Gumba's Side of the Story

ahhh, chunk and the goonies. i don't know much about the upstart, and honestly, don't give a shit. chunky butt and I met on the baseball field, where many good friendships have started. jeff sucked, so he played right field, and I played center, to cover his ass. this would turn out to be a strong metaphor for our relationship. when the goonies got their name, we parted ways. they were assholes, i was a punk. hanging out with assholes is a surefire way to sell out.

i turned on my punk upbringing, to become a goonie in the summer of '98 (also known as the summer of cum-guzzling barrel monkeys). i served as the replacement drummer, while the pony infiltrated japanese puntangs from canada to florida. we had fun, we wore suits, and even played a frightful rendition of spinal tap's tonite we're gonna' rock it for jeremy's drunk ass relatives in return for some skanky beer and a few cans of MGD.

by the end of the summer, i was convinced, once again, that they were all assholes, and, once again, left the band. spending my time making noise with huggy bear in the illigitimate sons, driving hordes of people running out of every venue we played. it's not too often that a concert attendee yells, "shut the fuck up" from outside the building.

as my inhibitions weekened, and i became unaware of my surroundings (due to constant consumption of TYLENOL 3), I wrote a few songs (bikini bikers, the tossed salad ballad, and pumpin' out the poop) with jeff and half-assedly joined the band.

at this point, seth birchfield was consuming so much alcohol that there was a web cam mounted on his egg shell chair (where he sat wearing a beer can helmet with a bottle of southern comfort on the left and sour mash on the right, which created a mixture which seth referred to as "blurpdiggledodstarot"-most of what he says is unintelligable) so that jack daniel's stock owners could observe the appreciation first hand. there were over 200 people who made millions day-trading that year. this coincided with nick henning becoming insecure about his long monkey fingers (it's okay, we love you-yr a freak, no more a freak than i). they were both ousted.