I am having a bad state of affairs right now. This is because I am NOT motivated to do anything school related. I have a psych test tomorrow and haven't studied for it. And it is 12:14 AM...I have to be up at 6:45...and the test is at 11:00. I hope I can pull off a decent grade. It's multiple choice...maybe the big JC will point me in the right direction. "What's that big JC? Number 1 is A?" Come on big boy...don't fail me now.

Mom just got done apologizing to me for going off on me. She went off on me because I didn't get home last night until...this morning. She thinks I got home at 3:30, but I got home at 5:00. She only waited up for me until 2:30. She thinks I fell asleep at Jessica's.

I can't study, nor can I sleep, because I keep thinking, thinking, thinking. I did a crazy thing last night. I hung with Jessica and Zach until 12:30, after which I got into my car to go home. I had left my purse in my car, so I checked my cell phone when I got in to see if anyone had called. Londale had called, and my mom had called. My mom had wanted to know if I was going to the spiritual meeting with Jessica and if I was going anywhere afterwards. The spiritual meeting (the Conversations With God group) isn't until Tuesday...mom is ever confused. I wasn't going to call her since she was probably asleep. So I opted to call Londale while driving home to give me something to do to make the car ride more interesting -- and then I figured we'd talk more when I got home. Well, instead, he asked if I'd come to work and visit him. I knew with all my heart that he just wanted some play. In my head I imagined the dozens of different things that would happen. Where would we go to be out of range of the sleeping residents? Would we lock ourselves in the office...and he'd have me up against the copier? The possibilities were endless. But I knew for a fact that this boy didn't just REALLY want my company to, say, chat or something. So I got there. He was waiting by the door and let me in. I went and peed first -- since I'd been so nervous on the ride there...and made sure I looked succulent, of course, which I did. = ) So he led me to the TV room more toward the back of the building. It's away from the bedrooms...yet someone could still have gotten up at any time and peeked at us. We started out just chatting. Fast Times at Ridgemont High was on. We had nothing to talk about...mainly because I thought, "You just want to fuck me. Why pretend to have a conversation first?" He came right out and wanted me to show him my boobs. He is fascinated with them. I wouldn't show him (at least at first) because...well...to be honest, I'm used to just volunteering them to people, not being asked for them -- hehe. It got considerably more disrespectful and skanky from there...with him begging me to engage in various other things, which, for some reason, I obliged. This wasn't very feminist of me at all...because he was very domineering and disrespectful...but for some reason I let it happen anyway. I enjoyed being with him only because he was hot...he is the hottest guy I know -- but I didn't actually enjoy the way he WAS with me, both physically and attitude-wise. He wasn't...passionate...the way I am. When you fool around with someone, there are so many other places besides the obvious places -- being with him continuously would be so boring. So, basically, him being hot was hot...but him as a person is not hot. I could have just as likely fooled around with a manequin (sp?) of him...as long as the manequin like...had a motorized tongue and hand and looked just like him (and had his HOT ass)...God, I'm sleepy and giggling and stupid. Anyway, at the conclusion of the evening, he kissed me. I was very "I don't care if I talk to you for a very long time"ish...but he was "I'll call you tomorrow"ish. I got home at 5 and was in bed by 5:30...and back up again at 10 to be into work by noon. How CRAZY! And I lost one of my damned earrings during the whole ordeal so was looking in the couch cushions today, trying not to make it look suspicious or obvious (if there's a such way). I felt crappy all day, not because of what I did with him...but because we did it AT WORK, where child-like, precious people were sleeping...I've always frowned upon people fooling around in public places, like, "Can't they at least have the courteousy (sp? again...I'm stupid tonight) to find a private place?" Well, I am one of those people...sigh. As for Londale...I don't like his personality. I don't like his "fooling around" techniques. I don't like his lack of respect for me. The only thing I like is the way he looks. Is this a strong enough quality to keep me continuously doing this with him? No. Next time I talk to him, I'll tell him that the only reason I'm with him is because he's hot...and that that's too shallow of a thing for me. Knowing him, he'll say, "I don't mind." And I'll say, "But I do mind. This isn't me." And he'll put up a fight...because he's a persistent little bastard...but what I say will go because, dammit, I'm a feminist. I have said so many times that I won't let a man walk all over me again. And by fooling around with him last night, I don't think I did that. I still kept a lot of control. Now if I were to let it keep happening, then I'd be letting him walk over me. I think in the back of my mind, I knew it would be a one-time occurrence, so I didn't really care how shitty he was acting. One day I'm going to meet this great guy. And he's going to love me so much. And when we touch each other, it's going to be magical. And I'm not for a moment going to feel as though he's being selfish or taking advantage. Future guy, if you are reading this months or years from April 8, 2002...thank you for being in my life now. As for last night, it was a nice way of putting things into perspective...and for showing me that I can surprise myself...I can be daring, "naughty"...I mean, I could get fired if anyone finds out what happened! Someone could have woken up at any moment to walk into the scene...and could have told on us...and we'd have both lost a job. I know nothing about Londale, short of that he has like 2 sisters and 2 brothers (or something like that)...likes poetry...wants to be a chef...smokes weed...and lives in Finneytown. And is a shitty kisser. And is the hottest man I've ever touched.

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