Yuck, Nathan's friend Christina tried to get him to cheat on me with her the other night. She won't stop coming onto him. He told her he's not interested. She's stopped talking about the issue...but she'll still go out of her way to touch him. I don't know why I let it bother me so much. He's clearly not interested in anyone but me...but I hate that this girl is just throwing herself at him. It's so sad because I REALLY liked her before she started this stuff. Nathan and I used to make jokes about her having a crush on him, but they were really based on nothing. But then it came true! We always made jokes about Matt being gay, and now we're really starting to think he is. We really need to watch what we joke about! Anyway, I'm depressed because she's over at his place right now, and they're alone. I shouldn't worry...he loves me so much. I'm almost completely sure he's the guy I'm going to marry...and he feels the same. So why am I worried? Why am I insecure? Sigh. I don't know what has happened this week, but we have suddenly reached a level of intimacy and wonderfulness that makes me feel SO incredibly happy and SO completely in love, moreso than I ever thought possible. He's so much a part of me now that I don't feel completely myself when he's not around. For instance, someone will say something that is funny because of one of our private jokes...and I'll feel horrible because he's not there to laugh about it with me. Or I'll hear some really tacky love song yet cry over it because I'm thinking of Nathan. Even goddamned Delilah on WARM 98 makes me fucking cry! The other day, we were together...and we'd just finished a "romantic" moment, and he got up go to the bathroom...and I just watched him walk away...and started bawling my eyes out, overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord for giving him to me. (Nathan's name means "gift from God.") I was there, lying on the floor, my head in my hands...just weeping. He came back in and saw me crying and just held me. Later this week we were talking, and he was saying that he was writing his dad a letter, trying to get his dad to take him back into his life...and I started crying again, just because I know how badly he's hurting over his father...and then I apologized for crying so much, and he said he almost cried with me on the night I just talked about...but that he just never has cried in front of his people, not for a very long time, at least. He said that his mother used to beat him all the time, and his way of getting her back was to never cry in front of her...so ever since then, he just hasn't been able to cry in front of anyone. But he said that he's cried over me quite a few times when he was alone...because he's so happy, too. I wish his father would just get over whatever's keeping him from answering Nathan's calls...and contacting Nathan. I mean, Nathan was leaving messages on his machine, telling him he needed to go to the doctor. (He ended up going to his mom's doctor and is better now.) What father wouldn't call his son back after getting messages like that!? He and his father were so close all his life, up until his father's girlfriend Janet came in and started running the show. The relationship between Nathan and his mother is hopeless...and he's not bothered by that fact. But I can tell he really needs his father. His father also could help him with his finances, which are getting tight right now. I love him so much. I get to see him tomorrow.

More to say, but I have that class in the morning, so I need sleep. I started packing today, finally. My house has to be the cutest house ever. I can't wait to move in. = )

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