According to Ben, "it's Tuesday night and it's a musical campaign for your votes". Here at Dwarf Central it's Thursday night and it's a voting campaign to stop the insanity. "Please stop", vote my battered sensibilities. "Insert sharp instruments", vote my battered senses. "Rewind that tape one more time and you're a dead man", votes Mrs. Dwarf. "Look, I promised a bunch of way over-invested net.denizens that I would do this every other week, and that's just not the sort of promise one takes lightly." "Well, when you put it so convincingly as all that..." "Exactly, it's a matter of national importance. People have a right to know what I thought of Ben's outfit."

Shoebox: Heh. Sounds like you and I need to organize a survivors' convention. Like that episode of M*A*S*H when they got everybody's families together.

Joe Dwarf: For the record, Ben is wearing jeans and a black T-shirt with some sort of lime green pattern, over which he layers a blue tracksuit top and an oversized, unstructured blue-grey linen jacket. He's exfoliated within an inch of his life and ratcheted up the man-tan a notch, clearly unsatisfied with the general orange-osity of his look last week. He has the slick hair, the plastic-y face and the outfit that falls just that much short of being hip. In short, he looks like a mannequin at Sears.

In case you weren't clear on the whole situation, he's Ben, we're Canada and this show is a pile of crap.

Shoebox: How bad was it? I was actually starting to feel really sorry for Benedict – he was out there working like a St. Bernard dog trying to rescue these kids' self-esteem. You could tell, it was making his orange all sweaty.

Joe Dwarf: "Last week we blew up real good" (paraphrasing, honest) and to almost no-one's surprise Daryl and Ashley become the first two members of what I am already refusing to label the "top" anything. They sang well, they invoked the ghost of Walt either directly or indirectly, and they're here to bore us for the duration.

According to Ben, "it's gonna be a hard act to follow" but tonight Group Two has no plans to do anything like that. The "fierce competition" we're not about to see will need your votes so Ben makes with the explanations. For once, I'd like to see them change it all around just to keep people on their toes. "Folks, we're all tired of paying the phone bills around here, so how's about you just write your votes down on the nearest scrap of paper and put it in the mail addressed to your MP. Ben knows his way around Parliament Hill, he'll just amble around the joint next week and pick 'em all up. No stamp required!"

Ben introduces four people who not only still think they're the stars but are this week determined to be the most entertaining segment of the show. Not such hard work, as it turns out.

Shoebox: Yay, the judges are out of their comas! And boy, apparently they're really ticked to find out that somebody went ahead and taped last week's show without them.

Joe Dwarf: Ben asks Jake if this week's group has a chance given last week was so "amazing". Note the ironic quote marks, people. They don't give this job to chimps, you know.

Jake answers from behind his blue pinstripes that, given the names, he believes they're way better than last week. Given how prepared these judges seemed with their vitriol, you have to know that based on the dress rehearsals Jake knows they're nowhere near as good.

Farley's wearing an extremely shiny beige striped shirt and gets asked about nerves. Farley believes that confidence comes from "preparation and a whole big dose of believing in your self". I think that question should have gone to Sass, who would no doubt have advocated a whole big dose of something else. Instead Ben wants to know if watching last week's show is an advantage or disadvantage.

Sass (white shirt, pink flowers) obviouses that the advantage is that they may pick up some tips. She then more shrewdly states that they may become too self conscious. Seeing as we had several very unironically self-conscious train-wrecks this week this advice seems apt.

Ben wants to know why Zack and everybody else were so nice. Abandoning the black for a beige sweater with some leafy arm decoration, Zack replies that while they all enjoy bullying little girls that even he has to be nice because people are really good. He also declares himself to be a cynical, pompous ass. Which, OK, but he's usually an honest, accurate ass, which I can say because I often agree with him. I'm still going with them having some "notes" from the producers last week, and then getting countering notes when they realize that people like the snark. That's right, feel the snark side of the Force. Be the snark, Zack.

