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Summertime, and the snarkin' is easy
Ben is sucking
And the judges are high
Oh, the songs are kitsch
And there's no flava cookin'
So go on, little Dwarfie, go on and cry

Last week on Idol - the contestants sang and played Gordon Lightfoot songs. So Shoebox gets to recap a surprisingly touching Lightfoot tribute, and I get stuck with "Summertime". And like the food at the Ex, it's mostly crap on a stick. Sure, the jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel, but at least the rest of you lot only had to sit through this turkey once.

We learn once more that Elena was eliminated last week. Hopefully she's sitting at home in Vancouver, thanking her lucky stars she was spared this week's random collection of cheese masquerading as summer-related songs.

Oooooh, shiny man with glowing crotch! Spinny microphone! Gender-morphing android, how I've missed you!

Ben bounds onto stage to the cheers of the audience (and if you were anywhere in Saskatchewan, the beeps of severe weather warnings. Shut up, Environment Canada. It's not like we can't recognise a thunderstorm in Saskatchewan, ferchrissakes). He is wearing (no, I'm not making this up) a pink polo shirt over a white long sleeved shirt. Someone has neglected to tell him that pink clashes with orange. Or that pink is only the colour of summer if your name is Mary-Kate or Ashley. Ben is, if anything, even more orange than last week. If I could just figure out how to tie third-party life insurance, stock investments in ManTan, and this guy I know named Guido together, Canada might be mourning a minor celebrity while I count my millions.

Ben claims that we are in for "another night of outstanding musical performances" and that this could very well turn out to be a series of "personal bests" for every one of the top 5. Here's where Canadian Idol and the Canadian Olympic Team show eerie similarities in the expectations vs results department.

Ben claims that as we're 3 weeks away from the finale, the "stakes are rocket high". Too bad the idols seem to be fuelling up on natural gas rather than rocket fuel, eh? Ben once more makes the plea to vote so that your favourite doesn't suffer Elena's fate. Because if everybody votes, nobody gets eliminated? Somehow I think not. Blah blah blah text and message-cakes.

The "triumphant troubador with the bulletproof voice" Shane makes his entrance in a taupe jacket over white shirt and jeans. He's got the stubble going again. I think he's shooting for Justin Timberlake. He achieves "guy who forgot to shave". This guy is whiter than I am, and that's saying something. A standard shot of family and friends applauding ensues.

The "prairie prince with the golden sound" Kalan arrives with a very dark brown jacket over a salmon shirt and jeans. Awww, he and Shane could be twins, what with the nicknames and outfits and all. The curls seem a little shorter and less blonde tonight.

Next, the "energetic entertainer who puts the rock & roll in rock & roll". Now, that made no sense. Did he mean to say "puts the Rock in rock & roll" or are their staff writers just so bad they can't even steal a cliche phrase properly? Anyways, Jason is wearing his standard shirt over jeans outfit.

"100,000 volts of throat-shredding adrenaline" arrives. Look, it's Theresa! Kidding, her throat's much better now. Jacob does one of his standard emo-band exaggerated walk thing-a-ma-jigs as he makes his entrance. He's wearing a sleeveless black tee, black jeans and a studded belt and is rockin' the fauxhawk.

Last, the "soulful queen who sings like a sweet summer breeze". Theresa's wearing a dark dusty rose jacket over a white T with some sort of tree print on it and jeans. She's decorated herself with a scarf. Hair: straight. Glasses: absent. Makeup: over the top.

Ben asks Theresa what she would be doing if she wasn't on Idol, and she replies "busking on the street and writing music". There's your brush with celebrity, all you people who walked past a whispy guitar-playing girl on Broadway last year. You can tell your grandchildren that you met Theresa Sokyrka while shopping at the Bulk Cheese Warehouse. So long as you lie about remembering her. "Busker, yeah, whatever. Where's the brie?"

Back at the Bulk Cheese Warehouse, Toronto location, Ben asks if her summertime activities might include watching Idol. You can visibly see Theresa juggling a lie ("of course, I'd watch every episode, Ben") with the truth ("I'd rather stick needles in my eyes") and coming up empty. Ben, like the expert corporate shill that he is, takes that as a yes.

