A Players Guide for Keeping Conductors In
Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual
for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only
music, but
one-upmanship. It seems as if many players take pride in getting the
conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a
guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor.
(Variations and additional methods depend upon the
imagination and skill of the player).
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch
takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you,
where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills
the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when
the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know
you're there as a personal favour.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every
opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions.
Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of
dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best
because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and
clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor of your C# was
in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C#
or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be
correcting a note in your part).
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting)
be busy marking your music so that the climaxes
will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well in a rehearsal before letting the conductor know
you don't have any music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it
frequently.
14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of
the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two
from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this
piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake
your head indicating that you'll never be able to play
it. Don't say anything, make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor
which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal 15 minutes early so that others
will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make
the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really
important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life:
just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds degrees
from Northwestern University and Eastman
School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the
educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
