We open outside the Toronto Convention Centre. There are screaming fans, and there's a red carpet. Oy. Why does it not surprise me that the Idol producers would be totally comfortable staging their finale as a mini-Oscar telecast? All that's missing is Joan Rivers.

Which is possibly, I muse as the Bottom Eight come spilling across slapping fan fives in an odd combination of awards night and Super Bowl, kind of a shame at that. She could ask Manoah why she still hasn't bought a bra, for instance. And probe the mystery of how Kaleb's tonsorial hero came to be the Jim Carrey character in Dumb and Dumber. And then she and Jason could smarm at each other for awhile, and I could go into the kitchen for a popcorn refill.

Then when I got back she'd be trying to cope with Jacob, who would be eyeing her over the tops of those rhinestone sunglasses. Hee. I've been wishing lately we could keep him around as a sort of Rent-a-Rebel, y'know?

Deputy Minister: Our predecessors have left us with no choice but to break key campaign promises. We believe that the majority of our constituents understand that in order to secure and maintain our current quality of life…

Jacob: [gives him a wet-willie] I can feel my quality of life raising just thinking about it.

So eventually we get inside, and - as is beginning to feel as inevitable as that moment in Titanic when the boat sinks - there's Benedict. Bright, enthusiastic, bearing a strong resemblance to a badly painted plaster Elvis in a downtown convenience-store window, you know the drill. Oh, and there's Billy behind him, looking very much like somebody shoved him there ten seconds before showtime.

Your Top Ten, Canada! In the grand (and somehow very Canuck) CI finale tradition of Let's See if We Can Get It Right This Time, our first medley is Rock/British Invasion.

Josh kicks us off. Josh, as it turns out, will in a rather inexplicable burst of producer nostalgia be kicking off nearly every single medley we see tonight. I mean, I do realise that if Kalan and Jacob hadn't happened...and of course Theresa...and Kaleb and Shane...and, um, Jason...anyhow, at some random point in the past Sleepsincar was being heavily pimped as Idol favourite, I do recall that clearly...but, Jailhouse Rock? When he can't even remember the words to the ruddy chorus? Good thing Kaleb has his back - this will be another big theme tonight, Kaleb and the unexpected - or my eyes might be permanently rolled back into my head.

Meantime girls are flipping all over my screen (I couldn't help discreetly checking to see if Kalan had charge of one, but no such luck) and then suddenly we're at the sock hop. It's all about twice as goofy as last year's Candida-lifting, but somehow with this gleefully self-aware crew it doesn't matter. It's like Idol as written by Kevin Williamson.

Girl group! Elena and Theresa (the latter in a red plaid belted top that looks very much like a rejected costume for the SCTV Idol parody) lead on Only Wanna Be with You, Manoah and Brandy - who I note are getting to be, ahem, rather hard to tell apart - on harmony and/or cutesy hand flips as required.

"Tempted by the fruit of another..."...and if there are any campy possibilities whatsoever inherent in his singing that line, Kalan is as usual serenely ignoring them. He's back in his comfort zone generally in re: group sings, ie. the group is once again big enough to almost hide him checking his choreography against everybody else's feet, and visibly not being happy with the results. I am struck afresh by how easy he will be to market to AI fans in the States. "It's John Stevens, only with talent! And coping mechanisms! Oh, and a violin!"

Odd choice of bridging music here. Every time those steam jets - steam jets! Is Candida sitting atop one? - anyway, everytime they go off I become paralysed with fear they're about to launch into Ice Ice Baby. "Oh, they'd never, " Shoemom protests. "Forgotten Jason's performances that quickly, have we?" "Oh, hush."

Jacob takes a second crack at Queen - Under Pressure - and it's all very Jacob, and stuff, until into the frame dances...whoa, hey! Rogue Shane-bot! He's got the mange! Somebody page Will Smith!...Oh, false alarm, it's just our Mr. Weibe with nothing to lose again. Kid really doesn't have a 'medium' setting, as it turns out. Either that, or the falsetto shorts out something on the hard drive.

