Previously on Canadian Idol – a whole truckload of famewhore hopefuls auditioned in a desperate attempt to milk this cash cow one more time. Through a multi-layered process of talent filtering, we got about the top 10 you’d expect if what you expect is talent chosen by committee.

Spawn of Brian stumbles down the stairs and waves to the throng of signage. He’s wearing a semi-shawl-collared powder blue tuxedo jacket over white shirt and jeans. It’s pretty much what Chuck Barris would wear if he were still hosting the Gong Show and wanted to modernize his look a little. The overall talent level is also not dissimilar.

Idol Host Ben informs us that the performers will be backed by “orchestral arrangement”, which means the usual karaoke crap. He gives the 15 second show description and pumps the audience for screams a couple of times. Apparently, our votes are “more crucial” than they’ve ever been. There are other things affecting which contestants are canned, Ben? Do tell. Yeesh. I know this season they were trying to push the multicultural buttons but did that include hiring ESL writers?

Zack, wearing a jean jacket with a suit collar (yes, it looks just as dorky as described), on the general awesomeness of the event: “all of this, just for me?”

Sass has brought her C game to the event, in a scoop-neck brown T. Ben wants to know how the performers can raise it to the next level. Her girls are too busy screaming “HELLO! We got yer cleavage right here!” for me to really hear what she says, but it’s some generic new-agey “energy of the music” answer.

Farley looks like a couch upholstered in cream brocade. He obviouses that taking a risk means you become more memorable. I’m not sure what the point of this question is, exactly, as all save one of the 10 performances we’re about to see are pretty much risk-free.

Ben asks a blue-suited Jake if this will be the best top 10 ever. Dude, this top 10 can’t even hang with any season of American Idol, never mind either of the previous Canadian Idol seasons. Jake wisely avoids the question and exhorts Ben to just get on with the show.

We’re introduced to the contestants. Daryl looks pretty darn pasty white to be “the golden boy of nickel city”. Ashley is described as “a tall glass of sparkling water”. I’ll take their word for it. The only measuring stick I’ve got is the people already on stage. She’s taller than Daryl and shorter than Ben, so that lumps her in with most people, I’d say.

Casey is “a small town girl with big city dreams” and Emily is “Ottawa’s high school sweetheart”. That about sums it up right there, doesn’t it? We’re already bored, and those were just the one-line descriptions. When you can’t think of anything more interesting to say about a singer than having big dreams or being a sweetheart, I’d say you’re about sunk.

Amber is “the girl with the golden vocal cords” and Rex is “guts, glory and gasoline”. Melissa is “a musical athlete” while Suzi is “out of control, she’s rock and roll”. Those four descriptions are a little more enticing.

Aaron is “the powerhouse that St. Thomas built”. I suspect that many of St. Thomas’ restaurants had a hand in Aaron’s construction. Perhaps there was a tender issued for cheeseburgers? Finally, “when (Josh is) hot, he’s cool”. Hokay. After we get those ESL writers reading their dictionaries, maybe we can get them working on idiom.

This week the theme is “Canadian Hits”. Ben voices over a montage of Canadian artists, most of whom are notable by the fact that they’ve never been covered on any Canadian Idol show. I’m not sure how many refuse to be involved like the Barenaked Ladies as opposed to how many simply aren’t relevant anymore like Lighthouse and Anne Murray. We’ve yet to hear anyone cover Neil Young or Joni Mitchell unless I was asleep for those shows and I strongly suspect they’re in the same camp as BNL. Seems like a whole pile o’ hypocrisy to hitch your wagon to a bunch of artists who so clearly wish to remain unhitched to you.

First up is Aaron. Blah blah singing since the cradle, part of my life-cakes yadda yadda. Is there any one of these contestants who suddenly decided they could sing last year and thought they’d give this ol’ Idol whirly-gig a spin just for yucks? To no-one’s surprise and amazement, Aaron is a musical theatre geek who lives for the stage. Aaron likes drinking beer (another shocker, there) with his actor buddies at the pub down the street from the theatre. We’re introduced to his girlfriend, who’s caught on a bad hair day but seems sweet.

