Thankfully, this is the last time I have to look at the 6 foot pile of smarm that is Ben Mulroney, stare him right in his puppy dog eyes and … press the pause button, so I can recap whatever horrid outfit he’s wearing. Single-breasted wine jacket in some sort of velvety fabric, white shirt, black slacks. It’s a kind of Rat Pack wannabe look, although I suspect that Dean, Sammy and co. would simply have some of their thugs toss Ben out on his rotisserie-tanned ass. After plugging the fabulousness they have planned for the finale, Ben introduces Reject Row out in the audience. Remember these people? They’re already fading into the distance for me, and I had to watch and re-watch every last moment of the suck. They’d better be using every second up until the confetti falls tomorrow night to work their connections, because Idol also-rans have a shelf life roughly the equivalent of Fantastic Four action figures. Best to at least get a big advance.

Tonight, playing the part of Jon Dore, will be Zack Werner. Zack’s in a powder blue 70s Elvis outfit complete with scarf, big belt and shades. The other judges look suitably embarrassed for him.

Sass is wearing a chartreuse shoulder shrug and a burnt orange boob basket. She looks like a decorative accessory for some not-so-wise guys hanging out at Olive Garden. Ben asks her what the top two have to do to keep their eye on the prize. Sass replies with the merry-go-round metaphor from where Ben got the phrasing for his question. Except instead of keeping an eye on the brass ring, Sass figures you should watch the horse’s ass. Well, plenty of those to go around on this show.

Farley, resplendiferous, not to mention cubic, in a brown pin-striped suit, gets queries as to why tonight is different from all other nights. Which is his cue to engage in tonight’s theme monologue, which is “gosh, this season was really great, wasn’t it kids? Lalalalala we can’t hear you complainers”.

Jake, boring as usual in blue pinstripes, is asked if he saw things “unfolding this way”. And he replies with more on the same theme, yadda yadda all the top 10 were deserving and great, jibba jabba the top two, Rex and Emily, just played the game better. “Emily”? OK, Jake, she's the seething skinnny blonde pageant queen who's been grinding her teeth all night as she stares down Mel, thinking “me, dammit, shoulda been me”. Try not to mix her up with the brunette rugby player that would haul her up short in a hurry if she tried what I think she's thinking about trying.

Next up is a montage of regional auditions and top 100 moments with the judges voicing over how they felt about their experience. It’s a lot of words and pictures but everybody says basically they enjoy the moment when they discover someone good, cool and original. If that’s the honest sentiment, they’d better rethink the process by which they get those people in front of the public, because a lot of the cool, original talent fell by the wayside in favour of all the boring, mundane, glory-noting same-ol', same-ol'. Yeah, I’m looking at you Emily, Ashley, Daryl and Casey. Even Melissa, with raw talent and charisma overshadowing all four of those combined, ain’t exactly bowling me over with the originality here.

And now is the time when we must kiss ass! Dance, monkey! Each judge takes a turn praising the wunnerful-osity of another judge. Sass always reacts instinctively, Farley is always having a great time, Jake is a man of his convictions and Zack is a rollercoaster of reality. Which are nice ways of saying that Sass is usually looped, Farley doesn’t give a shit, Jake is an uptight asshole and Zack will do whatever it takes to get more camera time.

After commercial, and an entirely unnecessary politician in the audience, we have a number of Idol rejects expounding about how much their experience has done for them. Anna Cyzon landed a job as a teevee talking head after getting bounced out of top 32 last year. I think it’s more to do with her all-round hawtness then any singing talent (which was minimal, as I recall) but as her first gig was reporting later in the same season of Idol you can’t argue that Idol been berry berry good to her. Billy Klippert, one of the only rejects to score a mainstream deal, thought Idol was a fantastic experience. Well of course he did, he only met the love of his life there. Ryan is oddly unavailable for comment, occupied as he is with being a big international megastar. Or, y’know, scanning the local paper for his old waiter gig. Tyler Hamilton claims it was an amazing opportunity for him as a singer. Which makes sense as his current gig is as a TV carpenter on a 3rd rate home reno show. That was totally due to his singing ability and carpentry skills, everyone. Honest. Women found him totally unattractive. Toad-like, really. Shane Wiebe, Theresa Sokyrka and Jason Greeley are all shopping independent CDs around with varying levels of success. Gary F. Beals – well, who really cares what old light-bulb head is up to anyways. If I had to guess, he’s slaughtering more innocent, unsuspecting pop songs. We don’t find out what Kaleb Simmonds is up to either, but he does hallmark that nobody loses, everyone wins for “attacking their fears”. Toya Alexis is shown but remains silent – still bitter, I suspect.