On the other hand, it could just be something in their community water supply. What follows is something that really needs to be watched to be truly appreciated; I guarantee you it was on fansites across the nation immediately they went to commercial. They're just flinging themselves into the Mercury with wild abandon, each feeding off the other's crazy, totally ansd absolutely fearless, and it's...it's...oh who cares what it is vocally, it's the single most hilarious segment of any Idol show ever, is what it is. Seriously. I am speaking as someone who was there when Paula told Clay Mack the Knife wouldn't make him sound like a lounge singer. Then they pull out a We [Heart] Abbotsford banner - why not? - and my heart officially melts all over both boys once and for all. Damn, Shane, if you'd only pulled out the vocal equivalent of this moment on the first show, I'd've dropped all prior commitments and voted for you every night until my fingers fell off.

More steam (hee!) and Brandy and Manoah team up for a version of Sisters (Are Doin' it For Themselves) that is clearly supposed to be a rousing showstopper, and…isn't. I dunno what's going wrong here exactly; the vocals are fine, but the whole just ain't happening. That Schoolhouse Rock song about suffrage had more instinctive verve than this. Maybe it's the context. Couple decades ago, the automatic grrrl-power response woulda been "Yay! You go girls!". Nowadays, it's more along the lines of "Oh, so you're the ones responsible for Jessica Simpson, huh?"

While the rest of the contestants play the von Trapp family behind him (tick…tock...tick...), some not-immediately-recognisable husky with dimples sends us off with a cool, raspy, truly rockin' Johnny B. Goode...huh? Jason? Is that you? What, the aliens finally let you go and took the pod-person back? The do'rag was hiding the lobotomy scars, and they've just now gotten around to hooking the musical-taste receptors back up?...Oh, wait, he's still wearing That Jacket. Yup, it's our Sultan of Smarm alright…but, y'know, there are circs under which smarm can be forgiven. Whatever vocal epiphany you've had between then and now, my man, it just got majorly validated. Until of course Benedict waves you all off to a rousing ovation, looks back, and you're still there. Don't push it, Greeley.

Special correspondents - aka rejectees from the Top 32, and - whoa! Willie! "I was in the Top 100 of Canadian Idol," he bleats. I'm surprised he's still alive, honestly, because you just know he's been following his friends, family and co-workers around bleating that all summer. "I made it to the Top 100, you know. Really. After they let the 55 go? That was me in there."

Meantime, Jerrica is still pretty, Ted is still 47, Constant is still smirking, Mark is still very, very gay, and Brock is, uh, taller, which should impress the ducklings quite a lot. OK, it actually also impresses a few female audience members, but I just happened to have my fingers in my ears and be chanting lalaLAAAAA very loudly at that moment. Oopsie.

They all actually do a pretty nice job of finding people with cogent reasons for their choices, a surprising number of which are Theresa. I expect the Kalanadians flew into rages when Theresa's name was mentioned and chased the camera crews down the street shredding film with their teeth and so they couldn't use that footage anyhow.

Ben makes what will be the first of several futile attempts to convince us that everyone is waiting for the results ‘with bated breath'…including, as it turns out, people in Dallas, TX. Really. "Good luck, y'all!" I have no idea. Neither do I know where they found the Aussies or the Canadian family on vacation in Tokyo. But they all seem like really nice people anyway.

Also there are a couple actual celebs with their breath semi-bated too, and to my intense relief none of them is Ashley MacIsaac. Hawksley Workman turns out to be a fan, or at least not averse to having a camera shoved into his face after pub night. Lionel Richie checks in from what looks like that same damn piano. "Hang in there!"

Ray Romano does an absolutely hysterical cameo ‘from the set of Everybody Loves Raymond', which should give the folks at CanWest Global a few chuckles. He announces that his sons are a little upset their favourite isn't there, but they're not gonna let it spoil the fun. Cue sons with huge curtain rings hanging off their lips. Perfect. I would give many, many dollars to have a camera cut to Jacob's face right about then.

Hey, they made the Bottom Eight say good luck? Either this crew really is the warmest and fuzziest in Idol history or that sand is extremely hot and they're not allowed to go in swimming until they say it.

Judges. Are…not all here! Two years I've been working on that joke, and it finally pays off. Yes, kids, in a daring bid either to have and maintain a life or put those Simon-wannabe remarks to rest once and for all - or quite possibly both - our Zack is at home celebrating Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Awwwww. Mr. Werner, if I may be permitted the vernacular for a moment, I always knew you were a total mensch.

