Shoebox: OK...so I finally got through to some mp3s ...and I tend to agree with Shoesis, this morning after i begged her to tape the show: "You didn't miss much. Whole lot of crap."

(And here we all thought the bad mojo was Motown's fault last year. Turns out it's just second nights in general.)

Joe Dwarf: I was delayed too, thanks to being on the suckiest week of camping that ever sucked. Fortunately, I have a VCR that works so here we both go with the late review.

Shoebox: Jacob. I'm less totally blown away than I was last night, and more inclined to agree with the Toller Cranston thing. But, damn, as soon as he's knocked off there will be theatrical producers lined up at the stage door.

Joe Dwarf: Yowza! That was, again, really really entertaining. It would be nice to hear the judges comment on the actual singing though, which is surprisingly good underneath all the flash. He definitely carries certain mannerisms through every performance but I don't think I've heard him sing a bad note.

Shoebox: Kalan...Well, this is a new and pleasant experience. Last year, my favourite went down in flames the second night. This year, he's just locked up the CI title, probably. Damn, but this kid is unbelievable. To look like he does, act like he does, and pull off not only Steppenwolf but this song...damn. I wish to hear no more Clay comparisons. (Shoemom the ex-Beatlemaniac's assessment: "You know how somebody tells them to cheer after every performer? You can usually tell. But this...[cocks her head at the shrieking speaker]...this is the real thing. I know, I was there once too.")

Joe Dwarf: Kalan - ok. He sang that well but it didn't do a whole bunch for me. He's gonna win this thing but I really need to see something more than completely straight covers of rock classics. I think he's just rattling through the catalog of his band.

Shoebox: Theresa...y'know, I seem to recall Billy dedicating his horrendous Motown night song choice to his Gramma, last year. Memo to contestants: Your immediate relatives have bad, bad taste in music. Write it down...or we may be forced to tattoo it on your foreheads. At that, it wasn't a total disaster. There were some nicely-textured spots. Unfortunately, there was also this one note that she kept on missing, routinely, right in the middle of a warble that was a truly bad idea to begin with. (Shoemom: "Really makes you appreciate Petula Clark, doesn't it?") I am so, so disappointed in her, for the same reasons Zack was.

Joe Dwarf: Sigh. In her defence, she hit all the notes and was one of the only ones to pick a legitimate British Invasion song. But that was really boring and the only thing that saved her is past performances and the vast well of suck that is Manoah. I think her best chance at this stage is to be the anti-Jacob, anti-Kalan. Jacob takes the theme and runs with it performance-wise, Kalan takes it straight and somehow sells it. Neither is musically very adventurous. She's got to be the one to change it up. I heard Shawn Colvin the other day on the radio doing a slow, bluesy version of Viva Las Vegas - that's the sort of thing Theresa should be doing for Rock & Roll night. Take a page out of the Holly Cole catalog and bend a standard out of shape.

Shoebox: Manoah. Who is mostly drowned out by the backing track (the same one that Annie Lennox was able to use almost as an extension of her own voice). Which is good, because if I had been able to hear her perky!-ing up the Eurythmics any more clearly, my desire to march up the Bridal Path and drop that bloody chandelier on her would've become reflexive. That little "Whoo!" at the end alone was enough to push me dangerously close to the edge.

Seriously, doing that song - which you have to know the audience will instinctively have running through their heads from the moment they hear the backbeat - yeah, that's Idol suicide, all right.

Joe Dwarf: Horrific. I've long wondered why big voices like Whitney have been covered but not Annie - the answer is that despite technical excellence, Whitney is still Velveeta. Annie is not. Trying to live up to that much voice, that much cool, that much anguish would give a much better performer than Manoah hives. The outfit and theatrics just made it worse. Now if she'd come out in a bright orange brushcut I might have thrown her some votes... a cheesy hat? Not enough.

Shoebox: Jason. Either I'm in the throes of extremely early-onset Alzheimer's, or did that song used to be called (and sung as) Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting? Anyhow...it was typical Jason. HATE-fuel for me, great unintentional comedy for Shoesis and -mom, who if they lived in Newfoundland would absolutely go see him in his bar. ("He's Tyler Hamilton with more life in him!" Shoemom keeps explaining to me. "We gotta get him a cowboy hat, then you'd see.") Was impressed by his assured response to Zack's most excellent advice...then Jake had to open his big mouth, and even Shoemom couldn't hide an eyeroll. ("Gotta get him a hat," she kept muttering.)