Theresa doesn’t get too much interview time, because she’s up next to perform Turned My Back, a song we’ve heard plenty of times here in Saskatchewan but I suspect is new to most of the country. It’s a dreadfully earnest folky confessional that sounds like it was penned by a sophomore in the college coffee-shop, and probably should have stayed there. It’s lovely to hear her sing, though, and she quickly reminds us of why she did so well last year. She’s simply more effortlessly musical than most of this year’s crop, and certainly more skilled as well. She’s also skinnier than any of them. My homegirl looks positively skeletal. Honestly, Ashley and Daryl are both in the audience yelling, “girlfriend, eat a sandwich”. Amber is assuring them that she has several in her purse, along with some leftover pizza and a box of Oreos. Melissa is thinking, “yeah, she sings OK but if I tackle her she’ll fold like a cheap suit”.

Ben hauls his velvet-covered ass out to the stage to present Theresa with a gold record for These Old Charms. I swear they’ve swapped Theresa out for some SNL cast member who’s doing a parody. Every head-bob, aw-shucks mannerism and thank-yooouuu seems amplified – it’s like she spent the last year perfecting the most annoying parts of her personality while studiously avoiding food. She departs with some folksy wisdom about continuing to learn from your parents and avoiding getting cocky, and at long last it’s time to get down to the business of gettin’ down. Well, inasmuch as middle-class Canadian teenagers can get down.

Ben introduces our contenders. He asks Melissa if she thought she’d make it this far when she auditioned. Melissa says no, as she auditioned fresh off the basketball courts. She’s so cute she actually sells the line “dang, I stink”. Rex claims he can’t wrap his head around the whole role-model gig, but says he’s glad people are on-board with him and Melissa being real. It’s important to avoid counterfeit Idol contestants, people. Always look for the little holographic “I heart fame” tattoos on their ass. Anything else is a cheap Taiwanese knock-off. And at that we launch into a montage of Rex and Melissa’s triumphs set to The Show Must Go On. Because Rex and Melissa have so much in common with a dying gay rock legend.

The judges have picked Angel of the Morning for Melissa. Jake interviews that it is somewhat challenging but will “let her shine”. In other words, step it up sister or this song will kick your ass. Zack says the song’s melancholy fits with her persona and the songs she’s picked so far. Translation: she’s picked boring semi-country shit before, here, have some more of the same. Sass says the song will show off her “sparkling, pop princess” side. Farley praises her ability to emote but doesn’t say why this particular song is a fit for her. So she’s a shiny, sparkly, yet melancholy princess in need of a challenge that will let her emote. But I say she’s a fun kid who has no need for another tired old pop ballad retread. Can’t we give her something written after she was born that has a little life left in it?

Melissa looks pretty good tonight, in jeans and a black lacy top with cap sleeves and a bit of décolletage. Of course that’s not quite cricket for CTV and a 17 year old, so she spends most of this performance framed from the shoulders up. She seems pretty tight to me tonight, and although it sounded pretty good on first viewing, on repeat viewing a lot of this song is pretty shaky and she’s having some pitch control problems. She has a few lovely moments when she can put a little power into it and get past the nerves, but overall this is not one of her best.