Meantime, back at the Ikea chairs…Jake in black business casual, how proud are you of this top two? Jake goes into the standard speech about we knew it from the start, yada yada. "Thanks, guys, for making us look good." Yeah, no kidding, Gold.

Farley in very sleek white suiting, do you think these are the two best? Sigh. No, Benedict, he thinks Josh and Manoah are, obviously. As has become his habit, Farley skips the host drivel and instead launches into a little rant about how the industry needs to recognize what's going on here, how they're finding the talent. I dunno…but if anybody can convince, it's this crew.

Sass - in elbow-length Madame X black satin gloves? Hey, why not? - will the winner be able to break through internationally? Ben, I've told you before about interesting questions and Ms. Jordan, haven't I? "If they continue to blossom and grow [like eidelweiss?]…absolutely." Sigh. Hurry back, Zack.

Journey of a Lifetime Part I: The Video Evidence, Except Not. How down-home wholesome are our Top Two? Both were shoved into auditioning by their families, and both were really afraid of letting them down, and I believe all of this absolutely. Especially given the shots of Kalan in line looking very much like his idea for this particular day probably involved wakeboarding instead.

Auditions. Gush gush gush gush gush. Zack tells an impossibly excited-looking Theresa - in that paisley horror I was hoping never to have to see again - she's the best he's ever seen, and a shyly-grinning Kalan that he has ‘a very good shot at winning this thing.' (For some reason the version of Sass giving Kalan his ticket is aways less hyperdramatic than the version that made it on-air originally. Do they reshoot these things? That'd explain a lot.)

And so it began. For all those of you wondering why quite a few of our young auteurs here didn't show up much on the audition shows, despite having been judicial Chosen Ones from the outset: We learn that Theresa's delusions of gritty grandeur started early as she is shown absolutely butchering, of all things, Try for her first solo. "My worst performance ever ever ever," she VOs in a tone that indicates lifetime scarring, because Rock Night hadn't happened yet. "I was totally convinced I was gone." Shots of both she and Kalan looking quite genuinely sorry for departing competitors who are not, in fact, them.

Then we finally get to hear Kalan's take on his much more infamous boot-camp blowout: "I got one line of When a Man... out and then I just went blank...I thought I was, like, condemning everyone in the [results] room when I came in…when we got into the rooms I was talking to Jacob and Shane, and they said they screwed up too, so...We all figured, yeah, we were gone." So - counting Kaleb - about half of the eventual top ten, and all of the consensus Big Finds, turned out to be risky judicial gambles that paid off. No wonder they've been preening themselves lately.

In the place where whoops and leaps of joy at learning he's safe should be, we get Kalan standing around looking about as hysterically thrilled as a housewife who's just defeated waxy yellow buildup. Eventually Zack comes up and sort of hugs him. Honestly, this kid is where Star Search Moments go to die.

"And now…the fly to my soup…the itch to my scratch…Mr. Jon Dore!" Yes, folks, it's Journey of a Lifetime Part II: The Benedict'n'Zany Show. Oh, God, why? No, I mean seriously, why, Lord? Poor little Kalan is probably backstage hearing this intro and considering atheism right now. About the only way this could be made even remotely palatable is if…

…they scored it with the Littlest Hobo theme. Plus, at one point, Ben plants his face in a snowdrift. Heh. Sorry for doubting you, Big Guy.

Back onstage, where a leather-jacketed Kalan is heading out for some one-on-one time with Our Host. Whose hands are thankfully nowhere near the curls. I mean, really, this inspires me with a sense of deep, visceral relief.

Anyhow…so, Kalan, we've watched you grow up on this stage, from this shy buffalo ‘farmer' (oh, great, Benedict, there's half a province will never watch E-talk again…) into - he visibly struggles for an adjective here - The Man. Which would all be a whole lot more convincing if The Man wasn't clutching his opposite elbow like he's afraid it'll fall off otherwise, so Ben hurriedly segues into the Q & A.
"Were you excited to realise you were in the final two?"
"Yes, also honoured to be there with Theresa, so, shrug, yeah." Heh. Chuckle.
Get real comfortable with that particular series of mannerisms, folks, I have the awful feeling we're witnessing an unofficial trademark in the making.
"Are you nervous, or do you feel ready for what might be ahead?"
"Yeah [shrug], I'm nervous, but I'm ready, so [chuckle]."
Ah, eighteen. I am so not nostalgic for it right now.