Joe Dwarf: Arrgg. I've said all I can say about this guy. The only thing I can add is that he fucked up the lyrics to one of the best known songs in history. The rest I'll quote from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix's panel discussion article on the show: "The absolute worst person was Jason. He's like a football player at a karaoke machine. A drunk football player at a karaoke machine." "Yes, you know I was thinking, go up to Brightwater for a slowpitch tournament in July and there's always the big barn dance, and all the local yahoos are being local yahoos, and this guy reminded me of someone who gets up on the table at two in the morning at this barn dance and is just the drunken buffoon."

Shoebox: Elena. Owwwwwch. I think she hit another of those notes meant only for dogs...or goats...also a couple others that were less than fun for my ears anyhow.

Joe Dwarf: She oversang that horribly. Just as bad a song choice as Theresa's, and executed way worse. Some of the notes in her big glory-noting run near the end were just awful. She looks hot though, of the girls she's clearly the one most comfortable on stage, in her own skin and with her general skinny-ass good looks.

Shoebox: Despite being almost hysterically oversung, that was the world's most forgettable Idol performance ever. Until Shane. Boy, is this kid meh. He's like the King of Meh, only that would indicate a degree of personality. He's a walky-talky pane of glass, basically. No connexion to the music at all, except maybe that it's a pretty song and I'm happy to sing it and oh, isn't my voice pretty? Go away, pretty boy, even as a Clay wannabe you're aways out of your league.

Joe Dwarf: Meh. King of meh. At least he sang it well enough and didn't run out of breath this week. Dude has a nice voice and that's all you can say. Maybe he'd do better if Jacob used his nail gun to tack his ears to his head.

Shoebox: Kaleb...Shoemom is having one of those visceral reactions to a song again. ("You have to sing that the way Clapton wrote it! It's ridiculous! Just awful!") I...kind of agree. It's a brilliant vocal, but it's the wrong song to practice it on. Yes, Kaleb, you can change up pop standards. We know. Thank you, it's a really keen trick. Now we want to hear some of this great soul you keep promising us, OK?

Joe Dwarf: OK, I'm feeling it. I don't know why I like this guy, I normally hate this stuff. But as someone else said, maybe it's because the melisma is the singing for him. OTOH I've never cared for Miles Davis. I like my jazz with melody, thanks.

Shoebox: Josh. Is not Bono. Is, in fact, not even close to Kalan. Has no interesting texture to his voice whatsoever. And I don't care if you slipped in through a loophole (the theme was extended to take in the "British Isles"), that wasn't quite cricket. However, unlike Shane, he has a bonafide personality, and unlike Manoah it doesn't make me want to slap him, so I can live with him staying around awhile longer.

Joe Dwarf: Josh - goodonyer. This is as good as it gets for Josh, I suspect. I think he's shot his wad with this one. I enjoyed it though, he clearly feels a connection to it and sang the crap out of it. The hair was hilariously bad. I note the curls were back 24 hours later - they cannot be contained by mere l'Oreal product.

Results Show

Shoebox: I want Shane to stop smiling. Now.

I have an uneasy feeling that, when/if Kaleb is ever actually eliminated, he will shout 'F--- you!" at the audience, turn, and stomp out. Then security will have to be tightened at the Idol mansion.

I think my Grampa owns Ben's shirt. Which means Ben probably bought it at Wal-Mart.

Joe Dwarf: Group sing - Mrs. Dwarf and I laughed and laughed. That was the most hilariously goofball grouper yet. Mrs. Dwarf on Elena's moves "she really knows what she's doing out there". Yep. Manoah with the hip thrusts - please, just don't. Theresa with no hip movement whatsoever - there's the Ukrainian Catholic in her.

Shoebox: Hilarious, not intentionally. As a group, they're fantastic soloists. (Single funniest moment: Kalan at the edge of the stage, growling about how he can't get no satisfaction - and me believing him again! It's getting eerie - and cut to Josh, bobbing and clapping and smiling for all the world like he was trying to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony! You never saw such a disconnect from a song in your life.)

Joe Dwarf: And.... bye, Manoah. No surprises whatsoever in the final three or in the boot.

Shoebox: Manoah was the correct choice. "Now I have to go prove people wrong again"?! Where's the Lord (and his thunderbolts) when you really need him?

Joe Dwarf: Looking forward to Rock & Roll week. My vote? Theresa goes balls-out with "Piece of My Heart" and either tears the house down or resigns herself to a career of coffee-shop music.