Folk/Rock/Pop Music Jokes
Banjo Jokes
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of
course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum
cleaner.
Guitar Jokes
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of
his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it
better.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his
amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead
guitarists who are hogging the light.
In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a
light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much
better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even
the lead singer noticed?
Accordion Jokes
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story
building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain
Bumper Stickers:
Play an accordian--go to jail!
Three rows and you're out!
Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
Chang Jokes
A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as
Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer
with a damper pedal.
How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.
Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.
Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one
to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that
they might as well flip the switch.
Misc. Jazz/Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular
Why do bagpipe players walk while they
play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered
dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out
of prison.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."
"Hey man, I just do sound."
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs
it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape,
changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch
cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it
should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures
of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his
forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What
kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make
such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without
the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the
Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them
that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take
them off into eternity, he grants each musician with
one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first
musician says he was a Country & Western musician
and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last
hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz
musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips.
Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a
wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an
Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love
you.'"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you
that you have cancer and you have only one more year
to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an
entire year?"