Aaron is singing You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet, an old BTO tune. Aaron presents it like a well-trained singer who’s had this rock and roll phenomenon carefully described to him, but has never actually heard a rock and roll record. He has an abject level of cluelessness towards the material that may have only been surpassed by Pat Boone covering Tooti Frooti, or possibly Vanilla Ice. Any hope that the “orchestral arrangement” might help him out of this one is quashed by the drummer who’s last gig was apparently studio backing for a Little Drummer Boy karaoke CD. The only good things I can think to say about it are that he was on key and wearing clothes that suited him well (if not the song). I had hopes that Aaron would be entertaining, now I’m left wondering if there’s anything in modern pop that he’ll be able to sing convincingly.

Jake thought it was an “interesting song choice” and implied that he left the theatrical stuff behind. He labeled it “good work”. More than any other judge, I suspect Jake of scripting his comments in advance of the show. Surely nobody who knows music could listen to that and then truthfully imply as he did that Aaron had excised his musical theatre training from that performance.

Farley says he had some discomfort when he saw the song choice and still has that discomfort. Translation: “I knew it would suck, and I was right”. Sass labels it “Tom Jones singing Bachman Turner Overdrive”, which is a complete insult to Tom Jones who would have done a similar thing but somehow been 10X cooler than Aaron. Zack wins the master of snark award by comparing Aaron to Michigan J. Frog. “Hello, my baby”... unfortunately, I’ve now got the visual of some sleazy would-be impresario trying to stuff Aaron into a box and skulk off with him. Or maybe that’s just my dream... there’s always next week.

Ben attempts his usual consolation gig by labeling it “fun”, “entertaining” and “rock & roll”. Perhaps Ben’s standard for fun and entertaining rock & roll is The Wiggles. Aaron stares down the camera and tries to look unruffled. He manages nonplussed.

Emily was greeted back home with a skating party, where she displays a couple of slow spins and an easy jump interspersed with older footage of her. She works in the mall, she has a handful of girlfriends, her mom loves her and I don’t care. She smiles through the entire bland interview. Is there someone interesting underneath the veneer of makeup, hair and pageant-princess smile? Hard to tell but you’d think if there was a personality it would surface in the music. So, maybe not.

Emily’s singing Crying, which only qualifies as Canadian because kd lang recorded it with Roy Orbison. Her face is made up so meticulously that she looks like a portrait of herself – girlfriend is damn near shellacked. The dress looks lovely, except for this bow oddly placed underneath one breast. I don’t understand that look – is this the pageant queen variation on one pant leg rolled up?

I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to interpret this song. But then, I also wasn’t expecting her to start it so horribly, hideously out of tune. I was looking for her to save it with the big glory notes in the end except... not so much with the saving, either. The arrangement is oddly disjointed and never really lets her hit her full showboating stride. But even when she goes for the big notes, the bland smile over what is supposed to one of the most mournful, beautiful howls of pain ever written makes me want to retch. Overall, she sings this with all the passion of a woman who’s just broken a nail.

Ironically, I saw kd lang sing Crying in person a few months back. During the show she told a story about losing singing contests to bland blonde pageant princesses exactly like Emily. She told it jokingly, but she’s still bitter after all those years and if she bothered to watch the show she probably tossed her tofurkey at the TV and swore vengeance on the grave of Roy.

Farley correctly points out that you have to earn the payoff of the big moment and understates that “the stuff in the beginning wasn’t there”. Sass thought it was an improvement over the last time but that she played it safe. I’m shocked Sass didn’t lambaste her for being “pitchy”, she was so flat in the first phrase my teeth hurt. Zack points out that she was unsupported in her lower register and that she is picking songs just for the glory noting opportunities. He also calls her on the pageant singing but labels it overall OK. Jake dittos Zack.