OK then! On to Medicine Hat! Local Newscaster Lady informs us that four thousand people started lining up at noon for the 8:00 show. Yep, I'm thinking a lot of buffalo are going hungry tonight. Kalan contrives to look enormously flattered and as if he's trying to find a tactful way to announce he's moving to Outer Mongolia all at the same time. What the kid can't do with those eyes.

Introducing Kevin, Kalan's best buddy from practically birth. Erm. Evidently Kalan is the brains of the outfit, here. Kevin looks very much like he's auditioning for the part of Garth in the remake, let's put it that way. Anyhow, Kevin solemnly tells the story of how Kalan once broke both wrists snowboarding (ooh, an extreme-sports violinist. Bet that goes over big with the parental units…) and still managed to make an important competition two weeks after the casts came off. OK, I'm impressed. Then Kevin, rather charmingly tells Kalan ‘thank you for allowing me to speak on your behalf…we love you and we miss you, buddy.' Kalan murmurs ‘Thank you' several times into the mic a la facing the judges, then fervently thanks his ‘great city' for the support. Sheez. It's Little Idol on the Prairie around here.

Yo, there's Laura coming now. Actually, of course, it's Theresa, and boy is she excited and thrilled and stuff, in her own inimitable Theresa-esque fashion. Benedict tries to convince us that this is shocking, given her usual ‘calm'. Benedict spends the entire hour each week checking out hot chicks in the audience, of this I am now convinced. Meantime, this hot-ish chick is also deadly hoarse. This is about where I started wondering if it would be wrong to pray for her to lose.

Are you having fun, Theresa? "Oh, I can't begin to express it! It truly has been the best experience of my life!" Oops, there she goes. I'm pretty sure there aren't any pockets for a hanky in those capris, either. It was your sister convinced you to audition, right? Yes, yes it was. Shot of big sis in audience, demonstrating the two-for-one deal the siblings got at Lenscrafters last year, and oh yeah, looking thrilled.

So is Saskatoon. Local Newscaster Guy turns out to be one of those local newscasters who took the gig only after the comedy-club thing didn't work out. "Coast to coast, she's the most!" Well, it's probably better than Ben could come up with on the spur of the moment. "I just found out ‘Sokyrka' is Ukranian for ‘biggest votegetter in the village!' Heh. Yeah. You finished now, Local Newscaster Guy? Good.

We meet ‘a close family friend', whose name I still cannot make out after repeated viewings - Ksenia? - who looks very, very friendly, and despite strict instructions ‘not to make her cry' tells the heartwarming story of how little ten-year-old Theresa forced her family to sit down and held them hostage ‘for hours' with her guitar - which she didn't know how to play at this point, mind you - and a song. "Every time we tried to go there'd be another verse…" No, really, it's enormously heartwarming, thirteen years later. Twenty-five, and it'll be a stone riot. Anyway, Theresa's heart is warmed to overflowing, and there's virtual hugs flying everywhere. Phew.

Journey of a Lifetime Part III: The Top 32. "It never really seemed like we were competing against each other," Kalan demurs. "The competition was all within," Theresa agrees. Uh-huh. I wouldn't mind getting their competition's thoughts right about here.

Kalan was just happy to have some measure of control again. "I'm not real big on winging it…" Yeah. Also, the sky is blue. Shot of Byrd telling him to ‘put a face on the song…sing to someone.' Hey, more Idol irony! At any rate he made it through and Ben made him stay onstage and he quite clearly hated every minute of it. Whereas now, Ben doesn't have to actually make him stay there. So, y'know, progress.