Ben asks Kalan if the sacrifices and work they've put in are worth it for an aspiring idol. Kalan, who probably had his record deal locked after the top 10 episode, politely plays along and claims that it's all worth it.

Ben starts to ask Jacob a question about his band and gets a brief spot-on Jon Dore impersonation. Hee. Jacob replies that the band has been writing lots of music and is really supportive. We then get an "ow" and the rock devil fingers turned sideways. All the cool guys are turning their devil fingers sideways these days, it's like the gangsta sideways gun thing. Or it could just be a really lame, overused and hackneyed gesture. Your call.

Ben asks Jason what he misses about Newfoundland. Jason replies family and friends and then gives a shout-out to a bar. He even gives the street location. Coming soon: Jason's tour of c'boy bars and rodeo grandstands, sponsored by "Greeley's on George".

Shane says the highlights of the summer were flying to Cleveland on a private jet and singing for thousands of "screamings", which he quickly corrects to "screaming fans". I preferred "screamings". Every once in a while you're reminded of just how young these guys are. It's been a long time since I would've considered flying to Cleveland a summer highlight.

The screamings were out in full force at the "world-famous bandshell stage" at the Ex. OK, is this another Toronto-is-the-centre-of-the-universe thing? Because I've never heard of the bandshell stage, and around here when we talk about the Ex, we mean our local fair. Like, you know, every other city except Toronto. Shut up, Ben. The event looks as if it was thrown together very quickly. The idols have a backing screen, but other than that it's just them, a lot of bare stage and the standard karaoke backing tracks. For an excellent recap of the actual show, check out Shoebox's review. I will note that out of a reported crowd of 8,000, I spotted two guys. One of them was some fangirls' little brother whom she was babysitting that afternoon, the other was her boyfriend.

Over to the judges. Jake is wearing a beige suit, no tie, and looks a little more relaxed this week. Jake thinks it's fantastic that the voters are coming out in droves, but hopes that they start to vote for the performances. This smacks of damage control after SaskTel's call volume reporting last week. CTV has made a simple request to SaskTel: "don't do that no more".

Farley has a taupe suit with some weird-ass lapels over a pink shirt and pink tie. He looks slightly better than Ben, but overall I'd say scrap the pink, guys. Ben asks him to vote up-tempo or ballad. Farley says "a little of both". Thanks for the insight of decades in the recording business, Farley.

Sass and her breasts are wearing a low-cut green-gold gown. There's some sort of blue bra peek-a-boo thing happening. Bad catch by the wardrobe people, or Sass feeling the need to be free? Ben wonders if Ritchie and Lightfoot will leave a lasting impression on the contestants. Sass says they provide a validation the contestants aren't going to get elsewhere with their experience in the industy. Translation: "yes, famous people said they were good".

Zack wins the best dressed award tonight with a black on black suit and shirt, no tie. He does something with his hands and eyes that makes me think the drugs are particularily good tonight. Ben asks for a comparison of last year's top 5 with this years, and gets a bunch of pink shirt snark in return. Go, Zack, my favourite judge of the last two years. He goes on to talk about there being a lot more testosterone this year. I guess he missed that all-male final 3 last year. Or perhaps he just thinks Gary Beals doesn't count. That argument has a certain amount of persuasion. I'll allow the comment, if only because it gave him an extra swing at Ben. Who sucks.

Ben introduces a montage which in turn introduces the summertime theme. A theme which is being roundly flouted tonight, but to what end? Seriously, people, if you're going to use the theme as an excuse to just pick whatever the hell song you want to pick, couldn't you pick some better songs? Anyways, brief interviews with random people, the Turtles playing in the background, "summer, the best month of the year". Ben has now fulfilled his quota of bona fide funny for the entire season.

Commercials - Alice Cooper is reduced to hawking school supplies for Staples, in full makeup. Rock & Roll struggles mightily as another nail is driven into the coffin. I'm just not sure she's studied enough kungfu to punch her way out. And another plug for "The Benefactor". This guy totally squicks out Mrs. Dwarf.

