The Great Lunch War
There are not too many things in this world that seriously irritate me. There is one thing, however, that I have to face every day. That one thing is the beginning of lunch. Here is a typical situation that I usually have to deal with while I have lunch.
The teacher has stopped teaching. All of the students in the classroom are busy packing up their things so that they can leave for lunch. I pack my things and then stare at my watch to count down the seconds until lunch.
Sixty seconds. Ok not too long. I wonder what they are serving in the cafeteria today? I think to myself.
A short time later my stomach starts to rumble and I begin to feel hunger sweep over me. Again I look at my watch.
Oh man! Thirty seconds to go. Will you hurry up you stupid watch?
I stare at my watch for what seems to be an eternity.
Okay. Five seconds to go. Four seconds. Three seconds. Two seconds. One second.
The bell rings and I head off to the lunchroom. Before I can leave my classroom however, I have to wait for a mob of students to move away from the doorway.
Come on people! It isn’t that hard to get through a @#%$ doorway! I am hungry and I do not want to wait in a long line. Move now!!!
After a short period I manage to get passed the mob at the door and I am confronted with another in the hall.
Is everyone in this school purposely moving slowly to the cafeteria just to keep me from getting there?
I dodge some crowds and, if they are excessively large, plow strait through others. After a long battle, I finally get to the lunch line. There are maybe between ten and fifteen kids ahead of me in line.
Okay. Not too many people have arrived before me. I can wait through this without punching someone. Just take deep cleansing breaths. That’s it. Take it nice and slow.
Half of the people get served and I can now see what is for lunch.
Hmm… I could have a burger. Nah. I guess I’ll have a rib sandwich. I think I will also have some potatoes with that. Maybe some garlic bread too.
I wait until there are only about two people left. I flip my large orange backpack in front of me so that I can get my money out of it. I ferret around in there until I manage to find two dollars. Meanwhile, two goons are managing to force themselves to the front of the line. They get to me and since my bag is blocking all of the available space around me, they tap me on the shoulder and say, “Excuse me.”
Excuse me? Excuse me?! What do you expect me to do? Just let you cut in line for no good reason? What kind of a peon do you think I am? There is no way you are getting by me you jerks!
“May I help you?” I answer.
“We would like to get our food before you.” one of them tells me.
Well there is one thing I can say for you. At least you are honest. Stupid, but honest. Unfortunately for you there is this one little habit us normal thinking humans have. When a group of us want to get something, we stand one behind the other so that we get things on a first come, first serve basis. As strange as this habit may seem to you two goons, we call it a line, and it works well enough for us. TRY USING IT!!!
I stare at them while this thought processes through my head and then I simply say (in some strange unidentifiable accent) “Explain yourselves. I am not from around here and do not understand your strange customs very well.”
They seem shocked at my response to what they had to say and then begin to say in a threatening manor “Let us by kid.”
You aren’t getting by, but if you want to throw a punch, I can make sure that the both of you spend lunch on the floor. Come on! I haven’t fought in years and I have missed it.
I then state (in the same unidentifiable accent) “Why? I do not understand.”
I can tell that the two big goons are beginning to get irritated by the way that they clench their fists. I guess they then realize that they were not getting past me (finally), because they simply turn around and storm off to the back of the line in a fit of rage.
Ha ha! You losers! You chickens! The two of you are bigger than me, probably stronger than me, and could probably just shove right by me if you wanted to but I stood my ground and won! I am the man! I am king of the world! No one can stop me now!!
I finally get to the front of the line and I make my order. I tell the lunch lady “I would like a rib sandwich, some potatoes, and a piece of garlic bread.”
The crazy lady gets the rib meat and puts it in the bun, but then she puts the sandwich on the counter instead of putting it in a tray. I stare at her as though she had just farted during a funeral. She realizes her stupidity and then puts the sandwich on a tray and hands it to me. Still I stare at her. She then realizes that she forgot to put in the potatoes and garlic bread. She takes the tray back, puts the correct food in and says something around the lines of, “I am sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me today.”
I snatch my tray from her hands and move down the line. I grab a cookie, one of those pouches of juice, and a box of milk. I enter my lunch number into the keypad and hand my money to the lady at the register. “Hello Mark,” she tells me.
My name isn’t Mark you reject! I don’t see how you can get that wrong when you have my name sitting right in front of you on the cash register screen you moron!
“Hello,” I answer.
I fork over my cash and leave the lunch line. Eventually I find a place to sit.
Finally! I can eat!
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