Comment on this recap
View comments on this recap

Last week on Canadian Idol - we proved that rock & roll themes are a really bad idea. Ben puts on his best melodramatic announcer voice and proclaims that the top 8 "rocked the nation". Well, not so much. Josh got the boot for being more or less a non-entity, despite one of his better performances. And everyone was like, rilly rilly emotional. But that was so last week. Tonight it's back to the 80s with Lionel Ritchie. Cue vaguely disturbing strutting android singers. This is what Shane looks like if you take the skin off.

Pan across the cheering theatre. Ben jogs in and the first impression is... wow, he's rilly, rilly orange. I don't think I've got enough colour adjustment in my TV to make his skin tone look natural. He's sporting the charcoal/blue-striped suit and open purple striped shirt. I think he and Shane were manufactured in the same facility, one on the "host" assembly line, the other "singer". Blah blah heard them rehearsing blah blah top of their game. We'll be the judges of that, spawn of Brian. He insists on threatening us with the OK sign. Is he OK? Are we OK? Ben is once more obsessed with the vote. "Vote or your favourite will die a fiery, 'orrible death". Or escape the clutches of 19E and go on to a career with some semblance of personal control. You decide which way to spin it.

Now to introduce the top 7. First up, "Alberta's Buffalo Soldier", Kalan. He's wearing some sort of unfortunate sweater that looks like something the dorky cousin from Fresh Prince would have worn. A cute blonde kid with "punk" hair waves a sign. "Saskatchewan's Soul Sister" Theresa comes out with a big smile and an off-the-shoulder top that is some sort of green. I want to say chartreuse, Mrs. Dwarf says "unfortunately, that's about one shade short of Sea Foam". A not so cute fat guy with "punk" hair waves a sign and screams at the camera. "British Columbia's High Flyer" Shane looks resigned in jeans, white shirt and sports jacket. Some unidentified woman wants to have his babies. At least, I hope she's a woman. I wish these psychotic people wouldn't hide behind their signs, it makes it so much harder to avoid them when they're anonymous. "Nova Scotia's Choice Voice" Kaleb strides out, looking very confident in his latest gangsta lite outfit. "British Columbia's Power Player" Jacob swaggers out in 70s disco pimp-wear, complete with light blue leisure suit jacket, tan pants, print shirt with wiiide collar, and funky puffy sideways camp. I immediately know what he's going to sing and how he's going to sing it - a bad thing for Mr. Unpredictable. We get the usual shot of his ultra-supportive girlfriend holding up a sign. And in keeping with the 80s theme, she's escorted by William Katt. How sweet! "BC's Dynamic Diva" Elena springs out like an extra from "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" with a hot pink shirred sleeveless top, wide belt and denim skirt from the Ho collection. Her ponytail is extra bouncy. Her psycho buddy from Queen's does his weekly schtick, although to his credit it seems slightly toned down. Maybe he had one too many birthday beverages? And finally, "Newfoundland and Labrador's Favourite Rocker" Jason arrives in blue sports coat, untucked light blue striped shirt and faded jeans. A couple of fans get up and half-heartedly cheer when they realise the camera is on them. How come Jason doesn't get a nifty nickname? Everybody else gets alliteration, rhyme or some pseudo-clever reference to occupation or hobby. Jason is merely "Favourite Rocker". Could it be he's a one-dimensional, over-pimped goofball?

It's time for this weeks round of questions for the judges, and the first of many tiresome insertions of Ritchie song titles into Ben's patter. Shut up, Ben. Zack looks good tonight; dark blue tailored jacket with purplish paisley-ish shirt. Ben remarks that "a boo is as good as a cheer", certainly true for the man who is supposed to play the bad cop role but seems to be losing that position to an increasingly cranky Jake. Ben asks him what the kids need to do to "be real" in "practical and concrete" terms. What? I mean, Ben and his loser writing team have asked some dumb questions before but this is like asking what it takes to be artistic or how one becomes graceful. Zack's in a good mood tonight, so instead of blasting Ben he compares it to making love - you either got it or you don't. Sass looks pretty good tonight too in a sleeveless black dress. Ben asks her whether you should change it up to match the themes week to week or stay to your game and force the themes into your style. Sass claims a "little bit of both" which is pretty much of a cop-out. I think it's a reasonable question. My personal feeling is that if you're going to make your living in theatre, you can change all the time, but if you want a career in music you'd better have a sound and an image that's your own. Next up, "Poppa Bear" Farley, looking mountainous in a double-breasted suit made apparently of shiny cardboard. Farley feels the strategy for the top 10 should be "song selection and showing a new side". I buy showing a new side as a strategy, but song selection? That's a skill - defining a method for song selection would be a strategy. Last for the painful Q&A, Jake in a dark blue suit and white striped shirt. He looks nervous, nodding continuously with a forced smile. It's almost like he's being indicted for tax fraud. Ben wants to know if anyone of the 7 is ready to start a career right now. Jake's response starts reasonably enough, indicating that they've started their careers already, but then degenerates into some nonsense about there being no second-guessing about song selection as they have the best material to work with. How is reducing your choices down to a single artist with a narrow, middle of the road repertoire improving your song selection?