Tonight we get to see filmlets of the contestants at "the Ex". That would be the Canadian National Exhibition, for the 75% of the country that doesn't live in the Greater Toronto Area. Shane claims that he loves summer fairs and the rides are his favourite - but he's kind of a whimp on the big slide. Ow! Ow! Shane says he loves anything deep-fried, and that the most exciting part of his childhood was family camping trips. That's about how much excitment translates into his performances. I vote we develop some charity for aspiring singers to send them on skiing trips or scuba-diving excursions or something. Save an audience from boredom tomorrow! Dunk a kid in a shark tank today!

Shane's going to sing Franki Valli's Can't Take My Eyes Off of You. Or rather, he's doing the Lauryn Hill version of it. Unfortunately for Shane, he doesn't have an ounce of black in him. Singing a Lauryn Hill joint requires a certain sense of rhythm, a bit of natural funk. Shane's got a great instrument and it's a really cool arrangement but he never quite finds the feel of it. It doesn't help that he forgets the words early on, although to his credit he recovers well enough. He throws in some glory-noting which gets some cheers from the audience but run kind of counter to the groove. He's also got some nice runs in there but they sound over-charted to me. Despite the criticism, for Shane, it was pretty good and I found myself enjoying it. I think the way he scrunches up his face while he sings isn't too attractive. Mrs. Dwarf just finds him "really creepy". He's wobbling the microphone around a lot tonight, which I find really distracting.

The audience likes it, he seems to be aquiring quite a few fans in the theatre. Jake makes some olympic allusions and says he likes the arrangement before tossing it off to the Trinidad judge. Farley's from Trinidad? Who knew?

Farley says he "hit the first hurdle but kept going" and that's it. So far, the judges are 2 for 2 in terms of completely worthless comments. The judges and Shane are all laughing together and for a brief moment we get a peak into the fact that this is just a show, and that these people interact more than just on Wednesday night.

Sass says she knows what it's like to forget the words. I'll bet she does, she survived a rock career in the 80s. She thought it was great.

Zack said that Shane was trying to show what he could do as an artist, but he's not buying the record. I'm with Zack. If I wanted Lauryn Hill doing a cool cover of an old pop song, I'd buy her record. Shane needs to find something he can do, which I think isn't going to be top 40 pop.

Ben comes out and mutters something about Shane having the most "tumultuous" experience and asks what inspires him. By which he means, "dude, you live in the bottom three, isn't that kind of depressing?" Shane provides the stock answer of fans and family.

I'd like to introduce my co-recappers for our Kalan segment, Mrs. Gladys Kravitz' 7th grade class. Half of them, anyway. Say hello, girls. Squeeeee!

Kalan likes relaxing and going to the cabin with family and friends. There's a shot of him wakeboarding Squeeeee! and tubing OMG he's so cute! Kalan likes to catch the fairs at Medicine Hat and Irvine. (Brief pause while the girls check Mapquest for Irvine and make plans to hit the fair). Kalan says the fair is a nice break from the show. We get a brief shot of his cousins in the audience before cutting to Ben for the introduction.

Kalan is singing the Doobie Brothers Long Train Running. He strides out to the stage to EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! phrasing EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! curls EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!.

Mrs. Kravitz' class has been relieved of their recapping duties and locked in their classroom for the safety of all concerned. Anyways, back to KALN, classic rock radio. Overall, this is more of the same, albeit this song has more of a groove than the others and requires him to sing pretty fast. He seems a little tired or something. The alchemy thing that he normally does with these old songs is missing. He can put a lot of emotion into a song but it seems that the range of emotion he can inject is limited. Perhaps its that I've never cared much for Long Train Running and it hasn't really aged all that well. Or maybe I'm just getting a little tired of him. For whatever reason, I was bored. Kalan also tries his hand at dancing with mixed results. On the one hand, it's good to see him move. On the other hand, he's pretty stiff.

Farley says that was a good performance. Through the classroom door, I can see Mrs. Kravitz' class limbering up their voting fingers.