Theresa, meantime, got through the semis by pretending she was at a jazz club jamming with the pianist. This is all enormously engaging, as is her choky VO re: the "I voted for [somebody else]…" pins that group wore for each other. (Future Trivial Pursuit answer: Hers said Jerrica.) Shot of nobody at all except Theresa looking shocked when she's called through with the most votes. Basically, if the singing gig doesn't pan out, there's always a walk-on in that Waltons reunion movie. ("Theresa Lou, will you please put down that damn guitar and go to sleep already!!")

CD-clips! Only…right, no CD. Damn. Ah well, at least we'll always have the memories…

Josh (see?) Iris. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…OK, OK, it remains his best all-round effort, and will undoubtedly be included on the CD he's so obviously desperate to secure. Keep up with those long notes, mi amigo, and it'll come eventually. Or, alternatively, keep pointing at people in the audience, and eventually a record exec will think you mean him.

Manoah, Hallelujah. Aka living example of valid reason no.1 why serious musicians are chary of clearing their songs for Idol. As I said at the time, if you can't move an audience with this song…

Brandy, Nobody's Supposed to Be Here, which she performs without a trace of irony. Or hair products, come to think of it. Y'know, she has really pretty hair under there. Also an uber-cool gospel sound. I wonder if that was trapped under the hair products too?

Kaleb, Hound Dog. Heh. I'd forgotten how much fun this was, even with the hair throwing me off. That's not bald-spot-paint, is it? Anyhow, very real, very melismatic, very love it or hate it. Of all the group here tonight, Kaleb probably gets off the most pure ‘Hey, music world, take a chance on me!' moments.

Elena, Mary Jane. Which was an entirely lovely performance the last two times mostly because it was so well-controlled. So naturally she gets up here now and starts whaling away on it like she's literally just been told there's no tomorrow, for her career at least. Elena, Elena, Elena…Ah well, she's too pretty not to be a Star anyway. We got your Asian Beyonce right here, record execs. Just make sure you're willing to shell out for the Ritalin.

Shane, The Way I Feel. Masterful. Does one of the undisputed highlights of the season proud. Even if Shoemom does "keep expecting a Broadway set to materialise around him any minute." He's the clear winner of the Karen-Lee Memorial Voter Raspberry.

Jason, Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting. Wherein he demonstrates he's finally got the words right, also heads into the audience attempting to press some judicial flesh. Then he jumps up and down. Well…that was a short-lived epiphany.

Jacob, Everything. I am starting to hear some minor limitations in this performance, ie. it's a power ballad. We've heard him emote it once, we've heard it pretty much for life. But hey…

Dan Rather: "I sincerely believed those documents were genuine…"

Jacob: [gives him a wet-willie]

Ahhhhhhh.

Gary Beals is among those applauding wildly. Given that he's just watched eight people exude more talent and coolness than he'll ever possess in this lifetime or the next, I'm not altogether shocked.

Introducing Ryan Malcolm! his band! his apparently severely mediocre songwriting skills! and the all-but-literal huge giant albatross around his neck! I can just imagine him collaring Kalan backstage and croaking Nevermore...wait, wrong poetic harbinger of awful Fate.

At any rate, here's hoping both of this year's hopefuls awoke sadder and wiser for watching their predecessor's performance. Not that it's, y'know, bad or anything... just that there's no momentum happening here at all. Not even of the hometown-hero-returns variety. Gary Beals and His Heavenly Homegirls had a more convincing Star aura than this man does right now. It's not a bang, it's barely even a whimper. It's all enough to make even the most rabid Jacob fan start to wonder if level-headed reserve is such a bad quality in an Idol after all. At least it means I can have confidence that Kalan will never wind up yelping "Thank youuuuuu soooo much!!" a good ten seconds before the audience starts applauding.

Never mind, Benedict still believes in our Idol! Of course, on the available evidence Benedict also still believes in the Tooth Fairy, but hey. How does Ryan feel about returning to this stage? Like not much has changed, I'm assuming. Does he have any words of wisdom for this year's hopefuls? "Look, Mulroney, I managed not to throttle the [bleep] out of the little girlie [bleep], whaddaya want?" he snarls before stomping offstage. OK, outside his fervent heartfelt desires he also says something diplomatic about enjoying the moment...then slinks back into the night, probably in search of either wedding guests or Jack Daniels, whichever he collides with first.