Shoebox: Seriously, they're maybe trying a bit too hard in the opposite direction. I still have no idea what Sass was babbling about re: off-key, unless she's actively trying to court seventh-grade assassination attempts. And frankly, guys, just because all your huge contestant gambles paid off in spades last year and this year are dropping like...well, like those wheezy winter flies that keep banging into the window...well, OK, so you've got a right to be a trifle cranky.

Joe Dwarf: We are introduced to the pianist, Mark Lalama. He looks really bored. Also, he may have just escaped from prison. We are re-introduced to this week's group, who march in alternating with shots of their fans. The contestants mostly smile and wave, except for Vince who goes for a wacky!wave. Some of them have sign- waving psycho fans already, most have a couple of proud family members who can only dream of the sign-waving psycho fans to come.

Ben wants to know where Alinka's drive comes from. She Hallmarks that it comes from her heart and is her destiny, because she's been performing every day. I think she might want to examine the difference between "hopeless cause" and "destiny". Dave seems to have been shopping in the same Sappy Sentiment Store because he says that everything is a "growing and learning experience". Ben asks Dave if he's ready to rock and he responds with one of the most apprehensive and least enthusiastic "yeahs" I've ever heard. You have to believe that the consequence of failing is weighing a lot more heavily on him than the others. No pressure, Dave.

We learn from Dave's bio that he's 21, from Victoria and that he auditioned at the insistence of friends. No. Just, no. Don't ask us to swallow that big a load of horse doo- doo. There's no way this guy entered on a whim. He entered to revive his career, or possibly he was cast by Idol producers as a gimmick. A whim? Give me the proverbial break. Anyways, he used to be in The Moffatts. Were you aware of that? I didn't know. Apparently that was a band that "had some success".

Shoebox: Yeah...'my brothers and I were in a band', forsooth. Also, feh. From his overall demeanor tonight I'm guessing the Moffat's self-respect woke him up sometime last week going "Wha-uh? Where? Canadian Idol? I'm an Idol contestant?!!"

Joe Dwarf: You know what would have been great here? If Dave came out in the flashiest boi-toy duds he could find and camped his way through Mmm-bop. Instead he's got some distressed jeans, a couple of unfortunate skulls on his jacket, some unfortunate hair on his face and one of the most worn-out Idol songs ever. I don't know how many versions of Overjoyed I've had to sit through but Stevie is making some serious change ever since he decided to pimp out his back catalog to 19E. I won't say this is the worst version I've heard but I don't think it makes the top 10. He's trying too hard, he misses way too many notes and his voice is breaking and cracking near the end. In his favour, the missed notes are only missed, to my ear he's mostly on key. But even if he had nailed every note, I don't think he's got the sort of voice that's all that interesting as a soloist. I can't imagine this performance putting him through, and I think his fans from his Moffatt days are largely over the power-voting age group. I can't see him in the Wildcard show, either.

Shoebox: He clearly knows how to do it, how to sell a song. You can see the outlines...those faint dotted lines they used to use in Saturday-morning cartoons to indicate the invisible guy. Song, performance, presence, nada. Say what you like about these kids and denial, it's a whole lot more entertaining to watch than the alternative.

Joe Dwarf: Jake and Farley were both underwhelmed. Farley expected him to "step up" given his background. Sass says he missed a ton of notes and asked him if it was nerves. He thought he was getting better near the end – I thought he was actually getting worse. Zack sums it up for all of us: "Bye, Dave". At this point my previously simmering Moffatt hate disappears and I feel sorry for him. Dude looks haggard and he's staring down the barrel of an embarrassing, very public failure. He takes his lumps with grace and humour and honestly self-evaluates at 6/10. Good luck, Dave. But also, bye.

We learn that Alinka is 25 and from Barrie. You'd think a girl with that much destiny would have hit the big time a little sooner, eh? She was nervous in the top 100. She gives the standard props to Byrd for fixing up her song. Hoo. Boy. If that was fixed, I'd hate to hear broken. According to Alinka, we're getting the perfect representation of her in tonight's song. So from the horses mouth, if this performance doesn't do it for you, it ain't getting any better. Because (say it with me, people) it's what she was born to do.