Sass says it had "great energy" and that it was "kicking it into high gear". I didn't think it had particularily great energy. It had more energy than he's shown before, if by that you mean the dancing. But Born To Be Wild had more real energy behind it.

Zack thought his lack of stage movement and not doing a lot different with the song showed his "lack of maturity" as a performer. In Kalan's defence, that was the most stage movement he's shown since he did a little mike flick in Born To Be Wild. Back in Mrs. Kravitz' classroom, it's starting to get a little ugly. MSN is taking a pounding tonight as extra voting parties are quickly organized.

Jake said people are "listening without listening", that it was the "most karaoke thing" he's ever done and that it had no soul or passion. Mrs. Kravitz' desk has just gone through the window. Jake, there's a 7th grade hit squad headed your way from Saskatoon. Kalan, don't worry, they all had their cell phones and were furiously dialing the whole way.

Ben comments that Kalan always finds a way to sing the oldies. It's a legit criticism, although Ben doesn't put it that way. How is Kalan going to do with something from this decade? Is there a market for an 18 year old classic rock cover artist? When he wins, just exactly what are they going to do with him?

Commercials - Coke will let you "break free" with a new variation on sugar water. The coffin takes another nail. The Amazing Race continues. This season, we discover that a bigger tool than Ben actually exists on the planet, and his name is Colin.

Pimpmercial for Athletes World. The contestants, whom you will have noted aren't particularily stylish this year, give Jon a lesson in style using sneakers and sports clothes. Wackiness does not ensue. There isn't a milligram of funny in this thing.

Jason says that back in Newfoundland he spends a lot of vacation in the cabin with his family. He also likes the rides and is looking forward to a day off. He picked his song because it's one of the first songs he ever learned with his band. Oh, goody. An entire decade of refining a song to best effect in front of an audience of drunks.

Have you ever been at a lifeless party where a guy shows up who transforms it by pure energy and charisma? Jason is not that guy. Noooo, he's the guy who jumps in the middle of the dance floor and starts dancing and whoo-hooing around while everybody else stares at their drinks in embarassment.

When I saw the song list, I knew Jason's pick. How could he resist a song where the first line is "whoah, yeah"? He shakes his arms like a 2-year-old in a temper tantrum, delivers both the "whoah" and the "yeah" and we're off for what seems like an eternity of crap. I'd forgotten how repetitive this song is. Jason makes sure it is also dull. Ever been at a wedding where Old Time Rock and Roll is the highlight of the recorded dance music? Where your date drags you out on the floor because it's the only thing with a semblance of life they've played all night, even though you hate it? Yeah, he's dancing like that. He invites us to "sing along". Shut up, Jason. Nobody is singing along with their TV. This is the difference between singing to a crowd in the mood for a party, and trying to set a mood with an audience lounging on their sofas. Although I may sing along next week. I plan to be sufficiently self-medicated to do that when he smarms his way through his inevitable cover of Wonderful World.

Jason yells at the audience one more time and then heads off the stage. Mrs. Dwarf is aghast: "Nooooo!!! Don't go into the audience!" But it's too late: the mook is amuck. There's an initial cheer as he hits the aisle, which quickly subsides. Some people politely clap along, most look bored. The only enthusiastic clappers seem to be women over 30. Shut up, cougars. As Jason climbs the stage back to the stage, his voice does a little stutter, like when you say "aaahhhh" and thump your chest.

Back on stage, Jason varies the white boy shuffle with some Wham!-era George Michael arm swings, then throws in a little spin. At least he spares us the disco pole hump. I've criticised Jason in the past for many things, but technical problems with his voice haven't been among them. Whatever else he is, he's usually on-key and strong. Not tonight. He's got a few problems with pitch and the "dancing" seems to be having an adverse affect on the singing. This is easily the worst thing he's ever done, and that's saying some.

Over to Sass. The two audience members behind her look distinctly unimpressed. Wardrobe still hasn't done anything with Sass' bra, so we have three boobs on stage competing for attention. She says "what that lacked in finesse it made up for in energy". Jason says thank-you. For me, the energy stopped at the waving limbs and never really entered the song much, but whatever. Sass says he's got "half the equation", which for her I think means he's a good-looking guy under 30. What she has in mind for him doesn't involve singing.

