I don't really have anything substantial to write about, but I just feel like writing, so I will. = )

I'm really enjoying Christmas break so far. I'm in the Christmas spirit a lot this year. Well, I should clarify. I really haven't been in the mood to shop or put up tons of decorations. But I've been in quite the giving spirit. I'm so, so, so excited about what I've arranged for the family. I'm excited that we all get to write each other letters. I must admit that writing the letters, myself, has been kind of a chore to me. It's because I feel like, for the most part, I've said everything I've needed to say to most people. The only person I REALLY wanted to write a letter to was my brother Dan. Rose I've written letters to continuously since she and I have always struggled with our relationship. Ruth and I always are really, really mushy about how much we love each other, and we always have long, in depth talks about serious stuff. So it was hard to write her letter since I always am telling her how I feel already. Same for Dave...well, we don't always have serious talks, but we just have this strange understanding between us. The only thing I can think to compare it to is the way 2 people who are head-over-heels in love look at each other...and, of course, that's not a good metaphor since Dave and I are related. But...there's just this amazing, special bond between us, an unspoken bond that we really don't even have to talk about to know it's there. Mom...her letter was hard to write (I'm not done with it yet). I love her; I really do. But I just am having a really hard time coming up with anything to say. I just feel...nothing towards her most of the time. I feel as though there's a transparent piece of glass between us, so we can see each other and communicate...but we can never actually TOUCH each other or really interact and be on the same plane. I don't know...I hate wanting something I know I'll never have. (And now I shall allow my mind to wander to Trent Reznor for a moment.)






Okay, I'm back...haha. Anyway, Dan's letter was one I wanted to write. I am thoroughly bothered by the space I feel between us. I think it's because there was no fight or anything to cause the space. It just kind of happened. I have felt it a lot lately. We were so close when I was a little girl. He was pretty much my dad. I see the way he interacts with his children...he really is a wonderful father (maybe not enough of a disciplinarian, though!). And I remember that he was the same way with me. He's really an incredible person. That's why I just hate that there's this goofy space between us. I feel that I'm constantly reaching for him, and at the last minute, he moves away so I just barely miss him. Now there's the possibility that I'm just imagining this because I do overanalyze everything...but I don't think so. I don't know...hopefully the letter will help.

I reinstalled my CD burner, and it's working now (knock on wood!). I made the CD of songs for our family, and I printed out all the lyrics. Everyone has his or her own song, and I picked out one for dad called, appropriately enough, "Dad." They are REALLY good songs. I'm putting the lyrics to the songs in a binder, and right before each person's song lyrics, I'll put the letter they wrote to the person. And I need to get pictures to put in the binder. We have this family website run by my filthy rich uncle Tom (my dad's brother) that I visit maybe once a year...and there are lots of pictures on it, so maybe I can steal some of those. But I don't think any of the pictures are of the Vogt family all together. Anyway...

I went to Jen and Liz's for our group's Christmas party. It was pretty fun, though everyone seemed really tired. It all went downhill when Liz's...I won't say friend...acquaintance Carrie came. Carrie is kind of obnoxious, and she's a stripper. She came still dressed in her stripper clothes. Jered (I think) said she dresses like that all the time, though. I've only met her twice. She just makes me feel overly untalkative. And everytime I looked at her, she glanced at me like, "Are you trying to check me out?" And it's one of those situations where it's hard not to stare at her because she's basically naked. I wasn't staring at her because she's hot or anything...she really was pretty much naked. Her skirt was barely covering her ass, and she had a thong underneath, and she kept spreading her legs. Bleck.

I've been SO tired lately. I think it's because I've not been eating healthy. Though I'm no longer stressed, I'm still eating horribly. I'm hoping today will be the first day I stop it. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, I've decided to take up eating meat the past week. It's as though having that double quarter pounder started a meat-eating trend for me. Though the double quarter pounder made me nearly vomit, other meat has tasted QUITE NICE to me. But then when I think of the fact that I'm being, according to my own ethics, a CANNIBAL, it tastes a little less good. See, though, there are just as many un-meat foods that I like just as well as bologna and hot dogs and salami and chicken. I should be fine. I still want to be vegan, too.

Henry is back to his old ways. I spoke too soon in thinking he doesn't like me anymore. He said his old "Maybe you'll change your mind [about not wanting to date me]" line. We got on the subject of romance stuff yesterday, and he started going off on all these philosophies, and he started making complete sense and even sounding really kind of informed and intelligent. I am so intrigued by him because he can go from being kind of "slow" acting to sounding like he knows everything. And it's still a mystery what's exactly wrong with the guy. No one will tell us. Hmmm. I'm glad he's talking to me again. I'm even glad he likes me again 1.) because I think everyone deep down likes to be liked, even if the person liking you is kind of annoying and 2.) because I was curious as to why things suddenly changed. I swear, when someone I actually LIKE likes me one day, I think I'll have a heart attack from happiness. I see all these people in relationships, and they so take them for granted. I'm going to be bouncing off the walls one day, IF it actually happens. I ain't bein' a nun, no siree.

I remember something else I was going to write about the other day but never got around to. The Eucharist. It is very odd for me to be a fan of something so highly religious and Catholic, but, gosh dangit, I love the Eucharist. I love getting Communion. And I have tried far and wide to believe that God is NOT in that host. But after I receive Communion and go sit down in the pew (is that how you spell that word? I don't think I've ever written it out before), an amazing, tranquil (yet passionate) feeling comes over me. Maybe it is really possible for Christ to make Himself present in a piece of bread. I was reading about some religion the other day -- I forget which one -- which was saying Jesus Christ was kind of like...the first in a long line of prophets. And that kind of makes sense, though I really do think Jesus was more than a prophet. I think He really was God's presence in a human being. I just wonder how many times God has walked the Earth since then. I really don't think God would come just that one time and then come again at the end of time, as the Bible says (the "second coming," you know)...it just doesn't hold together in my mind that things would go that way. Maybe Jesus was the first time God came onto the world as a human, and maybe God has come in times since then. Maybe God has a soul like everyone else and just kind of pops in and out of the world just the way our souls might, if reincarnation exists. Hell, I don't know. One day I will, though. I'm not going to worry about it. (I say that now, but I know how I get about not being able to know stuff.)

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