Shoebox: Scary, innit? Right around here I started formulating a new theory of Idol performance-show suckiness: it exists in exact proportion to the number of contestants who truly believe they're fulfilling their destiny, multiplied by the amount of screen-time Byrd gets in the vid-bios. Honestly, it's like we got trapped in some sort of horrific parallel universe wherein all the Best of the Worst people made it through.

Joe Dwarf: Let me be upfront about this: I hate Black Velvet. Hate. HATE. HAAAATE! There are no words. OK, there is the one word. HATE. Janis Joplin could come back from the dead and soul-shout this song backed by Booker T and it would still suck. Holly Cole could deconstruct it into jazz backed by Oscar Peterson and it would still suck. Chrissie Hynde could rock it out in front of the original Pretenders and. It. Would. Still. Suck. And given that this song was the demise of a much more talented contestant last year who gave it a much better effort, I've got to believe that much of Canada is with me on this one.

Shoebox: At the risk of being stripped of my Snark merit badges I must admit that I have a sort of quasi-nostalgic affection for this song. Watching it performed on Idol, however, not so much...mostly because I'm just baffled that I'm watching it again. I mean, kids, c'mon, it's a campy, cheezy song about Elvis. For a wannabe blues singer this is the equivalent of running across the stage holding up a sign reading "I Have No Feeling For Music Whatsoever!"

Joe Dwarf: So, about Alinka's version of the song that keeps on sucking: it certainly didn't change my mind about the song. She's wearing a long goldish tan fake leather coat over cream pants and shirt. The delivery is shouty, over-sung, over-emoted, overwrought and out of tune. Every move is choreographed and looks it. The presentation is not so much karaoke as high school talent-show lip-sync. I'm a little disappointed. I wanted her to be good because, well, she's really pretty. That's about the shallow, ugly, truth of it. But I don't need to hear any more of her singing, no matter how pretty. "You thought she was pretty?", says Mrs. Dwarf. "I thought she was pretty and then she sang that song and I didn't think she was so pretty any more."

Shoebox: She is pretty, or at least striking, and she had a cool outfit to boot. But I'm sorry, I'm just not prepared to spend a summer watching a glossier version of what happens when I get bored dusting.

Joe Dwarf: Farley thought she had a certain star appeal despite a few "challenges". Sass thought she was wonderful to look at but radically out of tune. Listening back I wouldn't say it was that badly out of tune but there were sure enough bad notes to be noticed. Zack thought it was incredibly contrived and awful. I would have used contrived to describe it myself, if Zack hadn't done it first. Flash to the remaining contestants looking gob-smacked: "but but but... Zack was so nice last week". Yeah, welcome to the big shew, kids. Jake thought she looked good but the singing wasn't that great. Throughout all this, Alinka has the look of someone who thought she nailed it, but is gradually learning to her horror that not everyone shares her view of destiny. Ben makes with the nice while she smiles and tries to hold it together.

Back to the couch interviews, Ben asks David if Sheena is in the audience. He replies that she's singing backup at an Elvis competition. And you know, that ought to be enough answer for anyone. He could have left it right there, got a nice little laugh, but nooooo. David thinks that Alinka and Dave are pikers when it comes to sloppy sentiment, so he tells us all that "emotionally, spiritually and psychically" she is tucked away inside his chest. Which is too much even for Ben, visibly controlling the gag urge on stage.

Shoebox: Hey, by the time he was finished with the vid-bio ol' Porkchops here had me discovering gag reflexes I didn't even realise they went that deep. Which is a shame, because aside from the Up With People membership there's something about the guy that really does make you want to root for him We all, including the judges, really shoulda known; nobody who can make I Got You Babe sound that convincing is up to anything good as an Idol contestant.

Joe Dwarf: He quickly turns to Casey, queen of Zen (who knew?) and asks what the biggest challenge for her. She gives the stock answer about meeting so many nice people and then saying goodbye to them. Ben suggests she get some phone numbers. She'll get right on that.

We learn that David is 22 years old, is from Duncan, BC, and enunciates very clearly. We revisit his duet with Sheena. He says Sheena's elimination was sobering and now there's no question that he needs to go into the top 10. It's what he's being told to do. By brass monkeys or pink flamingos, one can only presume.