Daryl’s profile opens with him peeling out in his Dad’s vintage Mopar muscle. Muy macho! He likes the manly stuff, yes he does. Cut to the new family home where the paint in Daryl’s new room exactly matches the ‘Cuda, so maybe not so much with the love of 383 cubes as the darling purple colour scheme. We see footage of the family where Daryl voices over that he likes fishing and hunting. Just don’t ask him to remove hooks from any of the icky fishies. Daryl goes to an art high school where he’s beloved by his English teacher, who is a little too enthusiastic and about 2 years past dotting her “i”s with hearts. The vignette shows Daryl romping on the beach with a dozen of his bestest girlfriends. Because he likes the ladies, yes he does. Muy, muy macho! And lest you forget it, we get a closing shot of Daryl, leaning against the ‘Cuda and giving us his best James Dean scowl. He is ... less than convincing. The car would look cooler with a lace doily draped over its fender rather than Daryl.

Daryl coyly shuffles onto the stage, hands clasped in front, nervous smile. He looks like a puppy who’s about to get kicked. He’s wearing jeans and a T shirt topped with a hoodie and a sports coat. I’m not sure what look he’s shooting for, there. Combination stoner and realtor? He’s elected to sing an old Roch Voisine song, which is a really good fit for his voice. He’s a little shaky in places but overall I thought he sang it well. I’m not all that fond of boy sopranos but he has a very nice tone and didn’t oversing. I’d much rather see him stick around than some of the other princesses.

Sass gives some surprisingly lucid technical advice about why he was shaky, but praises his ability to connect with the song emotionally. Zack comments that it was not note-perfect but thought it was just fine. Jake feels he’s outclassed and needs more muscle in his singing. Farley says he consistently picks good songs and that he enjoyed it.

Suzi’s vignette begins by introducing her band, King Size Suzi. They are A. Drummer, A. Bassplayer and A.Guitarist. Suzi assures us that these nameless wonders are “awesome musicians”. No doubt they’ll cash in on Suzi’s good fortune if she wins, right Suzi? Uh, Suzi? [crickets].

Ahem. Over to Suzi’s folks’ place, which is a huge new house in Kamloops. Any ideas that you might get about Suzi’s image arising from a tough upbringing on the wrong side of the tracks ... nuh-uh. She introduces us to her daughter and mentions she also has a step-daughter. The implied husband/POSLQ remains anonymous. Suzi explains that the tattoo is a combination (astrological, Chinese calendar, floral) of symbols related to her daughter’s birth. That sequence pretty much summarises my impression of Suzi – sweet, well-intentioned but a couple of petunias short of a bunch.

Her family and friends are shown, and she explains they’ve been there through thick and thin, implying that there was a lot of thin there. We meet her mom and dad, who seem nice enough. Her mom has kindly provided Suzi with that schnozz, her dad donated the anime eyes. Suzi says it’s been hard being away, but you have to “go through some tough stuff to get to the good stuff”. Yeah, that 6 month turn through the Idol machine is a bitch. I’m sure you’d much rather work your way 20 years up some corporate ladder to finally achieve a yearly salary about equal to Avril’s weekly pocket money.

Suzi strides confidently out on the stage, eye on the prize. I hope Daryl wasn’t still lurking around backstage, he probably got flattened. She’s dressed quite conservatively by her standards, chocolate baggy pants under black camisole with lace trim and a scarf, plus an elbow length half-glove on her mic hand. Sort of business casual for rock chicks. She’s tackling one of Luba’s two hits, Everytime I See Your Picture, which is a perfect fit for her voice. Unfortunately she’s having a rare off night. She starts off well enough, and for the most part sounds fine. She botches one of the little runs in the middle but recovers nicely. But when she gets to the big finish it all goes to hell in a handbasket. One minute she’s OK, the next she sounds like she’s being strangled. Whatever you do in this game, you’ve got to finish strong. From the look in her eyes, she knows she dropped the ball.