His Easyness will not be gracing the judge's table tonight, but they show a retrospective clip anyway. Wow, there sure were a lot of unfortunate hair and clothing choices made in the 70s. He's not my cup of tea, but the man has had a long and successful career. As they move from his days with the Commodores (funky pants!) into his solo career (tight pants!), we see that the unfortunate style choices were not restricted to the 80s. We're reminded of how cheesy early videos could be, with Lionel singing "Hello" into a phone as one particularly odious example.

First up is Kalan. We're going to get a little clip with Lionel for each contestant, in which we get to see how wise and helpful Mr. Ritchie can be, and how all the contestants wuv him very much. Except that Lionel was pretty much a condescending prick and Kalan was clearly uncomfortable. Or maybe Kalan is just uncomfortable with everyone. After several variations on "my, what a nice young man" Lionel eventually admits that age isn't a factor, and we get to hear Kalan sing Still. Kalan walks on stage with a shy little wave, sits on a stool, tilts his head to the right and then proceeds to ... well, lets just say the camera hasn't had this good a roll in the hay since last week when Jacob banged it silly. I appreciate his simple performance style - he sings well enough to have no need for any goofy finger pointing or baby reaching. It would be better if he could figure out what to do with his off-hand, though. He has a terrific warm tone and an uncanny ability to get his head into songs that were written before he was born. There were no technical errors that I could detect. He gives a slight pause before the "still" coda, throws the camera's ankles up over her ears and finishes the job. That was maybe a bit too much eye action there at the end. Nevertheless, this was his best performance since Born to be Wild. Short of some phone company conspiracy theories, he's pretty much got this contest wrapped up.

Judges - Jake takes credit for the performance, being that he told him to get better last week. Whatever. He labels it Kalan's best performance so far. Farley comes out with some prepared alliteration thing: "still sex symbol superstar success". Which, to his credit is a lot of esses but I'd rather hear a little more detail. Sass claims he's changed from Good Boy to Dream Boy. Yeah, like his current popularity is entirely due to his singing ability. I'm talking to you, Miss Kalanadian and your entire 7th grade class. Zack calls him an Old Soul again and proclaims it "naked, honest and wonderful". I'm not sure whether it's honest, or whether Kalan just has some sort of scary ability to inhabit a song without fully understanding it, like a doppelganger, but with lip gloss and blonde curls. 7th graders all over the country giggle - Zack said "naked".

Kalan towels off the drool and heads for the stool. Brian proclaims him to have "the voice of an angel and the shoes of Liberace". That was actually funny. Beelzebub appears to ask if someone could please turn up the heat. Blah blah votecakes and on to the commercials.

We're back with Lionel and Theresa. Theresa was legitimately thrilled to meet him. Lionel claimed there was an "old jazz black lady" in her somewhere. I don't know where she's hiding; Theresa probably weighs about 110 soaking wet. Lionel goes on to say that she is "just discovering who she is" and that it is "beautiful to watch this vulnerability". That pretty much sums up why Theresa has been safe through a couple of unfortunate song choices. Theresa says that Lionel saw her as a shy person. She's using a mike stand tonight and looks as good as she ever has, which is pretty good. She sings Hello and aside from a few weak notes off the start, she's completely at home with the piece. She's dropped some of her older mannerisms like the shoulder shrug and looks very comfortable. She has a few more arm motions than Kalan, but nothing distracting - the performance is all about the voice and the person showing through the voice. It is warm, heartfelt and sweet. When I heard she was going to scat I worried that it was going to be inserted just for the sake of being Ms Jazz Girl. However the little bit of scat that she works in near the end feels like it belongs there and is in fact the best part of the song. This is in my opinion as good as anything she's done yet, but with suckier material, so pretty much her best work.