David is singing Only The Good Die Young in jeans, a black shirt and some more UFH in the form of his muttonchop sideburns. To his credit, he hits all the notes and sings clear and strong. There's some ridiculous rock-star posturing with the mic stand that is fortunately over quite soon. He mucks about with the phrasing a little and either changes the lyric or forgets it, to no ill effect. Although it's well-done, there's nothing in it that inspires any desire for more of the same, nor does it hold much promise for anything better. He's a well-trained musical theatre guy with a lot of energy. I think he should go back to Duncan and appear in the local production of Guys and Dolls. But rock star/pop star/idol? Nuh-uh.

Shoebox: OK. You-all remember what happened to me when Jacob performed this song last year, right? How it inspired my white-hot HATE for all things Hoggard? How I rambled on for weeks on various forums about how I thought he was showboating, I couldn't believe a second of it? How I eventually grew to value him immensely but still, up to this evening, couldn't bring myself to watch that one performance? Well...watching VealChops here, all I could do was think back with a tender, wistful nostalgia. "At least Jacob understood," I believe were my exact thoughts.

Joe Dwarf: Sass enjoys the effusiveness and vitality of his performance. And also, the Y chromosome. Zack wonders what they were thinking when they picked these guys out of the top 100. As do we all, Mr. Werner. He says that is exactly what Canadian Idol should not be about. If I may elaborate for Zack, there was no artistry there, only skill, and the skill was in itself not overly remarkable. Jake says that they thought the song was good fit, but the performance was a bit rushed. Farley wonders why everyone is trying to make it easier for those left on the couch. I don't think David was trying to do that, I think he gave his best shot and it just didn't cut it. That performance wasn't substantially different from I Got You, Babe - it just lacked the human interest angle of the duet with his girlfriend.

Casey is 17 and from Nackawic, NB. She wants her style to reflect her individuality. Judging by the apple-green pant/shirt/scarf combo, her individuality lies close to the matrons shopping for souvenirs in Palm Beach. She wants to go further because she's different and likes that she's different. Because pretty blonde 17 year-olds singing blues songs way too old for them never, ever happen in Idol competitions.

She's chosen to sing an old Sam Cooke song, "Bring It On Home To Me", most famously covered by the Supremes. It's a great song but those lyrics as sung by a 17 year old... inappropriate! She's a little subdued but I choose to interpret it as restrained. It's nice to hear someone who doesn't feel the need to yell at you. She hits all the notes and displays some of the great tone she showed in the early rounds. I thought it was overall pretty good, and potentially she could get better. I don't see her interesting me too much beyond the pure quality of her singing, though.

Shoebox: Mm. If she had been in your everyday run-of-the-mill CI group she'd have sunk without trace. Here, however, the faint richness of tone and promise of soul was enough to make me cling to her every note. Song choice was a trifle unnerving, but given her obvious confidence handling it I'll give her a conditional pass on the "unique" thing. Also, I confess to liking the outfit, maybe because I work @ Zellers and the constant barrage of memos has worn me down further than I thought.

Joe Dwarf: Zack thinks that the general vibe of the night sunk her performance a bit. He thinks she could be really great if she was able to continue. Jake thought she took a chance with the older blues song but did a great job. Farley thought it lagged in the beginning and was a challenge for her overall. Sass has one of her lucid moments and comments that she needed to sing in a higher key. I love it when she talks dirty.

L'Oreal pimpmercial. Two words: fast forward. Sorry.

Shoebox: [sigh] Men. Actually, what happened was the vaguely effeminate L'Oreal crew took our vaguely effeminate Idol crew out to the cosmetics counter at the Eaton Centre (it looks like) and as per usual everybody was way too interested in moisturizer.

Oh, and Alinka's deep into lipstick, if nothing else whatsoever. Chances are she's already gone home, drowned her sorrows in Radically Red, and decided that this is Destiny's way of telling her she really needs to appear on America's Next Top Model.

Joe Dwarf: Josh is on the couch and on the spot about his friendship with Theresa. He says, while trying to eat the mic, that she told him the cast and crew were really nice. Julie says that the day she met Celine Dion, if only for a minute when she was 14, was the best day of her life. Wow. Sucks to be Julie.

