I'm killing time before going to the Warehouse (and am waiting for my garlic bread to finish cooking...yummy). This is probably the final August journaling because I'll be out of town this weekend. Melanie, Karen, and I are visiting Corey in Bloomington, IN. I'm not a fan of staying in places that aren't my house, but I'm sure we'll have fun. Wow, MTV just called Staind overnight successes...how sad I am.

Let's see...last night I went to see Dave perform his drag show. He did "If" by Janet Jackson. He's so talented. I'm so very shy...being on stage makes me nauseated. The stupid announcer dude dragged me onto stage to ask me stuff like my name, age, if I'm single, and my sexual orientation. When he asked if I'm straight, I said, "Um...kinda?" For some reason I'm not comfortable calling myself bisexual anymore. It was so embarrassing, the asswipe. I wish I could be a drag queen...being a drag king seems so much more boring in comparison.

Beforehand, we went to Sitwells. I saw John there. It was good to see him again. My heart does something strange whenever I'm around him. I guess you could say I have a crush on him, but I don't really want to date him at all. It's really confusing. Seeing him reminds of of everything I hate about myself because I see him as being the most amazing, perfect human being. Maybe that's why I'm both depressed and happy every time I'm around him. He thinks people don't really like him and that he's ugly. Maybe I'm like that, too...maybe I'm actually loved by all and am a size 6 and pretty and am just dillusional...hehe or not. I found out he reads my journal, so he's reading this now...but I'm not going to stifle my honesty.

Wow, I really shouldn't try to write when I have nothing to say. Something that's been really discouraging lately is that I have so many things I want to get done, and time seems to pass magically, and I don't get them done. And I really don't know how it happens. Hmm.

I just got back from dropping AIDS Walk sheets off to Shannon. I have come to the conclusion that she must be very lonely and have very low self-esteem. The lonely thing is because every time I'm around her, she talks to me for SUCH a long time. I enjoy talking to her and being around her, but I always am thinking about the 15,000 other things I could be doing that are more important. I think it's because every time she and I talk, it's usually on the phone...and I always feel like I'm wasting time when I'm on the phone. Today in person though, I actually DID have a lot of other things to do...um...as is prevalent in the fact that I'm eating and writing my journal right now. Maybe this is how nothing gets done. I should limit my computer time. Anyway, and I think she has low self-esteem because she always seems to be validating herself to everyone. She talks about herself a lot and talks about things that she knows people don't really know anything about...and I think it's because it helps her to feel intelligent. I do it too, sometimes, but not as bad as her, I think. I love her so much, but I wish she'd just be more layback and not try to prove herself to everyone all the time. I think that she'd be a funner person to be around.

Anyway, food is ready...yum.

Okay, it's now multiple hours later. I just got back from the Warehouse. Wow, there was a spanking booth in the corner again this week...I wonder if it's becoming a regular thing to have each week. I hope so! I was so preoccupied with watching the chick spank people that I barely danced. (Well, that and the fact that they played a lot of those songs I don't really dance to, like Rammstein and Rob Zombie.) I really think I have a thing for dominating people. Like...I wanted to spank people like that chick was. I hate that, too, because I've always been a big advocate of NORMAL sex, and to think that I'd do kinky shit in bed makes me displeased. But I doubt I'd be that weird...I'd just take control mainly. Angelina said the money from the spanking booth goes to AVOC, so I guess AVOC is affiliated somehow. Maybe I can be a spanker one week. I think I could pull off the "You've been a very bad boy" persona...just maybe. John fingered Alex on the dance floor today...well not like vaginal but some major clitoral action. I wasn't as offended as I thought I'd be when Angelina told me they've done that stuff and I've said, "Wow, if I saw that, I'd freak out," but I was kind of displeased. I just think sex is such a private thing. I have come to realize that I'm a very openminded person about all things but sex. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing..probably a bad thing. Oh god...I think my cat's starting to get in heat. Her ass is currently in the air and rubbing against my arm. I knew it was coming.

Oh my...Melanie just had me call her (mind you, it was 2 in the morning)...she has a romantic interest now! His name is James, and he said he'd noticed her right from the beginning of the school year. He sounds SO amazing. I'm SO happy for her. I knew that she'd be happy one day. She's always there for everyone else and never seems to have any joy in HER life...and now she does, and I'm so all about celebrating with her. I almost cried when she told me. I hope they work out! Yay Melanie!

Okay, goodnight.

One more new development...my friend Justin just told me "I think I'm in love with you" (except in all caps, and I think "you" was spelled "U"...hehe). Because I am a girl who thinks she's unloveable, I'm rather pleased and flattered. I'm also skeptical because he tends to date person after person after person, so I wonder if he even knows what love is. (I wonder if I know what love is too, though.) I felt bad letting him down. I really liked his last girlfriend...I thought they were great for each other...but she tried to control him a bit too much. I think he needs to deal with problems in his life before being able to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I feel the same way about myself, and I'm hoping Fate is holding off on my finding my right person only until I can "fix" myself. Right now I'm very selfish...but in an unselfish way...like, if I were with someone right now, all I'd be worrying about was if I was good enough or doing everything right. I need to build myself up and start liking myself before giving myself to someone else. I think Justin needs to do the same thing. Anyway, it's late...goodnight again.

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