Joe Dwarf: I had to laugh at the start of this thing, as Zack snarls something about no poseurs, and out pops poseurs #1, 2 and 3 (Jason, Shane and Josh). I loves me some irony on CI.
Shoebox: Well. That was...not all that inspiring, on the whole. Even the great performances did not much for me, or Shoemom, who spent a goodly part of the show flinching away in embarrassment (and the rest largely in asking me "Who're they? Do you know this song?")
Check that. She also expended much energy in motioning urgently for me to fast-forward past Benedict. Happy to oblige, Mom, happy to oblige.
The trip to the Hall of Fame...features not one soundbite that I could not have predicted (except maybe Josh's disquisition on guitars). I am suddenly enormously tired of the same old schticks...even Kalan's is wearing thin, sort of.
Joe Dwarf: On to the suck, and there was plenty of it tonight.
Shoebox: Jason. OK, enough. The man just either does not have what it takes or doesn't care. Or, of course, he's just that dim, which after sight of the do' rag strikes me as a distinct possibility. At any rate, that he has spent many years performing for people whose standards are thoroughly clouded by beer was really obvious tonight.
Joe Dwarf: New! improved! Jason! without any unnecessary singing, just more hopping.
Shoebox: Shane. Shane, Shane, Shane. [Insert Shoemom throwing me the Glare of 'This Is Like When You Said MST3K Would Be Funny, Right?' here]. When the judges said "take risks", see, they, um...didn't mean that many. You want to leave a couple for your next 275 performances, after all. Kudos for finding the, uh, humour in the situation, I guess. [Insert me throwing up my hands and yelping "Don't look at me, I didn't tell him to pick that song!" and Shoemom not looking mollified in the slightest.]
Joe Dwarf: Shane, like several others tonight picks a song that is so totally not him. Somehow 3 of the judges liked it. I didn't buy it for a second.
Shoebox: Josh...sang...a nice song...and...well...hang on, I'm sure something of interest happened. You go on reading while I work it out, OK? This may take awhile.
Joe Dwarf: He did a passable job with Iris. I think he's safe.
Shoebox: Theresa. Is not Janis Joplin. Is, in fact, apparently not much more than the nice, slightly nerdy, glasses-girl she appears to be...who thinks that Tanya Tucker sequins and demurely waved hair is the correct getup in which to sing a Janis Joplin song on Rock'n'Roll night. Damn. I feel your pain, Zack.
Joe Dwarf: I feel Zack's pain too, but just what the hell is she supposed to do? If she picks a rock ballad or something more in tune with what she is, she gets crucified for being boring. So she sings one of her hero's pieces, but she needs to have several magnitudes shittier a life to give that song any depth. As usual, she hits all the notes but that wasn't good. Hopefully she'll survive, the rest of the themes will be much more kind to her. Worse than the song, what was up with that outfit? Yeesh.
Shoebox: Kalan. Reaches for the moon and gets about halfway there or so. Like Theresa exposed some limitations, primarily of the teenage-boy-trying-to-outdo-Mick-Legend variety, so - probably unlike Theresa - not fatal or anything. "Well, of course he doesn't sound like Jagger,I never thought he [Mick] had a good voice anyway," Shoemom (the ex-Beatlemaniac) says protectively. "That song's all monotone. Kalan's voice doesn't do that - it's too beautiful." (She added something about "just wanting to take him home and put him on the mantelpiece." I was afraid to ask. Especially since we don't have a mantelpiece.)
Joe Dwarf: He started out strong, then descended into glory-noting boredom. He's got to change it up, week after week of mid-tempo classic rock is starting to bore the snot out of me and I don't have the right hormones to appreciate the performance other than the singing.
Shoebox: Elena. Well, shoot me down and slap me silly - sorry, aftereffects from Theresa's sequins - but I really, really liked that performance. She looked beautiful and she gave the song everything it needed - yes, OK, except the years and years of hard-knocks and heroin addictions and men treating her wrong and her dog dying or whatever it takes to sing the blues properly. Let's just say she did more credit to the source material than either Theresa or Kalan.
Joe Dwarf: Elena was pretty good, in a clueless-rich-kid-sings-the-blues-as-a-class-project sort of way. She put more oomph into her bad song choice than Theresa or Shane did with theirs, so good on her. Plus I do have the right set of hormones for her.
Shoebox: Jacob. Shoemom is delighted, mostly: "James Dean! Except...they never wore their jeans that baggy back then." Same ol' same ol' for me: brilliantly done, performance instincts impeccable, kudos for making sure everyone understands that you can actually sing...but I didn't feel it in the slightest. Also, Jake? He isn't rock'n'roll. He's something just across and to the left.
Joe Dwarf: He picked a mainstream song (OK, an album cut) and sang it straight, with great success. He's 19, he wants to get laid - we understand that he understands. Best performance of the night, although it's still not great even by Idol standards.
Shoebox: Kaleb...Props, man, all props. You did what none of your competition could do tonight; you took a rock classic and you made it into something equally great. Plus, lookin' good. Which, tonight, is a fairly amazing accomplishment all by itself.
Joe Dwarf: I thought this was pretty good, although for once I think he could have lost the melisma. The song just didn't have any honest opportunity for it, and he had already changed it up enough with tone and style, didn't need to fart around on every available half-note. Still, 2nd best of the night.
On the chopping block this week: Shane, Theresa, Jason. Gone? Jason I hope, but Theresa's in real danger. Two weeks of meh in a row, not good.
Results Show
Shoebox: Group sing - Loved how Kalan has apparently decided to throw caution to the winds, throw back his head, and kick it. That was authentic Freddie Mercury for a minute there. (Kaleb sounded fantastic too; Jacob, not so much. Queen doesn't really work unless it's absolutely straight-faced.)
So, OK, it was Kalan-style caution-throwing...meaning his eyes never left his Reeboks the whole entire number...but hey, he took the right lessons away from last night, and good on him. Theresa, too. And was Jason not born to sing Bob Seger? (Shane, however, was definitely not. I think zenner's nailed it, I think he's basically mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.) The whole thing kind of reminds me of last year's Motown results night, when all those hertofore wincingly soul-free kidlets suddenly morphed into a bunch of mini-Marvins. Great stuff. Except Shane. And Josh.
I think Zany's found an even less appealing portion of his anatomy than his butt. Kalan still looks like he wants to call security every time he gets close. Go with your instincts, boy! The girls will back you up!
Interesting, how many people were convinced they were goners tonight. Even Jacob looked nervous-ish. Jason and Theresa were downright resigned.
Bottom three: Elena shouldn't have been there. Shane, stop smiling. And shrugging. Josh...is quite obviously going to go home and finish off a mickey or two of VO.
Shoemom's interesting take on the Great Departing Canadian...well, you know: "He just reminds me of a movie extra. You know, the guy they get to hang around, do stuff in the background, make jokes. He'd never be the the hero."