General Jokes
Conductor Jokes
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which
one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in
wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European
Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's
footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry,he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls
back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At
last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to
hear you say it."
A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a
trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next
rehearsal."
So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up
with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat
God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to
bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to
the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like
as a conductor?"
"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von
Karajan."
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables
showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close
to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's
manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to
refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went
backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of
them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he
started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them
could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking
everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no
luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in
starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the
crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse
standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he
exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the
manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?"
The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really
hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The
manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed
"Let me see," but although it was able to stand up
on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep
upright long enough to last through an entire
movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of
resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how
about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and
then without a word turned around, presented its
hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However,
right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the
street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager
"We can't have this horse conduct! What would the
orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop
lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this
angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living
in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the
blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he
bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely
he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there."
"Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and
did not see to step out of your way."
A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally
the snake said, "This is the best conversation I
have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to
see what you are like?"
"Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead."
So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and
snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and
warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit."
"Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?"
"Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on
the path.
The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew
back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and
slimy... you must be a conductor!"
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows
him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's
$5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him
'Maestro'."
"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal
intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors
are made?"
A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He
was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he
left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong."
The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who
did that?"
A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After
his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What
do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented
musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets
together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he
asked him.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied
the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and
said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He
said he felt very uneasy about hiring this
violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The
conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train
to London.
Musician Jokes
What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.
Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.
What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
The stages of a musician's life:
Who is name?
Get me name.
Get me someone who sounds like name.
Get me a young name.
Who is name?
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The
other didn't have any money either.
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several
musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter
of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals,
except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the
dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank
the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course,
humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the
performance."
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a
Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St.
Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit
on my laurels--I divided all my money among my
entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about
three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big
in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide
for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the
Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast
look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my
entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on
Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What
did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on
Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a
bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a
prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work,
let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and
prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about
you to try to figure out what's going on. What do
you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get
something to eat!"
Variations on a Theme
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
The seamstress tucks and frills.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says "Tuck the frills."
Miscellaneous
"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an
hour."
--Rossini
"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
"A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."
"A drummer is a musician's best friend."
from a Martin Mull album.
"The present day composer refuses to die."
-- Edgar Varese
"Beethoven had an ear for music."
-- anonymous
"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which
is two."
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
His name was feedo.
What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an
augmented chord?
A demented chord.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass
player are at the four corners of a football field. At the
signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and
they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.
Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.
Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"
When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church
could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to
have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!"
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same
block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After
years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign
in the window saying: "We make the best violins in
Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their
window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the
world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop
saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental
institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and
backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the
institutionalized patients.
"Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was
stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so
clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said
the patient.
"Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty
normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by
chance a musician?"
"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've
played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms,
Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient.
"Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as
well?"
"Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps,
all of the major ones," said the patient.
"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist.
"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire,"
said the patient.
Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?"
All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String
quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's
Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton
Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't
have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after
page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street
from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local
musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the
symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the
stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and
feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone
suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a
few brews.
When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were
musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks.
Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to
mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of
them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be
late!"
The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates,
but finally those who were still conscious had to give
up and run across the street to the Opera House.
While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this
excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have
enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I
tied a string around the last pages of the score. When
he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way
down while he waves the baton with one hand and
fumbles with the string with the other."
Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their
entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told
them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After
all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.