Jake comments on the shakiness but says that by the end of it, he’ll never forget her name again. Farley comments on her ability to emote and says she should have big-screen TVs when she performs so that people can see her eyes. With her good looks, expressive features and easy charisma, I think Melissa could have an acting career if the singing thing doesn’t pan out. Sass loved the sparkly tones in her lower register and called the switch into the higher register “amazing”. I wasn’t thinking so much “amazing” as “good save” but I do agree that when she is on, she’s got all kinds of lovely tone in her voice. I expect it sounds a lot better live than over my tinny TV speakers, too. Jon cries into his handkerchief and calls it “really nice”.

Rex gets the Idol single, Alive, first. He’s dressed to rock in distressed jeans, orange T, suede jacket and of course his stupid white hat. Two things strike me about this performance: first, is that Rex, never an A student, at least has really brought his B game tonight. Second is that Alive doesn’t suck much. There’s not an original bone in it’s body, it’s a mid-tempo soft-verse hard-chorus rocker driven by chunk-chunk power chords in eighths, so pretty much like 80% of what passes for rock on the radio, but it’s a serviceable tune and the lyrics don’t stray too far into the puppy dogs and rainbows of idol songs past. “I want to run with a reckless emotion” is a good enough line that I actually remember it. So colour me surprised. Anyways, Rex is as surprised as any of us to receive an actual decent song to work with, and performs the hell out of it, as best as his abilities will let him. I’m starting to be a little worried for Melissa, as it wasn’t until Rex kicked the crap out of this that I realize her performance was not really good enough to win … good thing for Mel that Rex sucked on so many other nights, I think Melissa won this thing on good will held over from earlier in the season.

Farley acknowledges that this is the best Idol song, ever, and says that Rex sang it like he wrote it himself. Sass says he just kicked Canada’s collective butt. Zack retracts his earlier statement about Rex’s profound inability to sing, and offers him a record deal. Too late, Mr. Werner, Sony/BMG own whatever limited singing abilities he has. Jake calls it his best performance ever. Hmm. Well, I think that After The Rain is still the high water mark for Rex. But he certainly came ready to play tonight, despite all his later protestations that he’s all cool with Melissa winning and everything.

Melissa’s song choice is Broken Wing by Martina McBride. She’s changed into a more boring outfit, to match this even more boring song. It’s an unflattering blue smocky thing over grey slacks. She’s a lot more confident with this performance, probably because this is a more familiar song. I expect the O’Neil family shower has been treated to many renditions of Martina McBride songs. As with the first number, it starts out a little shaky but as soon as she finds her footing she’s away. I’m no expert on the technical aspects of singing but I also suspect that some more time with a good vocal coach will take the shakiness right out of that lower register, it’s probably some sort of breathing thing. The choruses are all strong and beautiful but overall I just can’t get into this song. As I’m nodding off I note the gorgeous tone and expressiveness and all but … dayum, she really needs to pick better songs.

Sass rewinds and repeats her gush over the first performance. Zack says his favourite moment of her was when she was all sweaty from basketball practice, which is just all kinds of ick. I mean, I know there must be a ton of fanfic out there by now but I really don’t want to hear about it, especially not from some middle-aged schmuck. He goes for the save by continuing “… and I thought you were some kind of hip-hop chick”. He says it was really good (the performance, not the sweaty 17 year old high school girl) but that it’s not close to what it will be 5 years from now when she’s selling multi-platinum. Jake thought it was technically good but a bit boring and whattayaknow for once I’m with Jake. If nothing else, the man knows from boring. As usual when Mel gets a negative comment, she unselfconsciously scratches her head on national TV. Hee: no matter how good or bad she sings, you gotta like this kid. Farley says he loves watching her tell the story.

At this point, we take a break for a montage of outtakes/bloopers from the comedy bits Jon and Ben this year, set to He Ain’t Heavy. It’s a 5 minute reminder of how funny Jon isn’t. Ben throws to Rex, singing his song choice Bulletproof.