Zack says he gave us "a clinic on being sharp and flat". Ow. He says "if it's this kind of generic bar rock that we're looking for in Canadian Idol, you're it, dude". Here's where I take issue with Mr. Werner. Jason has been nothing more than what he is, since day one. He's never shown much of another side, except for a brief glimpse of what he could be during Canadian Railroad Trilogy. And Zack and company have pimped him since day one. So it's just a wee bit disingenuous to criticise him for that now.

Jake says that it was a "bad case of a bad song". Hard to argue with that, but the job of being an Idol competitor is often to make the most of a bad song. Jason looks slightly pissed and thanks him.

Farley says "I wish you guys could dance a little bit, man". He offers to teach him. Jason brightens at the first hint of praise, or at least less harsh criticism. "Cool!" Jason says. Speaking of cool: a 27 year old guy with blonde highlights is not cool. If this were two years ago, he'd probably be sporting a goatee and figuring he was really up with the trends.

Ben asks Jason why it took him so long to finally go into the audience. Jason says "I dunno, lots of pretty girls in the audience". Jason is not my sort of entertainer, but underneath the dorky dancing and whoo-hooing and all he seems like a decent sort of guy. There were people of all ages in the audience, so any accusations of improprietry don't hold water with me. I'm sure he was just trying to give a light-hearted reply.

Commercials: a bunch of guys scrounge for change to pay for a pizza. Thank dog I got to live at home during college. Mom, Dad, you saved me from 4 years of KD. Still managed to get in on the beer thing, though.

Jacob is doing some weird-ass thing with his face as we segue to his clip at the Ex. For him, summer is all about the weekend. He likes the fair because there's a whole lot of food, and you're allowed to go crazy. I don't recall him paying particular attention to rules elsewhere. They must need a tranquilizer gun and a net to reel him in after the fair. He picked Don't Want to Miss a Thing because a lot of his personal summer experiences involve romance. Yeah, because I immediately think of a Diane Warren crap-o-rama ballad when I think of romance.

Flashback to a phone call to the offices of BMG Canada two weeks ago:
"Minion? This is Sir Clive."
"Yes, my dread Lord."
"You have failed me."
"How, how have we failed you, m'lord?"
"I have not noted one song from my thrall, Diane, in your little competition on the tundra."
"Sorry, m'lord. We'll make sure Ms. Warren's masterworks are included posthaste."
"The mass hypnotism of the world is not yet complete. My thrall's most excellent work will ensure my total domination."
"At once, my lord. Summon the most exhuberant slave! We shall tame his will, yet."
"And as for Ben?"
"Yes, my dread Lord."
"He sucks."

To be frank, there's nothing Jacob could possibly do to make me like this song, short of singing it while giving Diane Warren a Wet Willie. I find it interesting that he finds such meaning in schlocky power ballads, as this is the second song of this ilk he's sung. I guess it depends on whatever's going on in your life when the schlock is popular. I have a soft spot in my heart for Every Time You Go Away. Like Everything, Jacob sings it straight and sincerely. His tone and vocal mannerisms are definitely a matter of taste, for most people it's a love it or hate it thing. I like it quite a lot. It's not the sort of voice normally applied to power ballads, which is why it works. Singing from the heart also works really well, especially when you actually are singing from the heart. Having said all that, this is a paler version of the work he did with Everything and benefited greatly from the three off performances prior. It's still a big step up from his misstep with Lightfoot last week.

Zack asks are we looking for the next karaoke competitor (backstage, Jason whinces), the next understudy for Les Miz (Shane, listen up - this is your real career calling) or someone who can take a song he doesn't like and kill it? I think I was born to be the mean judge - I'm in tune with Zack about 3/4 of the time.

Jake says he knows its a great song (Do continue, faithful minion) but he's never been a fan of it. (curses!) He claims Jacob has made him a fan of the song. (Ah, the world is unravelling as it should.)