Shoebox: After this little interlude all the judicial surprise about her fundamental lack of passion just made me sit back and laugh and laugh...

Joe Dwarf: Josh is 22, from Saskatoon, and likes scarves. A lot. He says the top 100 was the most stressful thing he's ever had to do. He kisses Byrd's ass as per contractual obligation, and then labels being there as the "most amazing launching pad".

Josh is wearing jeans and a 60s styled jacket with a bunch of buttons. The jacket used to belong to Jeff Healey. Here's a hint, Josh – when picking clothes, perhaps those that have been discarded by a blind man aren't your best bet. He's singing "Love Having You Round", another old Stevie Wonder song. He preens, he prances, he smirks, he introduces the Combover Clutch. He has one of the most brickable faces I've ever seen. Despite all that, he's great. It sounds nothing like a Stevie Wonder song. It's original, it's entertaining, it's him, as annoying as I can already tell he's going to be. Best performance of the night, by a long shot.

Shoebox: Stop presses, somebody finally brought the true gen! Was fascinated by, believed in and loved every second. Sure he's got that vaguely Eurofreak thing going on, but then so did most of your 60's rock icons, and Josh has the distinct advantage of being sober. I think. Anyhow, I am literally dying to see what he does next ... which probably means buying a plane ticket to Saskatchewan.

Joe Dwarf: Jake says he's the real artist, the real deal. Farley says he brings an essence of self and that it was wicked. Sass comments on his innate sense of performance and calls him a real rock star. Josh smarms back that he's wearing a real rock star jacket. "Yeah, from Paul Revere and the Raiders" replies Zack. Which, yeah, it's a few ruffles short but that's essentially the look. Or Sgt. Pepper, but without the paisley. Zack also liked it, but warns about the unknown quality of the song. He labels Josh "slightly the real deal". I'm hoping for the wildcard for Josh, I think he'll make it interesting. That or we'll want to kill him by mid-July. That's quite the combination of talent, quirkiness, arrogance and freshman philosophizing (you have to read the local newspaper articles to get the full impact) we've got there.

Shoebox: Yo, I'm good with freshman goofiness...or at least not nearly so hard to please as I was last year. At this point boyo could pull out Seasons in the Sun with the ruffes thrown in, just for the shot at using "interesting" and CI3 in the same sentence.

Joe Dwarf: Julie is 25 and from St Bruno-De-Montarville, QC. Easy for her to say. She describes heading back home after top 100 as overwhelming. Byrd endures another brown-nosing. Julie regards her experience as a gift.

Julie is singing Dirty Man. It's a slow hurtin' blues song that on the surface sounds old but lyrically it doesn't sound quite right. It's like someone wrote a blues song without actually having the blues. Quick google for writer credits comes up with: Joss Stone. Teenage white girls always write the best blues songs. [Whoops: not so quick search reveals Bobby Miller as the writer. To hell with it, I done liked that joke and I'm-a stickin' with it, right or wrong.]

Julie is wearing jeans and a sleeveless brown top and looks great. Girl works out, y'all. She sings this very well, shows off all her chops but overall the impression is not quite... she's supposed to be all pissed at her man who done her wrong, but she comes off more as mildly annoyed. Still I enjoyed it and wouldn't mind hearing more from Julie.

Shoebox: I would not like to be Mr.Done Her Wrong from a physical standpoint, at least. Great voice, funky unexpected song choice, just allowing herself to be way, way too impressed with both La Celine and La Byrd instead of trusting her own instincts. Assuming she has any. Frankly I don't see her as a pro singer, I see her as somebody who needs to get this Idol nonsense out of her system before she settles down to a nice steady career.

Joe Dwarf: Farley calls her a diamond, sort of. Sass says that it was radically out of tune. I didn't hear that at all. Not even slightly. It must sound different in the studio. Zack says he's deaf, by which I think he meant Sass is. He thinks she's a "bit of a star" but slightly short on guts. Jake agrees with Zack, saying she sings great but it doesn't feel like it's coming from insider her.

Vince had to do some negotiating for which members of his large family get tickets. He's 25 and from Toronto. He feels that you can't look like a slob and perform. He would like to represent Canada. Shocker!

