Nick Henning's

JAH RESINATION AND CHUNK AND THE GOONIES!!

on the night chunk and the goonies was born, much like the mutant child (that would have been "accidentally" thrown away with the bedding in previous decades), derek, jeff, and i were actually sober,... i think... maybe not, but the point is that... you see back in my day neighbors didn't complain when a fledgling band would practice outside during spring break, and i think ken finch gave us chicken that was laced with something, either that or the pop can bong isn't as safe as we first thought and i... but the point is the first song we learned to play was big bottom, cause we were being sponsored by jenny craig or something, and you know how much she likes king gyros...what the shit?... well so we decided after a few gigs at planet java, that the only way we would get paying gigs would be if we set up our own shows, so we did and my mom signed for the amphatheatre (i like that spelling better) cause i had a record and was not allowed within 50 yards of DEAN HEISE!!!(nazi)... and i said the door was ajar, but the cop didn't understand because i think he thought the door was a door.. after a few almost fatal overdoses, i realised that the goonies(as the associated press began refering to us) were more than the music, it was the group of dumbass teenagers doing dumbass things, many of which were discussed in "public urination", and in maya angelou's more recent poems... and did you know that an entryway to a locked bathroom in the middle of a park in the middle of winter isn't a sufficient shelter for halucinating teenagers? so anywho, i, as the eldest of the origional goonies, had the responsibility of driving (badly) the mom-mobile and the porkchop (which dave is pimping in as you read this) all over the everywhere, hauling equipment, buying 40s and parliments, smashing into any and all snowdrifts, and renting the porn for jeff who has recently been diagnosed as a porn-aholic, but only towards pornography with rod stewart(this one was disposed of by me with a hammer and a screwdriver one hung-over sunday morning)and ones with chicken decapitations...so this one time(and i don't think it was a good wednesday) andy got a camera put up his dork. but, like every acid filled summer, all good things must come to an end, and when i gradumacated from highschool i was slowly pushed out of the band and all intramural teams, two gigs later i left for a place where drugs and alcohol ran even more rampant than inside the laporte county jail(where inmates are fabled to sing primus songs, do "pushups" and pee all over the toilet and toilet paper). i went to a state run liberal arts college(lots of baseball caps). after a few years i returned to find the band that i had helped found was considerably smaller(from somewhere around 27 members at it's zenith down to an uncomfortably small 4) not only that, but the name jeff had come up with to help him deal with his obesity(he was well over 300 lbs. at the inception of chunk et. all) was now a more flagrant pot reference than i knew what to do with. upon my return i realized the chunk and the goonies who had written songs such as "star wars sex acts" and "butt cowboys", were now a more mature jah resination who wrote songs entitled "bikini bikers" and "7". sitting here at i.u. with a bitch on either side of me, a bottle of mickey's premium malt liquor, and a bucket of chicken, i'm reminded of more inside jokes, that no one else but goonies will find funny: andy trying to puke on mr. menne, sam (who apparently likes jazz more than his own mother)"sleeping" in his van while we were showing our badges to kauffman, derek who found a porno starring mr. fujawa and my stepbrother(who has to pay full price when going to the zoo [except on the first tuesday and thursday of every month]) doing illicit acts, the likes of which you could never imagine, jeff's ability to get out of trouble by yelling inane vulgarities at his parents (who, legend has it, will smell his butt), jeremy's buttshaped "member"(i have never seen, but apparently jeff still has my camera with a picture of it and he and my front porch) and really really large nutsack(which i did see once at amanda allen's), the one time me and hickey got arrested for running illegal immigrants in accross the the latvian boarder, nick york's black & decker shirt the junior anti-sex league also seth bules and the buck toothed jungle weasles, bees and monkies and terre haute. seth birchfis' love pie and sliding under the lunch doors, the time jeff, sam, seth and i got piss drunk in st. louis. wohead's flamin boots keeping the cave warm, adamn's goonie christ at the church, and can i just mention that i hate fay iorio, and most of all the time that i was driving down to college, and accidentally cut in front of a semi, who was hauling inflatable britany spears dolls butt plugs and 59 gallons of jet fuel (don't ask me why) to a republican party retreat, my rear bumper got caught under the front wheel and i was spread all over i-65, it was a horrible way to die. but seeing as how my morphine induced haze is clearing i think it's time to sit back, relax and enjoy some quiet time. and look forward to the day that the goonies' all-star reunion tour plays at my son's graduation party and jeremy's second breakdown (a.k.a. "the big one"). til then all we can do is wait, and find solace in drugs, women, but mostly drugs, just like i have been for the last 6 years two months and 3 and 3/4 days.

watch more tv, work more, spend more, use more gasoline, read fewer novels.

nick