Judges - Farley is glad she "infused who she is" with the scat but doesn't have anything else to say. Sass points out the weakness at the start but again praises the scat. Zack says she's short on power but then goes on to say it's such a "deeply emotional, affecting performance that it's impossible to fault". Wha? Sounds like that was faulting it. Theresa has never been long on power, but the word is that she has been fighting some throat problems lately so that may be what he was referring to. Jake found it "just beautiful". I agree, and there is no chance that either Theresa or Kalan will be going home this week.

A few breathy thank-yous later, Theresa is on the stool. Ben claims he can scat. I think he's full of scat, myself. Vote for number 2. Theresa steadfastly refuses to raise any fingers. Yay.

Shane's turn with Lionel. Lionel praises his technical singing ability, and says Shane is going "that way" when everyone else is going the other way. If by "that way", Lionel means "headed for a career singing jingles for DisneyWorld", I'm in total agreement. Otherwise, I'm just confused. Shane got some good career advice apparently, but we don't get to hear it. Apparently it didn't involve any dance moves, as we're treated to Shane slowly, stiffly walking forward like some Frankensinger as he sings the slow intro to Angel. It's quite possible that I've heard the song before, but it's such a generic piece of discoish fluff that I'd be startled if I recognise it on the radio tomorrow. It's perfectly suited to Shane, and he gives a flawless performance. And by flawless, I mean without any unnecessary emotion, grit or flair. It's his best performance to date and I just don't care.

Judges - Sass was left "slightly speechless". With praise like that, the man is bound to go far. Zack calls it "very creditable". Ouch. Jake responds that "while it might not be for Zack, it's definitely for millions of other people". Jake said he "took chances", which I guess is true if you call selecting one of two non-monster hit Lionel songs in the show taking a chance. Farley labels him "one of the most technically sound singers we've got" and says he nailed it. They were all positive, but one gets the distinct impression that they feel he's not long for this competition and don't want to kick him on the way down.

Shane provides one of his insincere tilted smiles and goes to get his weekly dose of Ben. Ben offers a lame crack about a dance party and makes with the digits.

Lionel describes Kaleb as "quiet fire" and "seething with creativity". Truly was originally supposed to be a Barbra Streisand song. Kaleb would like to do it "nicely". Seems to me that "nicely" is a pretty low target when you could lose the vote to someone who upped the ante with "passionately" or even "on key". Kaleb shuffles onto stage with that shoulder swinging, crotch-grabbing hip-hop pose that looks either really cool, or like he has to go potty. Considering the steaming pile he left on the floor this week, I choose the latter. I'm as much of a Kaleb fan as a middle-aged Dwarf from the prairies can be, but this just didn't work. He started out well enough, but derailed after the first few bars. He was horribly flat in several key places: big, well-known moments in the song where there is zero wiggle room - you don't hit them a half tone down and call it "making it your own", you hit them or you don't bother with the song. After he'd blown the big notes on "truly" several times he decided he hadn't butchered that word enough and added a bunch of melisma, but missed the mark pitch-wise once again. What a train-wreck - every opportunity for the glory note went horribly wrong.

Judges - Zack came closest to the truth when he said it "wasn't your strongest singing" and that the "vocal inflections overshadowed the song" but then summed up by saying that it "don't matter, love ya anyways". I think this was the real attitude of all the judges - they know that as a deeply polarising contestant he's one bad performance away from the boot, so they're doing what they can here to save him. Jake continues the damage control by claiming that although certain songs are embedded in our minds, Kaleb did it like it was his song. He carefully avoided saying whether it was any good or not. Farley liked how he represented the song and praised his physical movement and "soft aggression". Sass called him a "spectacular singer". Again, both are avoiding the topic of the performance itself. Kaleb swings his shoulders back and forth and looks like a 5-year-old who's been given a cookie. For not pissing his pants, I guess.

On the stool with Ben the comment is "maybe, Canadian Idol"? Foreshadowing, your guide to quality literature. Digits are given on Ben's part, squirming and mugging occur on Kaleb's part.

Back from commercial, we are subjected to our weekly laff-fest with Jon Dore. This week, Jon is sick to his stomach. Write your own jokes here, people.

AI contestants get to pimp Ford cars. CI contestants get to pimp Kraft condiments. I guess claims that we're less cheesy have no merit. There is a briefly funny moment where the contestants parody the judges in a Jell-O-judging contest. Elena, Jacob and Kaleb do a fairly creditable Sass, Zack and Farley respectively.