Medley II: Canadian Hits. Or, more accurately, medley of People Who Aren't Currently on My Hit List For Not Being Good Sports and Clearing Their Songs, as per Jake in an interview the next day. He doesn't name names, but by process of elimination it becomes fairly obvious. Thanks a lot, most of my very favourite bands in the whole world. Would it have killed you to remember back when you were struggling...[thinks back to the pointing Up! business during this medley last year...]...Oh, right [sigh]. Fine. As soon as I get over not hearing Kalan singing Call and Answer, or Jacob snarling New Orleans is Sinking, I'll probably forgive you.

(That's another anticipatory delight in re: the Top Three this year, come to think of it: no whining about how little respect they're getting from the music Establishment. Kalan will be upset but will valiantly ignore it and move on, Theresa won't stop telling it how honoured she is until it gives in, and Jacob will give it a wedgie.)

Anyhow, somewhere among all the subtext, there is quite a lot of decent singing. And no pointing. I do think I need to pause here and pat the choreographers on the head for that.

A not-Josh person - oh, hi, Brandy, didn't see you down there - kicks us off with Looks Like We Made It, again wholly irony-free. I do have to give the woman her props; I'm not at all sure I'd've been able to resist the temptation. Especially since she then has to lead Theresa to the front.

One lovely Sorkyrkan solo later, Josh launches into Carefree Highway, and after a few seconds Kalan joins him; the whole scene unremarkable except as a neat little object lesson as to why he's the curly-headed Canadian Idol and Sleepsincar isn't. And damned if the kid isn't doing it in an authentic cowboy hat! Best season of any Idol ever? Right at the moment, hell yes.

Girl group! I'm Like a Bird. Manoah provides a surprisingly decent - ie. I'm practically not even noticing the butt-ugly saggy brown top - lead-in to Elena and co.'s equally fun twittery chorus. "She reminds me of that...y'know, that girl who sings on all the Disney movies?" Shoemom puzzles. "Lea Salonga?" I reply resignedly. "Yes! That's it! She should really see if those animation people need anybody new."

This segues into Shane singing a vaguely familiar…Blue Rodeo, right? Wait, don't tell me…Bulletproof! Oh, so that's how it's supposed to be sung. Heh. Thank you, Shane-bot, for at least erasing a few more of my Muppet-memories. Reason no. 58945 why I love this year's Top 10: Elena actually performing Shane singing to her, oh-no-you-won't-get-off-that-easily expression and all.

Kaleb, in no way repentant for any previous Idol misdeeds, struts his way through Sundown. I am viscerally horrified the first go-round, on the second admit it's starting to grow on me…and at the third, just give up and enjoy a brilliant performance. "Sundown, you better take care/if I find you've been creepin' round/ my back stair…" How can this not be a rap song? (Reason no.58946: he has his homegirls in the background and everything. And Theresa is one of them.) Even Lightfoot's Reanimated Corpse, freshened up considerably for the occasion I note, is beaming. Relevance is fun! Good on ya, both of you.

The Weight. Oh, my. For some reason I feel like writing CTV an email thanking them for making one of my fondest wishes for Canadian Hits Night come true after all. Then of course Jason starts singing, and I stop mentally typing. But hell…he was born to sing this song. So was Jacob. So were they all. Kalan catches the camera catching him all loose and enjoying the moment and swerves his face out of range. The whole just turns into one long step-back-and-realise-what-we've-got-here appreciation. At the end, everyone's arms are around everyone else, the judges are stomping and whistling. The Reanimated Corpse of Lightfoot is stomping and whistling. Daniel Nestor is stomping and whistling, for the love of pete. If this group doesn't tour I may have to send that email after all, albeit slanted a little differently.