Zack thought it was a mature performance and figures so long as people don’t misdial she’ll be in it to the end. Jake says she made it sound like she wrote the song. Farley trots out the god-damned “Suzi Raw” bit again. Step away from the bit, Farley. You’re freakin’ her out, dude. Sass thought she was fabulous. I note during the results show that the judges commented that she had an off night – maybe this is another case of the show acoustics being different but I can’t see how they missed that botched finish.

L’Oreal pimpmercial – they’re plotting to put the contestants on the cover of “Fashion” magazine. They are all supposedly excited and thrilled at the prospect, including Josh. I detect a wee bit of slacker irony in his over-gleeful reaction. To be continued... thank god for remote controls. Praise be the inventor of the fast forward. Shut up, L’Oreal.

Melissa is... shit, I’ve got no snark. She’s just an extremely likeable kid. She volunteers at a daycare, she helps her dad coach kids’ basketball. We meet her burly jock of a dad and her Chinese (I assume) mom who ESLs that “the whole entire Canada” will be able to share her talent. There’s a glimpse of a very cute kid brother, proving along with Melissa that some east-west cross-pollination provides us with very beautiful people.

Melissa’s got some sort of sparkly open green sweater overtop of a brown and blue blouse and jeans. It’s a better look than last time but still a long way from great. She’s such a natural beauty that she’s able to work it, though. She’s singing I Believe In You, an Amanda Marshall song that’s never done anything for me. She’s very easy and comfortable on stage. She works the camera naturally without overdoing it, acknowledging the TV audience but turning back to her real audience before too long. Everything about the performance is relaxed, including her pitch which is flat the entire way through. I haven’t heard pitch problems from her before, maybe she didn’t have enough monitor?

Again with the studio sound/TV sound difference because the judges didn’t hear it. But I believe that was why she was bottom three the next night. Jake comments on her playfulness with the camera, Farley on her relaxed manner, Sass on her tone and Zack that she’s just so damn lovable. Which she confirms in two seconds by thanking the audience for coming and giving a very 17-year-old little noise of excitement.

Jon Dore interrupts for a segment of non-funny. Shut up, Jon. Although I will admit that the beard is working for him.

Ashley’s bio opens with a little volleyball in the park, unfortunately sans bikini. Ashley’s folks own a bakery and they look like typical bakers. Not all the pastry makes it to the customer, methinks. Ashley remains stick-thin either through extraordinary willpower or possibly some freakish metabolism. Her folks seem very nice. Ashley says they are Portuguese and love their food, as the camera pans over a tasty-looking buffet. I’m betting on that 18 year old metabolism. Guys, look at her mom. That’s where she’s headed in another 20 years.

Her brother interviews that he cries when he sees her on TV, and wells up on cue, thus unintentionally sparking his own horde of scary internet fans. Bizarre how a 5 second segment can convince hundreds of tweenage girls that you are the worlds nicest guy. Ashley lets us know that she had a complete lack of confidence the whole way through, that it’s been amazing and to win would be a dream come true. The cliché police haul her away at that point and beat her senseless.

Ashley is barefoot, wearing a red camisole over jeans and looks fucking fabulous. She lets loose on Let It Rain and informs Canada that she was just shitting us about a lack of confidence earlier – she’s here to kick some ass. Again, not so much with the Amanda Marshall love here but she knocks the seams off this one. Wow.

Farley calls it “close to championship”, Sass thought it was almost too perfect, Zack is thrilled that “we got somebody who can really sing”, and Jake says she showed she can rock.