Back to the main block of cheese. Jacob looks distinctly unimpressed during the standard greeting hug with Lionel. According to Lionel Jacob is "scary", "out of control" and is likely to "mess the competition up". One is unsure whether Ritchie has these opinions all on his own, or whether he's just been briefed by the CI publicists. Jacob says that picking a song will either make or break your performance. He sings Brick House pretty much in the original style, but camped up and with some old disco moves, including a pretty good rubber leg shake. I'm still trying to figure out exactly where this performance broke. I think partially song choice, because when everyone else is teeing off on the ballads, doing a silly, misogynistic disco song seems a good way to fail. Partly it was because it was predictable. Once the songs had been announced, everyone figured he would do Brick House, we all had a vision of how he might do it which was pretty close to what he did, and we were mostly a little disappointed not to be surprised. But mostly, I don't think he had his heart in it. When he did Bowie and Anka, you could tell he had a real affection for the material. He didn't connect with this one, and as a result the performance ratcheted up into camp. The vocals themselves were pretty good.

Judges - Jake found it "a little too campy". Farley said Jacob needs balance between entertainment and ability to sing, and that he would like to hear him sing a little bit more. Sass had a little schtick prepared and wasn't about to let an unexpected off performance ruin it - she declares him "entertainer of the year" with an envelope. Zack bickers good-naturedly with Sass before telling Jacob that it's "time to put away boyish things" and that it was "not even that great for what it was". Except for Sass, dead-on remarks from the judges. Jacob shrugs and heads for the stools.

Back at the stools, Ben proclaims that Jacob has another all-purpose outfit along with the purple jump suit. Purple? I guess we expect colour blindness from a man who has his face painted orange for television.

Elena is giving us the cuckoo sign, cause she's wild! and crazy! She says meeting Lionel was "absolutely amazing". Lionel likes her "energy" and says that vocally she is a "power belter". He advises her to "make it yours" and that it should be something "she can own". Thanks for that incisive advice from 35 years in the business, Lionel. We get a big thumbs-up from Elena, a shot of wacky!Queens!guy! and then she strides out onto the stage to sing Fancy Dancer. She gives us the psycho sideways eyes before swinging into the piece. The first few notes are in her lower register and are rich and very full - I wish she would sing there more often. She sometimes has an annoying tone when she's higher up, but down low she's really good. She breaks out the crouch, the basketball dribble, the strut - all Elena moves we've seen before, but used to good effect in a song that requires movement. Kalan or Theresa could not have pulled this off, and I think there's a place in the competition for Elena. She's about as "funky" as she was "bluesy" last week, which is to say about as good as can be expected given her age and background. I really enjoyed it.

Judges - I guess it's more forgivable to be a rich college kid and be funky than it is to be bluesy. The judges finally give her due. Farley says she found a song where she can "let loose" and that it was "really funky and well done". Sass thanked her for "not breaking her roll" this week, which I of course heard as "not breaking her role". Works either way. Zack said this show is "getting to be no fun at all" for him and proclaims her performance as "wicked". Jake said this sort of performance is why they put her through all this way, which is quite unfair seeing as a couple of shows ago they were criticising her for being too wacky.

Lionel calls Jason a "power singer" and says he is "not suffering from any lack of self-esteem". I get the distinct impression that he didn't much care for Jason. Jason says he's been singing Easy for 10 years. This doesn't bode well. How can you work up enthusiasm for something you've been doing for so long that's not even your own song? A brief shot of "family and friends" including Anna Cyzon to spark the rumour mills, and Ben introduces the song. Jason walks out to a mike stand, which is a good thing. His habit of dropping the hand-held mike after every single phrase, no matter how brief, really bugs. After the first phrase, I think we might be OK. Then he points to "girl" and he's dead to me. To be fair, this is his best performance yet. He's not bouncing around on one foot and pointing to the ceiling, the dimples are under some sort of control, and there are no exhortations to the audience. He's also technically sound, with a few minor glitches. These are all good things, but the man is still 100% cheese. He's one of those guys who figures if you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.

Judges - oddly enough, on his best performance the judges are strangely subdued. I don't understand why they've bought into any other thing he's done, but on this one they soft-peddle a bit. Sass says "excellent job". Zack labels it "solid" and says he "doesn't have a lot of issues with it". Jake claims he was won over by emotion and conviction. Farley was underwhelmed, as was I.

Hope you enjoyed this recap - I'm not sure I'll find the time and energy to do another. I'm now filled with respect and wonder for the staffers at TwoP who do this week after week, for several shows apiece.