Journey of a Lifetime, Part IV: the Top Ten. "You've made it through the top 155, and everything else, and then you get here and realise…it's all about a hundred times more so," Theresa VOs with awe over shots of them arriving onstage for the first night. Shots of Kalan's lesser moments - including that one wonderful reaction closeup of the Sad Raccoon Eyes - as he explains a little sheepishly that the judges didn't drool over everything he did. (Dread Lord Clive: Yes, sadly, we're stll working out the kinks in the brainwashing techniques…)

There are no shots of Theresa screwing up, but then again she gets the big bottom two moment. With Jason, whom she confesses to being ‘really close' to, which undoubtedly sets the seventh-grade rumour-mill a-churning yet again. Both agree that the hardest part of all was watching the others go, and how glad they are to be there with each other. Shots of the others going. I am fully cognizant of the fact I'm supposed to be all sad and stuff here, unfortunately somehow watching Shane and his endlessly repeated Frowny Faces parade by is just making me giggle madly.Underneath it all I'm well and truly touched, I swear.

Share the Land, aka possibly the most 70's song ever written in Canada with the possible exception of Seasons in the Sun. Ouch, flashbacks. One sec…

Terry Jacks: Hi.

Jacob: [gives him a wet-willie]

Much better. As I was saying…repeatedly…Josh leads us off. Then Theresa gets a chorus. Then Kalan unexpectedly gets handed a second verse, as my colleague noted, that hits right in the middle of his vocal comfort zone. Newsflash: Kid can sing. Then everybody gets a chorus, and Brandy gets another highly convincing gospel bit. And Shane scats! And it's all just…nice, in that nice mellow 70's way. Like…nice, man. At least, until Kalan's mic kicks out at the big climactic moment. Ah well. It's still nice.

Journey of a lifetime, Part V: the Judges Speak…

On Kalan's audition:

"First thing we thought is, this guy looks really young…like a shaking leaf [well, it's better than a volcano, at any rate]…the combination of being terrified, and the freedom to realise it didn't really matter, that's what I [Zack] love about him …to take ownership of that song like that, at his age…that's why I [Farley] said what I did." About winning the competition, that is. As it turns out, it wasn't just Jake, it was the entire chorus line. No wonder they edited/reshot most of it.

On Theresa's:

"She has this sweetness…her physical presence…this openness that I [Zack] loved, just her standing there…her expressiveness…" Shot of Sass triumphantly announcing the difference between ‘a musician and…all the rest of them," in a tone that makes me think it was probably a really long judicial day, out there on the prairies. Zack repeats his now-famous assessment in re: the best I've seen.

On Kalan's performances:

Farley: Born to Be Wild (interesting shot of it from the judges' perspective) was the first time he really got out there and belted, did the movements. A big step.

Sass: When you listen to Paint it Black…I love the phrasing. So skilful, for his age. That's the sign of a great musician.

Jake: I went home after the Canadian Railroad Trilogy and played it over and over just to hear his part…that's when he really got inside of me.

Zack: I liked Big Band…those songs that let him playact someone much older and more experienced. He's got that old-soul quality…I'm looking forward to hearing him when he just doesn't care. Because in order to rock out, you just have to not care. And that's hard, in competition.

Whereupon Kalan comes out and proceeds to nail Nature Boy all over again, and I am totally aglow with warm fuzzies… except for the cardboard Kalan-cutout in the audience, which I am suddenly filled with an irrational urge to destroy. Maybe I should rewind the performance again. Yeah, that's the ticket…

On Theresa's:

Farley: Summertime…everybody was running away from it, and she took it and just annihalated that performance…she takes an old song you think you're tired of, and makes you want to hear it again. She'll have a fanbase like Joni or Sarah, her fans will feel bad if they don't buy her CDs.

Jake: I went home that night and replayed Good Mother, and I just went, like, ohmigod. I couldn't believe it.Totally blew me away.

Zack: I think Lightfoot night was her best [in the tone of someone who's being asked to chose the impossible]. Clean, simple…just wonderful.

Sass: I loved the Big Band stuff - that's her, she's in her comfort zone and having fun. And I love the scat.

So…Theresa. Good Mother. And of course her voice is shot…but that's OK, because Mom is right there in the audience, and Theresa's up there onstage trying to keep it under control, and in the process of all this we hit the core of Theresa Sokyrka, musician, and it's a grand sight to behold…oh, god, the Premier of Saskatchewan is in the audience. I dunno, I think I'd just feel a bit more comfortable knowing he was off putting the final touches on the health-care deal, or something.