Rex is pictured amid lots of shots of his beautiful, picturesque Newfoundland home town. In case you didn’t catch it from the bio, Rex is from Newfoundland. Yep, he’s a Newfie, by gum, and proud of it. Did we mention he’s from The Rock? Rex emphasizes his Newfoundland-ness by voicing over with clenched teeth in his densest dialect. We learn that he’s a truck mechanic/driver in training, and that he had a trucker uncle also named Rex who died recently. We get touching scenes of Rex driving his uncle’s “dumbfuck” (hey, that’s what I heard) in a parade, while relatives wipe tears from their eyes. He’s presented the key to the town while he VOs that being himself is the only thing he’s really good at, and that “this is my rock”.

Rex is wearing jeans, white T-shirt and collarless cord jacket. He’s finally ditched the white hat and the resulting hat-head has been parted and flattened. As Zack points out, the style is pretty much Ashton Kucher, a couple days out from his last shower. Unfortunate facial hair: half grown-in goatee. He’s singing Born To Be Wild, a song that worked for Kalan because it was so unexpected. On the surface it would appear to be a much better fit for Rex, so when he sings it merely competently it’s a bit of a disappointment. He’s not nearly so loose as last time; the darting eyes and stiff stage manner let us know that nerves are maybe getting to him a little bit. He’s safe as houses tonight with a big fan base and a number of far worse performances, but this was kind of a yawner for me.

Sass thought it was “well-greased and oiled” and labels him a “rock star in training”. Zack calls both the Ashton look and the indecipherable accent and says he’s a lock for a record deal. Jake misses the hat, but praises the song choice. Farley praises him for being a natural.

Amber’s bio opens with a shot of toast popping in what I’m guessing is her apartment. Some unidentified woman (her sister?) nags at her about being late. They’re on the way to the law firm where Amber works as a paralegal. Her coworkers all support and applaud her. Someone has designed a poster of her in pastel colours which is shown several times. Amber explains that she became a paralegal because she felt she could make a difference in people’s lives. I know that I haven’t stopped talking about the fine job my lawyer did with land titles for us. It was just heart-warming to see everything in triplicate, and let me tell you the bill made a real difference in our lives.

Amber has a large crowd of friends that she does “almost everything” with. You don’t want to even go there. Today’s photo-op shows them mini-golfing and go-karting – seems there’s a little fun behind the bland pastel exteriors shown so far. One of her friends opines that Amber is different because she sings straight from her heart. The crew happened to catch her sister’s wedding, where Amber was maid of honour. A very cute 5 year old Amber is shown singing with her father while Dad reminisces. Amber is then shown appearing on the Tommy Hunter show, in a sort of L’il Orphan Annie Get Your Gun outfit. She’s already got a big, rich voice at 12. Her mom wishes her well. Amber feels blessed. I feel sleepy.

She’s dressed in jeans and a blue chiffon top that does nothing at all for her. Apparently the same hairstylist did her and Rex, she’s sporting the Ashton look, too. The makeup is horridly overdone. The overall effect is linebacker in drag.

The song is Possession, one of Sarah McLachlan’s songs that I’ve never been a huge fan of. Perhaps that’s why this performance doesn’t grab me in the slightest. She certainly sings it well, and she seems to get that it’s not a love song. It’s a competently executed version of the piece with nothing new added to it, but no mistakes to detract either. It’s not going to blow people away, but it will keep her safe this week.

Zack isn’t sure about the song choice, either, but compliments her on a sound that is “almost holy”. Jake says she opens her mouth and his body starts to vibrate. Once more, you don’t even want to go there, but the judges do. There’s a brief pause for some sniggering. Farley says she’s an ordinary person doing something extraordinary. Sass says it’s all about the “sacred sound”.

Hey, look, it’s Shane Wiebe in the audience! Speak, Shane, speak! He get’s a “what’s up” from Ben but no mic to reply with. Ben tosses it straight to the Palmer bio.