Farley says the guy who can dance didn't need to, and that he wants to be able to recognise the winner on the radio. This tribute to individuality is the best praise in the world as far as Jacob is concerned. As a fan of distinctive voices, I could only nod vigorously in agreement. One of my big beefs with formal vocal training is that it tends to drain all the individuality out of voices. I hope Jacob gets just enough coaching to keep his voice healthy, but not so much that he loses his distinct quality.

Sass says she's his "numbah one fan". You'll note Jacob is also a good-looking guy under 30. Somewhere in the audience, Josh is yelling "I called dibs first!"

Jacob tells Ben, "that was all me, and I'm not even wearing underwear". He gives Ben a prod or tickle or something. Ben seems to really enjoy this kind of jostling hyper-boy friendship. I suspect he wasn't friends with any of the cool kids in high school and finds a kind of validation in this that was missing in his career as most hated kid in school. Jacob meanwhile is just being Jacob and including Ben because he has to. In high school, Jacob would likely have ignored a preppy dipwad like Ben.

After the commercials, we suffer through a "Jon gets sunburned" bit which would only be funny if Jon actually were sunburned and everyone got to slap him. Several lame jokes about Ben's tan ensue. Ben dons his dad's reading glasses and briefly gives an entire nation bad Brian flashbacks.

Theresa says "summer is a state of relaxation" for her and that she didn't get to go to the fair much. Doesn't every kid in Saskatoon hit the Ex? I know I did. She can't wait to go on the Zipper. I used to love the Zipper. It doesn't love me anymore. She chose Cruisin' because it kind of reminds her of cruising in her Dad's car, which she describes as very cool. Well, it's very old at least - a 1954 Nash. Cruisin' is the only song of the five that I think of as a summer song, but even then the connection is tenuous.

The sinuous bassline for the arrangement of Cruisin' kicks in, and right away we're sucked into the groove. Theresa's got some sort of flower taped to the microphone. In close consultation with Mrs. Dwarf, we have failed to identify the species of flower. Sorry. It's big and yellow, sort of an oversized dandelion. Whatever it is, it works. Combined with the dusty rose outfit and boucle scarf, Theresa looks very summery. There is practically nothing to criticise on this performance. She could maybe move a little bit more, and the dip avec knee spread hasn't ever worked for anybody. But the vocal is just lovely. There was one little hiccup on a run that might be attributed to lingering throat troubles, otherwise smooth, gorgeous tone. She never succumbs to the temptation to use the song as a showcase for her voice. Rather, her voice is the showcase for the song. While recapping the other singers tonight, I was doing a lot of pause/rewind stuff. Here, I just pressed play and forgot to pick up the remote. To call it the best performance of the night understates how much better it was than all the others. Sorry, I have no snark for this. OK, too much eye makeup. Otherwise, perfection. She gets a partial standing ovation from the crowd.

Jake says it's great for her to be back in the groove, and that her future is so bright, he's gotta wear shades. Which he produces and wears. Cute, if you like that sort of thing but it begs the question of the "judging" whenever they come up with obviously prepared comments like that. Are they reacting to the performance, or playing a script? Did he have a backup set of earplugs for an alternate schtick if she tanked?

Farley says "your phrasing was really cool" and that he liked what she did with it. Yup.

Sass says "there's beauty in back phrasing". Is that some sort of technical term? If so, cool. I like when the singers actually say something for us laymen to go "huh?" over. She also says that for only the second time, she forgot she was in the show. Which is what Theresa does: inhabit the mood and emotion of a song, so that we can go along for the ride.

I want to quote Zack word for word here because I think he was bang-on: "The fact is, you sit in the pocket so wonderfully, and your tone is just so delicious. People want to say that great singing is about hitting some ridiculous note that only dogs can hear. Great singing is about the kind of beautiful soulfulness that you bring to this. You're my favourite singer on the show in the last two years." Can I get an "amen" for the Reverend Werner.

Ben describes Theresa as the "remaining princess in the sea of ruffians" and asks if she's being treated well. She says they are "perfect gentlemen". Well her mom taught her never to say anything bad about anybody else. Unlike a certain Dwarf. You're a class act, Theresa. I look forward to seeing you slay them all on Standards Night. Over to you, Shoebox.