Rex is wearing the same jeans, but has glammed it up a little with a white T-shirt under a jean shirt, and his Ballad Hair (thanks, Shoe). He’s all serious and everything, sitting on a stool and singing into the cameras whenever he can. He’s too much the good shit to go for the eye-boink yet. I think it will be a gauge of how far Rex slips into rawk stardom over the next year. I’m counting on you fans to report eye-boink incidences, and we can possibly chart them against trashed hotel rooms and heartbroken groupies in some sort of 3D PowerPoint presentation entitled “Goudie: from regular guy to ragin’ rawker”. Ahem. Anyways, for now he’s his own self-effacing mechanic dude. As before with Blue Rodeo, the song hits right in his vocal sweet spot and he’s able to do a serviceable, even affecting job of the song. He’s upped his game to a solid A- here, and at this point I’m thinking “shit, if he sang this well the whole season we probably wouldn’t think Mel stood a chance”. Of course, that’s why we have a whole season. If it were down to one song, we’d be handing Amber the trophy for Bonnie Rait Idol.

Zack meanders semi-coherently about Rex’s lack of lower register, honesty in presenting the song and concludes that he is exactly who he is. Rex is considerably relieved, because for a moment there he got confused with season 1 and thought he was Garry F. Beals. Lord knows that’s a nightmare none of us need. Jake thought Blue Rodeo was good choice, and thought he did a good job despite the hat head. Farley finds he’s presenting himself in a more mature way that will broaden his appeal. Sass is surprised and says essentially, “I thought you were going to suck, but then you didn’t”. Which pretty much sums up my opinion of him tonight.

Melissa comes back out for the final time tonight. She’s wearing a bustiérre that is the exact shade of Royal Blue Mountain Equipment Coop sells a lot of their gear in. I’m thinking, who needs a Gore-tex piece of lingerie? She’s topped it with another stupid plaid shoulder shrug, presumably to avoid the Himalayan hiker/hooker look, and the whole mess is overtop of jeans. It actually looks not bad, and the bustiérre is flattering for her. She’s giving her version of Alive. I think this is where she finally won it, if it wasn’t already won from previous shows. In direct comparison with Rex’s version the difference in vocal talent is startling. She’s not quite so energetic, but way more expressive. She finishes with a very nice shout-out to the songwriter.

Jake says she’s never looked better, and that despite a shaky moment or two it was a really good version. Farley said it was a true testament to the song that it held up well in both versions. He also praises her ability to put a lot of energy into the vocal effortlessly. I think it would be better if she put more physical energy into it. Sass and Zack both eschew commentary to make pronouncements – Sass says “that’s a hit song and you’re a hit singer” and Zack claims the headlines will read “the king is dead, long live the queen”.

Sass says that they picked Superman by Five for Fighting to avoid the areas where Rex really can’t sing. Well, she expresses it more positively but that’s the basic idea. Jake said Rex was happy to get it because it’s a “hockey song, man!” Farley reiterates that they picked a song that wasn’t going to “challenge his weaknesses”. In other words, they’re doing their best to let him not suck. Zack said they picked it because it was “really new” (well, sorta new) and that was where he saw Rex’s career going, making current music.

Rex has got the whole Ballad Outfit out to go along with the Ballad Hair. He’s standing quietly at the mike and delivering a song that is, as the judges said, a very good match for his abilities. I’m fairly flabbergasted, this is the third very strong performance in a row for Rex. I frankly never imagined that he would finish this strong. He may even be trainable, if he decides that he’s serious about this whole singing thing. Who knows, after a year of dealing with music industry bullshit he may just go back to school and wrenching tractors in his spare time. For now, he did the best job he could and I thought it was pretty good. Mind you, if you close your eyes and ignore all the easy charisma coming across the screen, you’re still stuck with a voice that technically wouldn’t get him past the auditions for a high school musical. But you can’t have everything. He hit most of the notes and delivered it, as Zack says, with honesty and passion and that counts for something.

Farley says he doesn’t want to say they’re surprised, but Rex has “really risen to the occasion”. In other words, they were surprised. Sass says it’s not just about talent, it’s about heart and soul. Zack is all warm and fuzzy because it’s one of the favourite songs in his house. Jake says that because of that performance, the judges look really good. Implying that before tonight, they did not. Diss!

Shoe will be around to cover the finale, hopefully, and I might add a comment or two. Hope you enjoyed our work this season.