I've been having such strange dreams lately. Night before last, I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend, Brian. We were back together and in this perfect, amazing relationship. But it was a new relationship because the whole time I kept worrying about doing something wrong to mess it up. And we were reminiscing about the first time we dated...I said stuff like, "Remember going to homecoming in your big hooptie (spelling?) car?" And then he made comments on how retarded I acted back them and made references to stuff I never did (but I remembered having done those things in the dream, for some reason)...and I said, "Yeah, I'm more myself now. I was kind of a dork back then." The whole dream, we were just driving around. And he was talking about us getting married...and all I could think of was how much I loved him. Then I got home and was apart from him, and I felt so lonely and so empty, and I just wanted to be with him again. We had the perfect relationship, it seemed. And I just felt SOOO happy. Now, why I'd dream about him, I know not...because I don't like him that way anymore, especially since I found out freakish things about him, that kinky boy..hehe.

Anyway, dream #2 was last night. It was a dream about my father. He must have been in my subconscious more than usual because I'd watched Crossing Over with John Edward before I went to bed. John Edward is SO amazing. While I was watching it, I was thinking, "If I went to the show, I wonder if my dad would contact me through him." The dream started out another way, actually. Angelina was setting me up on a date with one of her guy friends. Actually, I think it was our third date because I remember thinking, "I'm out of clothes to wear! I've already worn my two favorite outfits!" (Yes, I'm a teenybopper and dream about clothes...sue me.) But for some reason, Angelina was coming with us. Well, I was waiting for the date to happen, but it got pushed back for some reason. And then my Aunt Rosemary called our house and was talking to my mom. They got off the phone, and my mom had to leave to go somewhere...but before she left, she said, "Your father's kind of upset you never call him. Maybe you should give him a call." And then all of a sudden, I remembered...he'd either come back to life or never died in the first place. I remember having a dream about this once before...that he only died in some parallel universe...that he'd really gone on living, and I was the only person who knew what it'd be like if he'd died. Are you understanding me? Like...he died...something happened to make it so he never died, and things went on as though he never died...and everyone else had a past with memories of him never having died, but my memories were that he died and came back to life. I think I'm over-explaining. Anyway, so I guess this was a continuation of that dream. I'd forgotten he came back to life! And I felt so guilty for not having called him for the entire month since he came back. But I also remember thinking, "Why hasn't he called me?"...not to mention, "Why is he living with my Aunt Rosemary and not my mother?" So I called him and tried to explain to him, "Dad, I forgot you were alive! I thought you were still dead! So I was really talking to you, I promise...just through prayer!" (It was during this time that my cat was walking on my legs, so I was starting to wake up...grrr...I was even thinking in my dream, "Stay asleep a bit longer so you can see how this ends." But alas, I woke up.) I woke up before my father could answer me. During talking to him, I was crying, and I remember thinking, "Dammit, Angelina and (date guy) are going to be here soon, and I'm not even dressed, and my mascara is running!" How could I care more about the stupid date than my own father! I know that if that happened in real life, I'd not be like that. When I woke up, I was crying. I'm still kind of crying (I only woke up half an hour ago). I can't fathom what it would be like to have a father. Having two parents seems like some freakish thing to me. I find it strange how I idolize dead people whom I've never met. I do this with tons of my music stars...and I do it with my father. I imagine what he was like when he was living, and I picture this floating orb of light around him because he was so much more than a human being. In my eyes, he was divine. But I've seen home videos, and of course he doesn't have a floating orb of light around him. But...he was SO happy. You just look at him, and he was so jolly and smiling...you can't help but smile. How can I even be angry at my mother for being depressed all the time? Would I be able to go on living after losing him? The day I meet him is going to be a hysterical day for me. If I even think of being in the same room with him for just a moment, I feel dizzy, start bawling my eyes out, and almost pass out or vomit. But if I think about him as some soul in Heaven, it doesn't feel as intense, and I'm not as afraid. I think the reason I'm so afraid is because I feel so connected to him. I feel as though he's alive in me. And if having a spiritual relationship with him affects me so greatly, what would it be like to actually be in his physical presence? Why do I feel the need to go to his grave all the time (more than anyone who's even met him)? Why do I dream about him incessantly? Why do I write poems about him all the time? I wonder if we had this understanding, he and I, when he was alive. What if when I was 1 1/2 years old and sitting on his lap or 20 months old and lying on his stomach right before he died...what if then he somehow passed on to me all his knowledge of the world...and as I get older all that knowledge will unfold before me. Or maybe I'm just in an overly dramatic mood...hehe. I just miss him somehow. I feel that place in myself where he's missing. I wish I had power to just communicate with him. I'd not have to tell anyone. It could be our little secret. He contacts me in various ways...but never actually speaks to me. Oh I wish it could happen. But for now, it can't, and I'll live on.