Journey of a Lifetime, Part VI: And So It All Comes Down to This. That shot of Kalan doing a little goofy dance, which has become the go-to money shot in these things more or less by default, and the one of Theresa clutching her gold ticket. Performances, judges' raves. Adorable montage of Theresa in the group sings, being flipped, sung to, grinning from ear-to-ear. Kalan rocks the house a few more times. Apparently the video editors liked Long Train Running aways more than the judges do.

And now we come to the highlight of the entire evening: Kalan, Theresa, an empty stage, and True Colours. OK, there are stools there too. Ignore those. This duet is one of those rare moments when Idol transcends what it is, a lovely creation of perfectly balanced voices and perfectly understood emotions, so delicately intimate that watching it starts to feel a trifle intrusive. The cries to get it down on record began about ten seconds after it ended, but really, I don't see how you'd ever recapture that particular moment. Un-freaking-believable.

Then of course it's over, they're hugging - "I love you," Theresa mouths, "and I'm so, so proud of you" - and Benny-boy is bustling over, and something inside Kalan visibly stiffens into a knot. Theresa, whom I suspect has become more and more relaxed with the idea of runner-up as the night's worn on, has to grab for his hand. She gets a desperate version of the grateful smile he was just singing to her with, and then Benny-boy starts waving the card, and Theresa mimicks him, and Kalan's hand jerks back reflexively…

And commercial.

But first, a word from our judges.

Why do they bother with the judges' comments on the last show? I mean, really? What would've happened if one of them had completely tanked, they get that announced in front of umpteen million people? As it is, Kalan's stuck with the ‘Little Prince' thing for life and then some. Of course, the fact that he's now wearing a long black coat and frilly white shirt isn't exactly helping his cause any.

Zack, via satellite: You're two worthy competitors, but in the end there can be only one. Best of luck. Translation: Boy, he really does take this 'season of forgiveness and goodwill' stuff seriously, doesn't he?

Jake: Thank you, CTV. Thank you Ben, we never get to tell you what a fine job you do...and [choke] Jon, too. What a fine show CTV has put on for us. Translation: And incidentally my calendar is totally cleared for next summer, you bet. Oh, right, finalists, thank you too. Make sure you do what you want to do, that people know who you are. Stay true to yourselves.

Farley: Yeah, don't be afraid to ask for what you want from here. During all this anti-encouragement Theresa is smiling and nodding away as though in on a huge joke. Kalan is still frozen, except for occasional little galvanic twitches, as though the words weren't so much being transmitted on soundwaves as via a cattle prod.

Sass: Thank you for [insert typically long rambly list of congratulatory hyperbolic adjectives here]...

Benedict: You're two great people and I wish you the best. Theresa smiles. Kalan twitches somewhere in the region of his mouth. 'Happy regardless of the outcome', my eye.

Anyhow. We got that over with.

"This year's Canadian Idol is…" Kalan is still as a statue; Theresa is doing those little nervous bopping movements. As if on cude, they both grab hold and lean into each other.

"The one and only…Kalan Porter!"

Theresa launches herself into his arms shrieking "I love you!" The audience just SCREAMS! Confetti falls from the ceiling…the stage is suddenly a mass of people…and in the middle of it all stands the new Canadian Idol.

Still quiet, still composed, except for the little fact that every single internal defense mechanism he ever created - and a few he probably wasn't even aware of - is collapsing into a helpless puddle. Thinking, as he would admit shortly after, "Oh crap, now I have to sing that song."

So he sets his feet, just like at the audition. Is shaking like a leaf, just like at the audition. Wipes away a tear with one frilly cuff, thus unconsciously providing the Gainsborough illustration that will shortly be the cover photo for many newspapers. Waits paitiently for Benedict to tell him what a wonderful person and musician he is, and more to the point pull that damned confetti from his hair. And sings, beautifully. Little Prince, indeed.

Then Jacob grabs him in a fierce bearhug; big bro did good - "I am so proud of you, man" - and then Theresa gets in another one, and Josh ruffles his hair, and Manoah grabs him next, and more hair ruffling, and Mom and Sis show up with a huge bouquet of roses (courtesy, apparently, his Yahoo! Group) and Sass and Farley..ah, well, you know the drill.

Thus endeth Canadian Idol II. It was one hell of a ride.