Shoebox: Gahhh, that 'mamma-mia-I'm-so-Italian!" schtick? I can't get through half an hour of it watching Mario Batali on the Food Network, and he's got actual pasta to show me.

Joe Dwarf: Vince has the lime green polo shirt under a very dark, possibly navy jacket and jeans. UFH: soul patch. Unfortunate song choice: What a Wonderful World. This is another well-worn path. I'm not sure what the thinking was here, perhaps "I've got a raspy voice, Louis Armstrong had a raspy voice – its perfect!" Louis may have rasped but he never wheezed. Vince sounds like he needs some Ventilin and an oxygen tent. Or perhaps like he's recently gone under emergency surgery at the hands of Dr. Palpatine. It's not so much sung as stage-whispered with great gasping breaths every phrase. Occasionally he shows us a glimpse into why he was selected – when he's actually singing and not sucking wind or whispering, he sounds pretty good.

Sass says he was shaky in the bottom notes but good in the upper registry. Zack calls it a flat-out choke with some really good moments and a lot of real crap. Hard to argue with the truth. Jake berates him for picking a safe song. Farley agrees with Zack and Jake and urges everyone to "step up".

Ben strides out, eager to make the point that the song choice was actually risky, given that anyone who sings it must put a new spin on it. Agreed, and as Vince put the spin of a wheezing old fan on it, he must be safe as houses.

Shoebox: I'm also kind of on Ben's side [which probably means I really, really need to up the dosage] re: Vince, actually. Doing something interesting with an Idol Song, always grounds for mild admiration here at Shoe Central. Unfortunately I can't ever see "mild" becoming anywhere close to "major" – primarily because his basic tone sounds like if he tries to step it up any further he'll keel right over onstage - so, whatever.

Joe Dwarf: Emily interviews that the competition has meant the world for her and is a great opportunity. She's 17 and from Ottawa, ON. 17? 17? Mrs. Dwarf had her pegged at about 32. That's one seriously mature looking sophomore. She says that people who previously ignored her in high school now say hi, and people at work recognize her. Ah, yes, the brief stint of high school popularity before real success makes all of them call her names behind her back.

Shoebox My inner Cruel Teenager made a brief cameo right about here, drawn forth I think by the hair. At any rate, all I could think of at the end of this bio was: "Wow...does it hurt much?"

Joe Dwarf: Scenes with Byrd: kiss kiss, ass ass. She picked her song because she had success with it in early rounds. And that song is Don't Cry Out Loud, originally by Melissa Manchester. This song was chosen for one purpose: showing off. It's just a nice build-up to some smokin' glory notes, including the ever-popular key change at full volume. As is usual with this sort of song, all is forgiven so long as you power through the chorus.

Shoebox: Unless you're Shoemom. She was AWOL through most of this show, on the computer in the next room, but when Emily started whaling away on Don't Cry Out Loud - which happens to be one of her Very Favourite Songs Evah - I couldn't resist punching up the volume slightly. The resulting wail of pure anguish was clearly audible through the drywall and the glory notes.

Joe Dwarf: Well it's a good thing she nails those, because the intro is truly dreadful. Shaky, and flat, flat, flat. She looks pretty, though, blonde ringlets atop an asymmetrical hem dress in a brown print. I have no clue whether she's capable of anything interesting – I suspect not.

Shoebox: Not to me, at any rate. Not being at all convinced that the world needs even one Carrie Underwood let alone Diana DeGarmo, I was, shall we say, less than moved.

Joe Dwarf: Zack says the notes in the verse weren't very good, but she pageanted her way through the glory notes and could well be through. Clearly not his cup of tea at all, nor mine. But it's the sort of thing people vote for. "Now, that that's some singin' Darlene. Damn, but I loves me a loud key change." Jake comments on the big notes and key change and also predicts she's through. Farley thought the "volcano moments" were done really well and was relieved by her performance. Sass says even with the missed notes she was by far the best singer of the evening.

OK, that's the lot for this week. Stay tuned for next week when Shoebox reviews Group Three and it's my turn to play second banana.