How many [insert musicians here]
does it take to change a light bulb?
Second violinists? None. They can't get up that high.
Violists? None. They're not small enough to fit.
String bass players? None. The piano player can do it with his left
hand.
Bass players? I...V...I...(I...IV...V...V7...I...)
Clarinetists? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs
before he finds just the right one.
Saxophone players? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate
how David Sanborn would have done it.
Trumpet players? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how
much better they could have done it.
Trombonists? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
French horn players? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the
bulb for alignment and leaks.
Tuba players? Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the
room spins.
Drummers? 1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" 2. Only one, but
he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they
can't just be pushed in. 3. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to turn
the throne (but only after they figure out that you have
to turn the bulb). 4. None. They have a machine to do that.
Sopranos? 1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to
get her accompanist to do it. 3. Four. One to change the bulb and three
to pull the chair out from under her.
Altos? 1. None. They can't get that high. 2. Two. One to screw it in
and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Tenors? Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could
have done it better if they'd had the high notes.
Basses? None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang
their shins.
Guitarists? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could
do it better.
Chang players? All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours and
the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going
to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.
Country & Western singers? Three. One to change the bulb and two to
sing about the old one.
Sound men? 1. One, two three...One, two, three... 2. "Hey, man. I just
do sound." 3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he
takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and
duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount,
finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet
from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the
rest of the band.
Deadheads? 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take
pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until
it burns out.
Punk-rock musicians? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to
smash the old one on his forehead.
Jazz musicians? 1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford lightbulbs. 2.
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
Producers? ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
