OK, The Brian in the audience? Is making me root wholeheartedly for Zany. That is all.

I'm not going to spend the evening playing What Does Jacob Want. I'm just not. To me it basically looked like he was going for dead neutral - not going to hinder his chances, but not going to help them, either. Frankly, I couldn't care less at this point. But on behalf of the other competitors? Not to mention my own personal satisfaction in re: seeing Poet Boi actually forced to face the consequences of his actions in the real world? I. am. damn. glad. Zack called him on it.

...Ahem.

Right then, on to the, y'know, reason we're here and stuff...

Ah. Thank you, judges, for giving Jacob the Simply Red song. Because this probably means you haven't given him the Nat 'King' Cole song, which in turn means I won't have to throw myself between my machete-wielding mother and my brand-new TV screen. Ooh, and fairly cogent reasons why you picked it, too. Really, much obliged.

Jacob walks sedately to the mic. Oh, look, he's dressed out of the Billy Klippert Signature Collection. (Missing something without the big shirtcuffs, though.) He sedately takes his place before the mic. Literally does not move from that spot. Delivers a suave, elegant, understated and let us not forget sedate vocal. OK, either neutral, or took part in Haitian voodo ritual before the show. You decide.

Oh, gol...Sass' gone off again. Mutters of "She's gettin' embarrassing," from the couch opposite. Also facial expressions indicating lady, you're my age, you know it, and you're not fooling anybody.

Theresa. What the World Doesn't Need Now is Another Bloody Rendition of This Song. The judges blather on for awhile about how - basically - they think this song is sooooo pretty, therefore Theresa can sing it prettily. Do they have hit men in Saskatoon? Because, frankly, I'd contribute to the fund on girlfriend's behalf. Ben blathers on for awhile about how this song rocketed Jackie DeShannon to stardom. I turn to the couch. "Did she ever have another hit?" Shoemom: "No." So anyhow, Theresa sings the song, and she does a very very pretty job, because she quite literally can't do anything else. The single thing this song is highlighting is that she is so much better than this stupid song. It gets distracting after awhile. (Shoemom:"Well, yeah, 'cause all the original was talking, all the way through. You can't even really sing this.")

Well, looky that, Kalan gets the U2 song. How innovative. Except not. The judges basically want to see if he can get his inner rock star to come out to play. (Personally, I think they were just bored with the whole 70's classic-radio thing.)

Well...yes. And no. The first thirty seconds or so are uncertain; he's so desperate to get that emotion out there his throat's tight with it. But then he relaxes. Starts to really trust his Inner Old Rock Star Guy. And by the time he's done, he's achieved something...that makes me believe if he were to give it another go, with the pressure completely off, it would be absolutely un-freaking-believable. The judges, on the other hand, aren't waiting. "Best thing you've done.' Oh, look everybody, Jake's found a schtick! 'Awesome,' Zack says flatly. Good enough for me. Seriously, I would believe he's just tooling along with TPTB's Chosen One, except he's also giving him the Klippert Memorial Standing Ovation. Man is impressed. Sass, on the other hand is just icky. Again. Anyone wanna bet the sound guys deliberately let the screems drown her out?

Photo shoot. In which we learn that Jacob really can wear a suit. Mmmm. (What? It's a talent.) Kalan, on the other hand, can't even get non-Goodwill-reject clothing out of a staged fashion photo shoot. There's no hope. Theresa proves something I have suspected literally since I first saw her - she has the kind of features that makeup artists can play on as on a canvas. Lookin' good, woman.

Round Two...

Jacob. No, judges. No. You can sit there pontificating about fun and snarky and perfectly suited all night...but I actually lived through the '80's fairly recently, and you gave the dude a crappy novelty pop tune, OK? Then again, as it turns out, that's not necessarily a really bad thing. I forgot Jacob's first musical language is power-ballad-speak. Plus, about halfway through the kid just can't help himself...and the leg goes...then the arms...wait for it...yep, there's the face. Kid, you're still a selfish pretentious little git, but you're sort of forgiven. Go back to your band with my, um, not-upset-anymore-ness. Ewww, Sass. I think I liked it better when she was just making those incoherent noises over Gary last year. Hearing her fake an orgasm is far preferable to listening to her describe one.

Whoa, lotta skaters in the audience tonight. Every time they cut to audience, it's like a giant Whack-an-Orser game. OK, maybe only in my head.

Theresa. Oh, sorry, say the judges, here's the challenging classy unique song we really wanted you to emote the hell out of. Silly us! Ready for Love. Oh, man...is she ever. No, get your head out of the gutter, that was Sass. What Theresa is doing is bringing every single trick she possesses to bear on this performance, and she is achieving something incredibly beautiful and moving. Y'know that kind of waiting-to-hear-what's-so-special pocket she's been giving off since her audition? She totally filled it.

"When people ask me why I'm involved in Idol...I'm gonna give 'em your name." And then they're going to get blank looks on their faces and go. "Oh. OK." Seriously...yeah, Zack, you damn well better give the girl her props after that little debacle earlier. Pretty, my eye.

Kalan gets the Cole song! See, it's about a shy, sensitive kid, and...anybody else think the judges picked his songs in about ten seconds, went and had a congratulatory beer or twenty, and then came back to settle the others'? (They throw in a few comments about Kalan's 'studious' approach to songs, which gives me truly charming mental pictures. I'm a sucker for Artists at Work, what can I say?)

