I just realized today that April is about to be over! Today has been a very contemplative day, and I've come to realize that this past month has been one of those "defining" months in my life. You know how you think back on your life and on various moments and think, for instance, "Wow, the summer of '98 really helped to sculpt the person I am today"? Well, I think April, 2001 has been one of those months.

I apologize ahead of time because I'm not going to go into much detail...just make a lot of generalizations. This month has been full of a lot of self-realization. I've been my own Psychologist this month. It's funny how you think you know yourself...yet you really don't. You think, "If this particular situation were to arise, I'd act in this particular manner." But once it finally happens, you do something COMPLETELY unlike yourself...and thus, you begin realizing the motives behind a lot of the things you do, motives you never realized were there. This past month I've realized why I do what I do. And through this realization, I've began taking control of my life more. I didn't realize how out-of-control things were. Granted, I'm still pretty out-of-control, but I understand why now...and through that understanding, I can take control...eventually at least. Strength will come. I've been chillin' with God a lot this month...when you break down walls to become vulnerable over certain things, a little bit of everything seeps in, whether you want those little bits or not. God seeped in a bit, and I must say I'm relieved. I'd wondered if "He'd" ever be able to break down the wall I'd built up. But, hell, why should "He" have to break it down when I can take it down myself? Anyway, I'm sounding a bit psychotic, but I think I'll go on.

A HUGE thing I realized this month is that there is absolutely, 100% no such thing as HATE. Ah, I see you shaking your head like, "This chick is nuts." But I'll explain my rationale. You can still disagree afterwards if you'd like, but at least hear me out first. Hate, as perceived by human beings, is one of the absolute strongest emotions. Thus, in order to "hate" someone, you have to feel pretty strongly about him or her. It is not possible to feel strongly about someone who hasn't reeled you in, made you open yourself up to him or her...completely given yourself to him or her. And, in my opinion, it is not possible to completely give yourself to someone unless you love that person. Then, boom, that person does something that hurts you so badly, makes you feel so low, depressed, suicidal even...the sound of the person's name makes you retch...the thought of the person brings hurt tears to your eyes, mixed with raging anger...and you begin letting out that bitterness by speaking rather uncharitably about how that person has completely and utterly hurt you, telling people "I absolutely hate ___." The problem? You love that person. Can you love a person and hate that same person at the same time? Nope...you sure can't...because the 2 emotions neutralize each other. And if you notice...sometimes once that intense anger wears off, you just push that person away and begin to feel "neutral" about that person. Anyway, this argument sounded a whole lot better in my head...it makes less sense written out. But I tried. There are five people I feel or have felt intense anger towards...five people who have caused me to love so completely then ground me up into powder. Bitterness is truly an evil thing. It's as strong as love, for it stems off love. Could you be bitter and angry toward someone you don't love? Nope. Anyway, those five people...the bitterness comes from their robbing me of certain aspects of myself that I don't think I can ever get back. And that is why I am bitter. And I hope I get the hell over it. Of the five people, I think I'm almost "over" one of them. The other four...grrrrrrr.

Anyway, to bring this journal entry down a notch on the weirdness scale (you know you think I'm special, in the non-retarded way, even...wink wink), I've had a fun week. Wednesday was rather interesting. I spent the day with Angelina and Tyrone, who is not going to prison anymore because his cop ended up being a bad cop. As much as I love Tyrone, I realized this week that he's not all I thought he was. He has the mentality that things should just be handed to him on a silver platter...at least in my opinion. He's very street-smart, but what's he going to do when the world decides to stop giving him things for free? Tyrone, you're gonna be screwed. I still love you though. The Warehouse was INCREDIBLY strange. Angelina had this mildly psychotic guy following her around like a lost puppy. We think that he has VERY low self-esteem. I got hit on by this raver dude who had hit on Angelina like two times before. He must be really hard up for chicks because after I gave him the heave-ho (in a really interesting way that I'll describe momentarily), he was already up on a bunch of other biotches. Anyway, his pick-up lines included telling me what drugs he'd been on in the past 24 hours...as well as telling me how he'd please me in bed. He tried to coax me onto the couch with him, to which coaxing I replied, "I think I'm going to dance now." He tried to talk to me some more later, and I whispered to Angelina, "Be my girlfriend for the night!" So, he sat on the floor next to me, and she proceeded to take my hand and lay her head on my chest. Faster than you can say "Psycho Raver Boy In An Ugly Fishing Hat," he zoomed away. Well, we thought we were done with him for the night, but later he walked by me and patted me on the shoulder, in a way Angelina and I thought was saying, "Even if you're a dyke...I'm still here if you change your mind." What a loser! I think I'll avoid club boys, thank you very much. Yesterday was an equally as fun day, for Angelina and I hung out with Liz and Jen, who are a really wonderful couple. It usually takes awhile for me to feel comfortable and at-ease with people...and, hell, maybe this makes me a snob, but I rarely like people I meet enough to actually spend large amounts of time with them...but, I really, really like Liz and Jen and can totally be myself around them, despite that I've not even known them that long. Making new friends who see the world the messed up yet wonderful way I do is always good. Can I get an "Amen"...

More in May...

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