I get to play a little “spot the scenery” as Josh is shown cruising around Saskatoon. He pulls up in front of HEL, a music shop that’s been on Broadway for as long as I can remember. The interview segments are conducted with the Bessborough (the landmark CPR hotel in town) as backdrop. Josh says what better day gig than working in a music shop, where his job as with all musician clerks is to be cooler than the customers and let them know that in no uncertain terms. He’s shown playing guitar and goofing around on a banjo. The owner praises him as a person, a salesman and a musician in that order. He’s shown playing on various guitars as he voices over that he collects them. His favourite is a ’63 Strat. That’s a fairly seriously collectible guitar for a young musician to own.

Josh cites his Dad as being the main influence for him becoming a musician. His dad interviews that music is Josh’s only thing. We’re introduced to no family members other than those that play in his band, and no friends other than coworkers in the music shop and band members. Josh is perhaps a wee bit obsessed. The band is shown jamming to Superstition in Bud’s, a local blues club that has been a breeding ground for local talent for years. His sister who is a fair bass player enjoys playing in the band with him. Josh finishes up the vignette by saying he intends to bring a “credible thing” to the contest as musician, songwriter and singer. Did you catch that, people? Josh is a Serious Musician^tm.

Pan to the crowd where Dad Palmer holds a sign over baby sis pointing her out. Hee. Josh is wearing his second hand Sgt. Pepper coat, again. I think he’s dumped all his money into guitars. He’s grown a scraggly beard, which distracts somewhat from the scraggly teeth, so good thing. He’s got a scarf on in July for that boho look, and is once more rocking the comb-forward, the new style for the follicly challenged.

The song is Hallelujah, in much the style of one of his heroes Jeff Buckley. This is much, much better than the cat-yowling version of Elvin Bishop he did last week. There’s plenty of opportunity for glory-noting in Hallelujah, which Josh eshues for a sustained, focussed intensity. It might not be wholly original, but it’s a lot closer to original than anything else we’ve seen tonight. He has my attention from the first note, and holds it the entire time. Performance of the night, absolutely.

In case you didn’t catch the theme of the vignette, Jake reminds us that Josh is a Real Musician^tm, he lives it, he breathes it, he poops it. Farley praises his “projection of soul”. Sass says that he sang with “remarkable intensity” and that he is already a rock star. Zack says he’s never heard his demos, but that it’s a travesty that A&R guys haven’t been to Saskatoon and seen him. Dude, why do you think people move to Toronto all the time? The A&R guys don’t tour, musicians tour. Throughout all the praise, Josh has this "damn, I'm good" smirk on his face that is really calling for a brick. He's got the performances down, but he's really going to need to work on the likeable if he wants to stay in this thing much longer.

Casey lives with her parents, brother and sister in small town New Brunswick. They’re shown singing My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean in the garage. So. Sleepy. Her mom is very close. We see footage of them singing together in matching fugly floral dresses. ZzzzzzzschnARCK Whuh? Huh? Right, profile recap, I’m on it.

Casey alternates selling groceries with guiding tourists. The town got together by the world’s biggest axe, where the mayor proudly proclaims this sort of support is just the way the rural communities are. Judging by the voting results, I believe it. I'd cover more of her vignette, but honestly it would be like taking the time for a detailed description of beige.

Casey’s wearing a brown tank top over a bronze peasant-type skirt with a belt made of connected round things. Sorry, I’ve got no better description. She’s singing From This Moment. She looks great, she sounds horrible. It’s awful from the first note. It’s shakey, it’s tentative, it’s only occasionally on-key. It’s also Shania, so with this audience you’re starting 3 grades down from the get-go. She finishes with a curtsey, but she knows she sucked.

Farley kindly says that nerves are sometimes insurmountable and leaves the blood-letting to the others. Sass labels it as “very karaoke”. Zack says she’s on a short list of somebodies for a short stay in the mansion. Jake says she should just be proud for getting through it. Ouch.

And... that's it, check Shoe's summary for a description of the results show. Suffice it to say I'm not unhappy with the booting of the blonde, and am damn glad to avoid having to recap Stevie Wonder (not even the summary, sorry, the lake is calling). See you guys for the top 8, enjoy Shoebox's take on the top 9.