Oh...my...god. Oh...my...seriously, that's all I can get out through this whole performance. He's got the beyond-sweet, beyond-haunting, way-beyond-feeling-it vocal...the curls...the eyes. Dear lord, the kid's finally fully realised what he can do with those eyes. It's just...ridiculous, this whole thing. I'm shaking my head and laughing. Shoemom is just shaking her head. Best CI performance maybe ever...OK, tied with Levon. Ladies and gentlemen, your Canadian Idol. In case you were wondering.

Results Show

Boy, low-key results show or what? I dunno, last year just seemed to have more videos and montages and group sings and swirly camera work and stuff. This felt rather like they were trying to whisper so as not to disturb the neighbors in the studio next door.

So...Audrey. She's what now, nineteen? So I guess we can excuse the glittery eyelids and the equally shiny 'A' on her tee. ("Exposing your belly-button is so out, already," Shoemom sniffs.) This is going to be one extraordinarily beautiful woman in a few years...oh, the heck with it, let's just go beat her makeup artists to death with a curling iron. That was tacky.

Vocally...same ol' same ol'. Exquisite tone, no power, sells a song well, overall effect a kind of poor man's Mariah (except somehow I doubt the guy would feel all that gypped). I don't remember her accent being that noticeable. I do, however, remember Benedict hilariously overpronouncing her name whenever he got the chance.

Trips home. Concerts, limos, ecstatic random greetings at airports, you know the drill. Nobody has a relative as all-around great as Grandma Klippert, although Edie McClurg II the Abbotsford mayor was good for a few chuckles. Jacob has a very nice normal-looking family, and a megaphone, and jumps around a lot, and is surprisingly articulate.

Theresa romps through the amber waves - on her, this looks completely natural, trust me - visits a stock-car rally for no discernable reason, sobs her way through her old grade school (Catholic, natch) and is likewise articulate, albeit from the sounds of that voice probably shouldn't be talking at all.

Kalan...does not seem to be getting quite the value for money out of this trip that his peers are. "How come he doesn't get to visit his school and stuff?" "Oh, well, that's how they are in Alberta," says Shoemom. "The further West you go, the more conservative it gets." So Jacob really is from Mars, I guess.

Anyhow, Kalan turns out to be not so articulate - in other news, water is wet - and claims to be 'just another ranch kid'. Yeah, I guess they do have a lot of those in Alberta. He visits a Cultural Centre, does a talk show in another hilariously bad suit, appears quite genuinely grateful for downtime with his inexplicably gorgeous family. Seriously, I wanna know who's been spiking the gene pool. Meanwhile the camera-person has fallen in love with the mountains.

(Just for the record: Shoemom has decided that Kalan looks exactly like his mom, Theresa like her dad and Jacob she can't place. "Maybe he dyes his hair.")

Group sing: Peter Gabriel. Standard Idol Montage #594: How We Got Here. Everybody sounds good. The choreography is surprisingly adult. (Except Kalan spends most of it clinging to Theresa for dear life.) Other than this is apparently the world's most depressing song and they all three look like they're gonna slit something by the time they're halfway through, nice.

Kalan is still clinging to Theresa when we get back from commercial, only now they're on stools. Everybody does a re-sing. All three do replays of last night's seconds - right down to the mic-stand toss, scared the bejabers out of Shoemom - and sound likewise fantastic. Jacob has either suddenly decided he wants this thing after all or knows he's gone and is just that damned grateful. Either way, he's going out in one last glorious full-bore blaze of crazy. He starts off atop the stools - his and Kalan's, to be exact, Kalan meanwhile giving him a look highly reminiscent of Richard Dreyfuss arriving at the Devil's Tower - works his way around the stage, into the audience. Briefly stops by the judges' table - What the hell, I'm a bad boy and you wouldn't have it any other way, now would you? Pause to sip from Sass' mug, presumably to refuel. Back onstage. Cute shot of Farley singing along with Kalan. (OK, yes, I know. But it's Farley, so it's cute.)

And...bye, Bozo Boi. Zack's right, so is Jake (and both are going to get a stern talking-to right after the show for it, probably)...this isn't your stage and never was. But it sure was fun while it...oh hell, just go make your music.

"What're you looking like that for?" Shoemom demands, sounding not a little elated herself. "You got what you wanted?!"

"Yeah...I hate it when I get what I wanted and I don't want it."

Man...I don't think we've ever had an All-Cute Idol final, have we? I mean, one where both participants were both so nice and adorable and inoffensive that people will be afraid to vote for one for fear of hurting the other's feelings? I hear Kelly-Justin was close, but this...

Having given it some consideration, though, I am totally, serenely contented with the way the Top Three has and will pan out. Jacob got what he wanted, so did his band, and hedley's future is so bright Jake's wearing shades.

Theresa will make an absolutely graceful second, go home, rest her voice, begin touring the clubs and have a good start made on that 30- or 40-year career by the end of the autumn.

Kalan, who has the most to gain from the whole experience, will patiently let 19E teach him all about being a Star, make the best possible music out of of the pop-pap, and re-emerge at 23 or so ready to make a legitimate impact.