don't know the answer to that one either."
"Why is the sky blue?" the boy persisted.
The father replied, "I really don't know son."
The boy started to worry that his father was getting upset at all the questions. "Do you mind me asking questions, Dad?"
His father immediately reassured him, "No, of course not, son! If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
|
|
Week starting 17 August 03
|
| A guest at a posh hotel called over the headwaiter one morning in the breakfast room. The waiter gave him a cheerful smile and said, "Good morning, Sir! How can I help you?"
The guest replied, "What a wonderful morning it is! I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that's been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away when you touch it with a knife; some butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of weak, lukewarm coffee, please."
"Why, I'm sorry, Sir," the waiter replied, "but we cannot do that for you!"
"Oh, really?" The guest replied. "But that's exactly what I got yesterday!"
|
|
Week starting 10 August 03
|
| An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith....
|
|
Week starting 03 August 03
|
| An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2001 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."
|
|
Week starting 27 July 03
|
| Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
|
|
Week starting 20 July 03
|
| After successfully passing the bar exam, Allan opened up his own law office. One day, he was sitting idly at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him in!" Allan exclaimed. An idea popped into his head and he quickly picked up the phone as his secretary was returning with the man. Allan shouted into the phone, "...and you can tell them that we won't accept less than sixty thousand, and don't call me again until you agree to that amount!" He slammed down the phone and stood up to greet his visitor. "Good morning Mr. Jones! What can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect your phone."
|
|
Week starting 13 July 03
|
| The local pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the loss of her husband. Sitting on the sofa, the pastor eyed a dish of peanuts sitting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes, he noticed that he had eaten nearly all of the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all of your peanuts."
"That's okay pastor," replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth, I only get to suck the chocolate off!"
|
|
|
 |
|
